Which is funny (?) and bizarre, as I actually love the month of my birthday. It's the spooky month after all, the month of Halloween. It's also when the unbearable heat of the summer dissolves and I can finally wear makeup without having to worry that my face will melt.
But every year same old story: I think about my life, what I have not accomplished, especially compared to my peers, and how sucky my life is. I also get paralysed by my time and death phobias and generally experience an avalanche of negative thoughts.
So, for this year's menu we have:
- Career failure (or shall I say absence?)
- Health Issues
- Uncertainty of own future
- Lack of motivation/goals
- And of course, asking if this life is worth living
Above all though, I reminisce the year that has passed, and what has happened during it.
Let's see...
I received my MA degree; two of my best friends moved out of London; I lived in a house with the worst housemates I've experienced so far, being bullied and attacked constantly; I got a good -and hard- part time job for which I was underpaid; I had severe financial issues -some of which were due to being underpaid; I had my second year anniversary with my lovely boyfriend; my health problems escalated to the point where I had to quit my job leave UK -and my lovely boyfriend behind; I had issues with my computer which cost money to fix, and weren't fixed properly either; my health kept -and still is- deteriorating; a family friend died; and the icing on the cake, universe's birthday present to me, YouTube deleting my channel (for details on that read this, this, this, this, but above all this).
Yeah. Doesn't sound too good, right?
And here I am, contemplating if I can handle another year like the previous one. Every year my sole wish is that the following year won't be as bad as the previous one.
E.g. Last year, just before I turned 28, I was in despair. I had gone through hell. From struggling with my Masters degree, to suffering financially, to having my macbook stolen from my room in Uni Halls -whilst I was in the building-, to being severely cyberbullied, to almost being physically assaulted by a catcaller...
So, my sole wish was for my 28th year on this planet to not be as bad as my 27th year.
Nope. It somehow managed to be worse. Way worse.
Since I remember myself, with the exception of very few years, each year has been worse than the one preceding it. And we reached that point where that terrifies me.
Because, if my 29th year is even slightly worse than my 28th year, it will be more than I can handle. My 28th year has already surpassed my coping levels, which resulted in me being bedbound for almost 4 months.
I know there's not much I can do about this. We have no control over our futures, and sometimes not even over our present actions resulting in those futures -depending on the circumstances. Therefore, I know that there's no way to predict nor control the unknown, my future.
And that my friend is hard to come to terms with, especially suspecting the amount of suffering I'll have to go through.
I don't know what to do, I don't know how to prepare for the storm that is coming. I know it's coming. I just hope this year will spare me, even a little bit, and this time my 29th year won't be as bad as my 28th. Even a little bit better is a lot better to me.
I can only hope at this point after all...
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