Let's welcome 2015

Tomorrow is the last day of 2014.
Many people, blogs, and pages in general started talking about the big events of 2014, the funny/ugly/epic moments. It's a habit many of us practice.
I personally feel the new years eve is way more important than christmas. I'm not religious after all.
Therefore that moment when a year is over and we're moving to a new period of time, a new era, seems way more important and celebratory to me.

So... 2014. I wanna say this has been the worst year of my life, but then again I would be ignoring some glorious moments I had.
2014 brought me problems, many problems... It brought me anxiety, depression, failure, break-ups, heart aches, betrayals, end of long-term friendships, financial difficulties and overall frustration and hopelessness.
However, 2014 also brought me new friends, happy moments, love, passion, feelings, support from people I wasn't expecting it from, presents from friends and strangers and it made me redefine my identity and discover other sides of myself that I didn't have the chance to explore before.

I do appreciate all that has come my way this year, good and bad.
But for once I want to wish and hope that this new year will not be a roller coaster like the previous years have been. It seems things happen to me with great intensity; good and bad things. That can be extremely tiring.
For a change I would rather have a stable -even a tad boring- year where I will be able to focus on finishing my degree -finally- and then moving on to living my life again.

-Ready for 2015

Random Thoughts XXIX

December didn't start off well.But then again neither did any other month of this fucking year.And here we go again, right at the end of the year reminiscing about past years, saying how much better our life was and how much hope we have in the new year...No mofos. I have no fucking hope for the new year.It's probably gonna be even worse than this fucking year. Which is hard, but still doable.So fuck all.

Random Thoughts XXVIII

It's sad you know.

When this world forces you to burry your humanity.

It's really sad.

Random Thoughts XXVII

I started wearing black when I was fifteen.
"It is a phase, she's a teenager", people used to say.
They also associated my style with the music I was listening to.
It was the transition from commercial pop/rock to metal music and darker sounds in general.
I started getting more piercings, wanting to get tattoos, wearing spikes, dying my hair black, putting dark make up on...
At first people called me a metal head. Then, when I started wearing long skirts and doing a more feminine make up they called me a goth.
I have never really considered myself as gothic. Yes, I do like all things dark and depressive and I have been wearing black for more than 10 years consistently, but does that mean I'm a goth?
I have always been drawn to dark themes/images/sounds, gloominess, depression and I'm fascinated by the occult. But still, there many other things I like as well.
At times I like listening to pop/r'n'b and commercial music as well. I like edm music too. I love dnb and couldn't live without raving. I like meditating, I like being happy and I also like cute stuff (excluding the colour pink which I hate). I couldn't live without partying and sharing happy moments with my friends. And I could go on and on. My life and tastes are characterised by antithesis.
Do I qualify as a goth just because of one part of who I am? But then again, who is only one thing?
I am a woman, a female, a human, a feminist, a student, a friend, a lover, a daughter, a poet, a writer, a lyricist, a vocalist, an artist, a thinker, a creator etc. So maybe I am a goth, too.
When people try to label me I feel extremely uncomfortable. Their labels can't define me, I'm too perplexed for that. I'm not an object that you can just label. Lara isn't just one thing. Lara is Lara. As you are you. And they are they.

Confessions of a Rotten Heart (6)

I like that I smell badly. I haven't showered in days.
I like that I look like a mess. I didn't care what I was gonna wear or how I was gonna look like.
I like that my eyes are red from crying and my lips swollen from biting them.
I like that I look so miserable that if I saw me on the street I would pity me.
I like that I'm listening to darkwave while crying for him.
I like it that my pain is so obvious and apparent that it can't be ignored.

Random Thoughts XXVI

You wouldn't last in my brain for one second.

Confessions of a Rotten Heart (5)

I was under the impression that my friends didn't judge me. Well, I was wrong.
I was under the illusion that due to my understanding and non judgemental nature my friends, the people I chose, handpicked to be around me, would treat me likewise.
But guess what happens with expectations...
They fuck you up.

Random Thoughts XXV

Grey is the new black

15 reasons why I hate summer

Seriously I hate summer for so many reasons. Here is a list:
1. I hate summer clothes and if I dress the way I want during the summer I'll die from the heat
2. I hate the sun and the light in general (especially summer sun)
3. I hate all those showing off their semi naked bodies
using warm weather as an excuse
4. I hate summer music and the fact that suddenly my fav djs take on the ibiza vibe even when it comes to dnb
5. I hate that my make up is melting and I look like an alien creature
6. I hate that I get sweaty and feel disgusting
7. I hate feeling the heat
8. I hate that in countries like Greece all services stop working during the summer (since everyone is on holidays)
9. I hate colours and for some reason during the summer everything looks extremely colourful
10. I hate tanning or turning red and I fucking wanna stay as pale as I can
11. I hate that the day lasts longer than the night does
12. I hate that plane tickets get ridiculously expensive
13. I hate that fruit, veggie, bread and other shit go bad way faster due to the heat 
14. I hate sweaty sex (aka summer sex)

And the thing
15. I hate the most is that everyone gets so fucking surprised I hate the fucking summer especially coz I'm Greek

On another note I hate beer, sweets and the beach too

Random Thoughts XXIV

It's so cowardice and unfair to not give closure to someone.
If you want someone out of your life at least have the fucking balls to tell them instead of ignoring them.
Stop hoping they'll give up on you. If they care they won't. So at least have the decency to let them move on.

I'd much rather have to face a harsh truth than a sweet lie

Random Thoughts XXIII

Marriage is the biggest human perversion based on possessiveness, insecurity, mistrust and controlling.

However, marriage is a huge industry providing numerous people with jobs, and it expands to all religions and beliefs.

The wedding day is a misconception of happiness, life purpose and general reality -unless you're filthy rich, so your reality is a misconception anyway.

Little girls grow up being told one day the prince will marry them, and they are gonna wear dreamy dresses and be princesses themselves.

Get real people. A fucking dress and a party -where for once it's ok for you to demand being the centre of attention- are not gonna make your overall life any better.

Random Thoughts XXII

Brutal wake up call.  

But will you have the balls to pick up the phone?

Confessions of a Rotten Heart (4)

It’s just that I’ve always been the one to support;

the one being there or others.

So when it’s me being in the receiving end,

I just can’t accept that role.

You know, I’m trembling right now.

My vision is a bit blurry,

So I had to take my glasses off.

It’s harder than usual to breathe.

I’m listening to all the songs I shouldn’t listen to.

I’m diving into darkness;

the void, despair and agony.

I kinda missed it.

Why do people let the monster inside them feed off their misery?

It’s enticing. Such an intense feeling can be extremely alluring.

So instead of being empty, you’d rather suffer.

Depression is a way of expression.

No Body Shame Campaign

People should stop judging others by their size. It's none of your business man. If you don't like it look the other way.

Also ffs women be nice to each other!
Most of the pressure towards women being skinny comes from other women, not men!!!!!

I have been asked many times how can I be so confident, being a curvier girl and all.
It's because:
1. I don't care what others think
2. I don't compare myself to others, everyone is special, different and unique
3. I know people are not perfect and don't try to be perfect or fit in any stereotypes
4. I think everyone can be sexy and also do believe curves can be sexy too
5. I only wear what makes me feel good and never compromise to a stylistic choice that won't suit my aesthetics just because of my body type
6. I know anyone who tries to bully me, attack me or judge me for my weight is probably a mean person with no life, low self esteem, and personal issues -coz why would you try to make someone feel bad otherwise?
7. I fucking love myself and would clone me and fuck me if I could

So please, never ever ever feel ashamed! No matter how much you weight, how tall you are, your skin colour, whether you have scars or other marks on your body... NEVER feel like there's something wrong with the way you look!

Check this incredible site:

No Body Shame Campaign

Real Life Zombies

Today I once again faced the realisation that some people are not humans. They are not even people. They are just despicable creatures, brainless forms of miserable life and no reason of existence.

Be careful when you see them for you can mistake them for mere stupid people. They are not just stupid. They are destructive and miserable. Evil people who can be energy vampires sucking the life out of you.

They will try to provoke you. They will try to insult you. They will try to evoke any reaction they can get.

Give them ignorance. Do not recognise their pitiful existence. Do not feed the monster lying within with your own energy.
Do not let them disturb your balance nor stir your inner peace.

~Serenity~  

Random Thoughts XXI

And then you realised that you can't fill that void inside you no matter how hard you try to trick yourself into doing so.
Pretentious actions, virtual attractions...
It all ends the same.

I can't get over it

I can't get over it.

I don't think I will ever be able to let go... of these moments, of the memories, of those amazing years I spent in my university campus.

I said I would go again, but I have not managed to bring myself to visit. I told myself it was because I didn't have the time... But look at me, I got plenty of time. Between panicking for uni and procrastinating I could spend a Sunday evening there. But still, I don't know if I can.

I can feel tears dancing around my cheeks. I can feel my heart aching. Every time I go through the pictures of my years in my university halls a sweet melancholy numbs my body.

How am I supposed to move on? I can't forget. I don't want to forget.
I don't think anything in my life can top up these two last years of my ba studies, the university halls experience ...

I know life changes. I know people change. People move on. My mates moved on. I moved on. But did I?

I never -not even for a split second- stopped hoping things would turn back to the way they were back then. It's not possible anymore, I can see it. Nevertheless I'm still clinging onto that idea.

The utopia of my uni years.

I think that's the problem. I lived, I experienced utopia and now I can't be happy and content with anything less than that. I am having a good time, I am appreciative, yet there is always a little shadow lurking inside me reminding me of the dream, the life I lived as a ba student in London, the university halls...
That protected environment, that magical forest that ensured me and my mates would be back together every september, altogether in one building.

I need closure but I sure don't know how to get it.

*that picture is the most iconic picture of my university halls for me; it's the view from my window.

Sex

**taken from a post of mine on a forum. a girl asked our opinion on sex, so there you have it

Sex can be many things. 

It's utterly subjective as a meaning, an act and a philosophy.

It depends on your general perspective, environment, religion or absence of it, beliefs, gender, age etc.

For me it's a need first and foremost. A biological need to experience pleasure and release. It can also be an expression of several feelings (love, hate, passion, anger etc). 

Therefore I think it's ok to have sex with someone when you feel like it -considering you respect and love yourself. 

I do think we -society- have to get over it and accept sex is -was and will be- part of our lives.As long as what you're doing in your sex life makes you and the people involved happy it's none of my business and I will not judge you.

Unexpected

I'm always glad that I can write.

I can write about the things I don't want to forget, I can write about the things that happen to me or the process through which the prism of my thoughts filters my reality.

It's never an easy thing to go through a comedown (feel free to interpret the word on your own way). Sometimes it's harder to overcome one than others.

On my way home I was truly sad that I'd have to return to reality. My xmas holidays have been dreamy so far, but I'd have to take uni seriously from now on; I'd have to face the return of the housemates I'm not really fond of; I'd have to reduce my social life to a minimum -to my mates' dismay; I'd have to forget about the emotional void devouring my soul; I'd have to accept several things were going to change in different aspects of my life without me having any control over them...

I was drowning. Even before I got on the bus home I felt like shit -to put it simply. Even though I was surrounded by people whom I adore and I know they care and love me, even when these people tried to cheer me up, there was a dark cloud all around my head. And as I always do in these situations -when I'm having a comedown/bipolar moment/panik attack or anything of the sort- I chose to leave and be by myself for fear of hurting someone of these people or making them worry.

The funny thing about expectations is that they're a joke. I expected I'd be feeling shit, cry on my way home -or at home- and sink into depression. However two totally irrelevant incidents took place in front of my eyes that left me smiling on the rest of my way home in the past hour.

As I was on the tube trying to blank out the family sitting next to and opposite to me something strange caught my eye. The sister (around 5 years old) hugged lovingly her brother (around 2 years old) who was  on the baby troller thingy. The mom yelled: "Aw how touching! Look at that! Some sibling love over there!". And the little girl approached her brother again and hugged him once more. Then they both started giggling and they looked so happy. It was so simple for them. Anyone who knows me a bit knows I hate children. Therefore I was not impressed by the children's age, but by their quality to find happiness in such weird ways.

After a couple of minutes I had to take another tube line to get me home. As I was waiting for the train I noticed a tall handsome guy who was dancing discreetly while whispering the lyrics of the song he was listening to. I realised a couple of  people were giving him evil stares even though he didn't make any noise or weird movements. After I got off the train I saw he lived on the same street as I do. He was singing quite loudly a cheesy Spice Girls song on his way home. He looked so happy, so content and so utterly brave doing so. I was mesmerized by his smile. A pure proof of enjoyment.

Why did I even notice these two incidents? Why did I even care?

Because I realised I was blinded for a moment. I let negativity and darkness cover my light. I let the shadow of self doubt and anxiety to erase -even momentarily- all the good moments and people in my life. It's so easy to forget you know. Life itself can be a trap sometimes. A trap to push you onto a routine of boredom, anxiety, sadness and misery.

Peace,
Lara



p.s. I got to thank my Goddess, Leo, for putting up with my emotional roller coaster today and making me smile <3