Feeling quite blue today...
I don't know, it seems that every time I take a few steps forward towards improving my life -and my health- something happens that pushes me back.
It took such a long time -due to my ill health- to finish my masters degree. After struggling and fighting for so long, I made it.
Then, I managed to find a place to live and I got myself a job. Isn't that what adults are supposed to do anyways?
The housing situation especially affected my health -severely. The job was fine -most of the time- even though I was underpaid.
But in the end, all sorts of horrific things came to my life at the same time -as always timing is extremely fucked up in my life-, awaking some old buried phantoms of the past as well.
It's not easy to fight everything at once and all the time. And it's even harder when most people don't know your struggles and suffering and have certain expectations from you, or misconceptions of you.
Which is why this past year I decided to drop the weight of others' expectations completely. For once in my life I am being selfish.
I've tried to do that many times in the past, but I had failed.
This time, I had no other choice. My survival instincts kicked in and I prioritised myself.
Because I had to.
Showing posts with label selfish. Show all posts
Showing posts with label selfish. Show all posts
11/4/17
8/26/17
Rant: Needs & Wants
All my life I've prioritised the needs and wants of the people I loved.
That has caused me much grief and misery over the years. But I thought I had to do the 'right' thing, to be the bigger person. Even when it'd cause me to suffer.
Recently, for once, I asked a person I love to consider my needs and wants before theirs.
It didn't happen. Once again, my needs and wants were ignored.
So, I'm angry. I'm infuriated. I'm enraged.
And you know what? Fuck them.
Fuck every person who has been inconsiderate to me when I've always tried to be there for them, when I've always done my best to give them what they want and make them happy.
Fuck that.
To deserve me at my best, you have to be able to handle me and support me at my worst. The same way I've supported you and handled your situations.
You can't have it all. You can't only want the positive and shy away from the negative moments of a person's life. A person you supposedly, a person you allegedly love.
Be it friendship, a love relationship, or even a child-parent relationship.
That has caused me much grief and misery over the years. But I thought I had to do the 'right' thing, to be the bigger person. Even when it'd cause me to suffer.
Recently, for once, I asked a person I love to consider my needs and wants before theirs.
It didn't happen. Once again, my needs and wants were ignored.
So, I'm angry. I'm infuriated. I'm enraged.
And you know what? Fuck them.
Fuck every person who has been inconsiderate to me when I've always tried to be there for them, when I've always done my best to give them what they want and make them happy.
Fuck that.
To deserve me at my best, you have to be able to handle me and support me at my worst. The same way I've supported you and handled your situations.
You can't have it all. You can't only want the positive and shy away from the negative moments of a person's life. A person you supposedly, a person you allegedly love.
Be it friendship, a love relationship, or even a child-parent relationship.
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