2016 - be gone!

So, now that 2016 is coming to an end, I stumbled upon a couple of posts from famous people saying things along those lines:
1. "Oh, this was a horrible year, but nothing great comes from an 'easy' life, so take the lessons with you blah blah blah..."

Well, fuck that. A lot of great things come to people with easy lives. Check the Kardashians, check Paris Hilton, check that stupid Poker player who is a millionaire, check all of those viral internet sensations who did stupid shit that landed them deals with big companies, check that dude who just narrates whilst playing video games. All have 'easy' lives, all are successful millionaires.

ps. Yep this is materialistic af, but I'd rather be a millionaire and a materialist, than be a poor mofo. Sorry, not sorry.

2. "Life is what you make of it."

That's some bullshit entitled and privileged people came up with. Say that to the people in Syria who have lost their homes and families; say that to people with leukemia; say that to people who have been raped; say that to people who lost their homes due to floods/tsunamis/earthquakes; say that to people who have no drinking water/food/shelter. It's all nice and easy when you have no serious troubles in your life and can be a 'couch philosopher'.

Yeah, I know these are both positive quotes and I'm being all negative and all, but I'd rather be 'negative' and realistic, than delusional. Reality is harsh. Life is unfair.

Femme

To every femme person out there:

You don't have to be 'feminine' to define as femme.
There's no one way to be feminine; don't let the media fool you.
You define your own femininity.
Never feel as if you have to abide by certain rules to be able to describe yourself as femme.
Because you don't.

London & Art: Failing creativity

Today I googled myself, and by myself, I mean my online self.
Yes. Don't judge. I just wanted to see what kind of pictures I have uploaded. Sometimes we get carried away after all.

When I ensured nothing shameful has been shared with the world, or at least nothing shameful appears on google search, an old blog entry caught my eye.

As I started reading I thought I'd feel nostalgic, but if I actually felt anything, that was annoyance.

The blog entry was about me loving London, London life, reminiscing my uni (bachelors) years etc.
I was going on about friends, parties, and having a great time in London. Mind you, the post was written in 2012.

Now, four years later, I just graduated from my masters degree, which took three long years to complete, and I got a job (for which I am severely underpaid).
I also have close to zero social life. Firstly, due to many of the friends mentioned on that old blog entry moving to other places, secondly due to drifting away from people (as you do the older you get), and lastly, due to my shit finances.

In the seven years I've been in UK, not even one day has gone by without me stressing over money. And that takes a toll on you. That, combined with the masters degree experience, which was extremely traumatic and draining -not to mention the Brexit news- left me extremely... tired.

Rent prices and overall cost of life skyrocketed, which left me struggling for survival. In the past three years, I cannot say that I have lived in London. I can only say that I have survived London.

Many of my acquaintances and friends in Greece believe that because I'm in London, I'm living the life.
Well, let me tell you: I'd rather be somewhere else and live comfortably. Because in London, unless you make over 30k a year (after taxes) you can't live. You can only survive. And at the moment, I'm not making a third of that. I'm struggling to pay my rent, I'm struggling to pay for food.

I have two degrees, and I can't find a job that pays well enough, so that I can live with dignity.
Because, as someone pointed out on youtube, art degrees are 'laughable' and useless. So, apparently, I should have studied something I don't like, just so I can live with dignity. But then, would that be living with dignity? If I did a job I hated?
The same person who called art degrees 'laughable' suggested I should have checked the Forbes list of the best paying jobs before I started my studies. To her, it's stupid that I chose to study subjects that aren't on that list.

But you see, unfortunately, I am an artist. Every part of my body has been dedicated to art since I can remember myself.
I was four years old when I started singing. I was fascinated. I would sing arias by the window. I didn't even know what opera was at the time. I just knew how to make those sounds, that I later found out to be arias.

Then, I learned how to write. My whole world changed. I immediately started keeping a diary. I started writing stories. In the meantime, I was reading books all the time. I started reading comics as well.

I realised I also liked drawing a lot. I always drew, as all little kids do. I could be good at it, if I put the time and effort. But, I loved writing and singing a little more. And since writing was something I could do anywhere, anytime, I focused on that.

When I was eight-years-old I started learning English. I immediately started writing in English. I was fascinated by how well English worked with lyrics and poems. Even though, I still wrote in Greek, both novels and poems/lyrics, I started writing in English a lot more. Today, I rarely write in Greek. Nevertheless, when I do, it is something I enjoy and cherish. I feel that different languages work better in expressing different things.

In my late teens, I was in a band. That didn't go greatly, but it urged me to push myself to study music. I dropped out of my Greek uni to come to London and study music. I wrote lyrics frantically. I sang, I recorded myself. I was happy. The singer and lyricist within me was satisfied.
But I didn't manage to make connections, as I am an introvert and suffer from performance anxiety. I didn't manage to make it big.
Therefore, music didn't work for me.

I started loving photography around the same time I was in a band. You see, the internet made it possible to share your pictures, and to see others' pictures. That was inspiring to me. It gave me ideas. It urged me to share my pictures with the world. Even if it was pictures taken from my phone. I created a Deviant Art page. It's not popular at all.
My love for photography -which I got from my mother- didn't lead anywhere either.

My masters degree helped me gain knowledge in the arts (theatre, music and drama among others) and management, in correlation to marginalised social groups (e.g. prisoners, persons with disabilities etc.) and how to plan, deliver and organise relevant workshops/projects.
However, as I lack people's skills, which are essential to work on this field, I didn't manage to get a job on that field.

Now I'm a notetaker for uni students with disabilities. Despite the fact that I enjoy the job, and I learn so many things for free, this isn't a post grad job. It's a I'm-still-doing-my-bacherlor-degree job. Which means I'm extremely underpaid considering my qualifications -and the fact that I work for an agency means they get a lot of my money.

So all of these years of studying, all of these years of creating... and nothing came out of them.

I have hundreds of pieces of writing that I've written over the years. I also have hundreds of drawings. And I used to have a lot of recordings of me singing, but many of those I decided not to keep. But I do have a few finished songs, recorded for uni, and a couple of performances. I have thousands of pictures I have taken.

In vain.

It's sad. It's really sad. But you may ask: How is this relevant to London, wouldn't it be the same if you were in Greece?

Maybe, maybe not. But at least in Greece I would be more comfortable financially.

However, the thing is, London is known for its art scene. It's known to be the USA of Europe. Meaning, it is the land of opportunity, and aspiring artists from all sorts of backgrounds and art forms come here to make it.

Or it was supposed to be. Or it used to be. But it's not anymore.

Take it from someone who has lived in London for almost seven years now:
London isn't an easy place to be. And with all the instability that the Brexit brought, the prices rising even more, it's turning into a very ugly place; a place that isn't very friendly to foreigners and poor people.

I can't even remember why I started this blog entry anymore. So, I'll stop here, hoping that one day, maybe, just maybe, I will be given the opportunity to live with dignity, as an artist, in this world.


-

Gender

People need to realise the gender binary is a social construct.It serves the purpose of big corporations, religions and any other institutes that want to either make money off people or control them -or both. Gender is a spectrum. As we -hopefully- have all learned by now, things aren't black and white in life.Things don't work in -one-or-the-other. Very rarely you will find things that are either, or, without them entailing 'the in-between. 'So next time you see a person who doesn't fit in that gender binary, refrain from judging them, and even worse bullying them. Remember that their gender is theirs, only theirs, to define, express and live in and with. And if you're a person who is struggling because you can't find your place within the gender binary, rejoice. Because you don't have to. You have your own place in the gender spectrum, and that's valued, valid and respected.

Goodbye my neckpiercing

I had this piercing done around May/June 2009.
It was a very special piercing to me. 
I got it at Iris, at Patras. 
That along with a tattoo, where my best memories of living in Patras for 2 years.
But above all, this was done by one of the kindest, gentlest human beings I've ever met. 
He was a tattooer and piercer named Andreas. A middle-aged man full of life, respect and positivity. He always gave discounts to students, was welcoming, ready to give you candy or juice during a piercing or a tattoo.
This man passed away a few years ago, so my tattoo and that piercing (both of which I got the same day, my last day in Patras) mean so much.
Reminders of my time there, my first time living by myself, my first time as a university student; but also reminders of a great man who was always hospitable and kind.

USA election results 2016

I woke up to the horrendous reality that Donald Trump will be the president of the United States of America -most probably.
Even though I live in Europe I am deeply affected by the result, as a human being who cares for her fellow human beings.

America, the whole world was looking at you today. We were all hoping that you'd vote against the new Hitler, Trump.
We were hoping you'd prove those people who say Americans are manipulated puppets without critical thinking wrong.

But no. You, very unfortunately, proved all of us right.

And here comes the question, what is the meaning of democracy when those who exist in the democracy as a majority are uneducated, easily manipulated people? When their ideology goes against those which we have established as right and moral?

Today you didn't "make America great again." On the contrary, you made it horrible. Good bye America. Good bye.

Is it too late?

This blog entry is mainly for anyone who is a teenager or younger than that.
I'm going to share with you a few of my thoughts and conclusions.
Feel free to read if you're older as well, but be warned that this blog entry may make you feel a tad sad.

It is quite unfortunate, but we have created a world that operates like a machine. A very fast paced machine. And that machine pushes you to start building your career as a teenager, to try to succeed from a young age, because it tells you that your life ain't worth living if you're older and 'unsuccessful.'
There's so much pressure to know what you want to do extremely early in life. And you're forced to stick with those early options to be safe and secure.
Society tells you you need security so you have to decide on a career from a young age and follow through. By the time you're 30 you have to be able to afford your own house, and depending on the career you chose to be famous and/or rich, or to make a name for yourself. Above all, you have to make connections because your worth is not as relevant as the people you know.

And if you're an artist it's even worse. Everyone tells you to put art aside and find a 'real career.'
So, if you're a teenage artist I suggest putting yourself out there, and starting to work on your career as early as possible. You'll also have to be an extrovert to succeed, and if you're not one, you'll have to either push yourself or give up.

It's sad, that young people nowadays aren't allowed to make mistakes and explore their options. That they aren't allowed to be themselves.

I made the mistake to take my time and explore.
And at almost 28 years of age I still have no clue what I want to do with my life or how to pursue it.
So it's too late for me now. I have to find a 'real job,' do something that I hate for the rest of my life and be unhappy. After all, that's how 'normal' adults live...

But if you're a young person you don't have to go through that. Maybe it's too late for me, but it's not too late for you.

So get out there and start building your adult life early on. Don't let time pass you by.

My last day as a student

Today marks my last day as a university student, or a student in general.
My university student card expires on this day.

Mixed feelings. Bittersweet. Redemption, relief, anxiety, sadness, melancholy...

I started going to primary school in Greece when I was six years old. I remember how excited I was to learn the alphabet, the tool of the writer. I immediately started keeping a diary and then writing stories, and later poems and lyrics. Primary school was easy and fun, and then not so much fun when the school shut down and I had to transfer to a bigger one. Then senior school was ok, I was reading a lot of literature at the time, and I started learning about all sorts of different subjects at school. High school was when I started questioning the knowledge passed on by the teachers and books, and when my ability to think critically really evolved and started shaping the person I am today. Then, came prep school to get to uni. Next year, off I went to uni in Greece. Two years of learning things I wasn't sure I was interested in. I decided to go to the UK to study music. To push myself to do that which I have always loved. My time as a music student was eye opening. I learned, I lived, I experienced, I grew, I lost myself and I found me again. After that I took a gap year to decide what I should do next. Then, off I went to my masters degree. Little did I know these would be the hardest three years of my life. I went through trauma, mental breakdowns, I learned, I rediscovered myself, I improved my research and writing skills and I became an adult. Yes, at almost 28 years old I became an adult.

Overall, I've spent 21 years of my life in education. And that chapter of my life is coming to an end today.
I'm not sure what the future holds. The future is terrifying territory for me.

What I'm sure of is that being in education helped me become the best version of myself. It helped me become aware. It provided me with the tools I need to be a decent human being. And not necessarily because of the teachers, even though I encountered a few of them that were exceptional -not a majority unfortunately. It was my effort, my resilience and research that gave me the tools, but had I not had education as a platform, I doubt I'd have ever made that effort and engaged in such research.

So, if you ever have the chance to go to college, university, or anything similar, grab it. Make sure to use that time creatively, meaningfully, lose yourself, find yourself, do crazy shit, learn crazy shit, question everything, and above all,  _________ .
No, I ain't telling you that part. That is for you to discover yourselves.

Just fly,
Lara

Fabric just got shut down

So Fabric was shut down.
Islington council thinks we're stupid if they actually believe we were convinced they care about young people.They didn't shut Fabric "to protect the children" (there were never any children in Fabric anyway since you have to be an adult to enter). They shut Fabric because they want to focus on house development and they had eyed the Fabric building for a very very long time. I can't begin to imagine how many people will lose their jobs and how much money the owners will lose. I can't begin to imagine the financial uncertainty this will cause.I can't begin to imagine how much this will impact DJs, London's nightlife and tourism...People were coming to UK just to visit Fabric. I have seen people online infuriated and disappointed by this decision to shut Fabric, as they have already booked tickets to fly to the UK just to visit Fabric.
If Islington Council really cared about young people, they would stop this petty "War on Drugs" and start educating young people on how to be safe. They would make sure no club goer is ignorant when it comes to drugs, and they'd be giving free drug test kits outside clubs, as other progressive countries do. So that people know whether their drugs are what they were said to be or not. This has successfully worked in other countries. Islington Council needs to realise that people have always been taking substances to alter their perception since the beginning of time, and that practice won't change, no matter how many clubs they shut. Shutting safe spaces where people are monitored, have access to medical professionals and are protected by security personnel perpetuates archaic practices which push people underground. And the underground is a lot more dangerous. A lot more people have had accidents or died in illegal raves than in legal ones (analogically). Thousands of people have visited Fabric over the years. Yes, six people died in Fabric since 2011. Out of thousands of people, 6 died. Of course this is tragic, but statistically this is a very small percentage. I understand that the loved ones of those people must be devastated, angry and desperate to blame someone. But Fabric isn't the enemy. The enemy is a system that perpetuates the drug black market, putting persons at risk.
London -and UK in general- has been adopting very conservative tactics in the past few years. And now, after the Brexit and all the uncertainty that that entails, we see the capital's nightlife being viciously attacked in the name of money making. But the people need entertainment, they need to have places where they go to unwind, and let go of all the worries and stress of this fast-paced and tough life they live in London. You turned London into a place where you can't live comfortably, where you can barely survive. Now you take entertainment out of the equation. What do you think will happen? The people will find new ways, possibly more dangerous ways -and places- to replace the lost clubs (Cable, Fabric etc.). And then, when more people lose their lives, because these spaces aren't nearly as safe as Fabric, who are you going to blame?

Random Thoughts XXXXX

Whilst we all fight our own battles, we tend to forget we're all together in this thing called life and on this planet called Earth.

Light and love to all of you, it can be hard to see them and accept them, but maybe that's the point of our journey.

Morning Thoughts

So the person who cleans our flat is having another tantrum today, banging the hoover on the floor, slamming doors and making as much noise as she possibly can. Many times when she's having a bad day she will make noise on purpose, knowing that some of us sleep, and/or she won't clean properly (actually, she never cleans properly). She's a great example of a person who wants to ruin someone else's day because she's not happy.
I've been observing for years, that many of the people I randomly encounter on the street/shops/public transport/etc. have the same mentality as her: "Since I hate my life or since I'm having a bad day, I will take it out on other people -even if they have nothing to do with my situation- or I will try to make other people miserable because no one should be happier than me."
This mentality and behaviour is one of the most harmful elements in human thought and behaviour in my opinion. Because it perpetuates misery and recycles negativity, hate and aggression. But this also stems from the inability of humans to recognise their true enemies. The person whom you took your anger out on the tube isn't your enemy. That person isn't responsible for your misery. You are responsible for your misery, and possibly the system, economy etc. So to target a random individual is harmful and irrational. I'm not saying that people can't piss you off. Of course, they can. And sometimes you do have to tell people off on the tube, in a shop etc. if they're doing something that disrespects you, hurts you or obstructs you from what you are doing. But that is very different to taking out other issues you have on random people.

Random Thoughts XXXXVIV

That moment when you realise you are incapable of feeling absolute and pure happiness.

Harsh Reality

That moment when you realise dreams are just dreams that will never become reality.
That moment when you start crying because you slowly realise there is no hope.
That moment despair creeps in as you see your whole life crumble...

That moment has come for me. And it has come after me.

That moment when you realise everyone's hopes and expectations of you will never be materialised, because reality isn't a thought, an ability or a desire.

Reality is harsh as fuck and it crushes your whole being.

Wisdom Tooth Poem

Another day of rice and soup, fuck you, damn you, wisdom tooth

My tooth doesn't hurt as much no more, But I have to be careful not to make it sore

Fuck you, damn you, wisdom tooth, I want mozzarella sticks to tell the truth

Random Thoughts XXXXVIII

And you just lost the best thing that has ever happened to you.

Bye.

Random Thoughts XXXXVII

Sometimes you realise that you can just not tolerate anything else.
You have surpassed that point that used to be your limit by far, and even the smallest things can become triggers to send you off the edge.

And I'm at that point now, where I've taken too much bullshit, I've been too under appreciated, I've had to put up with too much ungratefullness, I had to survive obstacles on a daily basis, I had too many health implications, I had too many bad things happen to me constantly, and in general:
I've had enough.

Yes, I've had enough.
So from now on, get ready. This summer is going to be explosive.

Brexit

So apparently the brexiters won.

Right wings, racists, nationalists won.

I can't begin to tell you my feelings towards this result.

A country that is being governed by the Tories left the EU. This government wants to privatise the NHS, give less money to the Arts and Education, and give more power to banks and corporations.

Now that UK isn't part of the EU anymore, these things will happen. Dark times await the UK.

On top of that, there is no apparent plan for the aftermath of the brexit.

And what will happen to all of us who are from the EU and have been living in UK for years?

And what will happen to all the British people who live in the EU?

UK will be punished from the EU for this decision. Any brexiter who thought they can leave the EU and still be pampered by the EU is delusional.

And of course, now there is a great divide. Those who wanted to remain will never forgive the ones who wanted to leave, and those who wanted to leave now will have a sense of power over the ones who wanted to remain.

The majority of young people wanted to remain, and older people to leave, thus leaving the younger generations despising the older ones, feeling their future has been destroyed by anachronistic political and nationalist views.

The great divide begins, the dark ages begin.

Well done UK, you just started the domino effect of destruction.

Random Thoughts XXXXVI

That terrifying moment when you realise you can't trust your brain anymore...

Random Thoughts XXXXV

It's really hard to know that this is the only life I'm going to live, but it's not going to be the one I want to live.

Random Thoughts XXXXIV

I don't think that being optimistic is usually being realistic.
And unless you're coming from an extremely privileged background you can't really afford to be unrealistic, because you won't fucking survive in this jungle called "the adult world."

Donald Trump

The mere existence of Donald Trump and the fact that people are supporting him and he may become the president of USA shows humanity has no fucking hope.

In 2016, in 2016, there are still racists, white supremacists, homo/poly/transphobes, fatphobes, bullies, rapists, abusers, serial killers, cannibals, misogynists, sexists, extreme right wing people, people who torture animals, pedophiles, ableists, mentalists...

Humanity has existed for hundreds of thousands of years and we still discriminate against each other (not to mention that there is still war, hunger, poverty).

I generally exist in a very protected environment since my friends and most of my acquaintances are decent people and none of the above.

But in the past couple of years I have been exposed to the true nature of humanity widely and forcefully, through the internet.

And the more active I am online, the more desperate I become.

The more I lose any last fragment of hope I may have had.

Because for humanity to be the way it is, to have been and still be the way it is, it means any sort of evolution doesn't change the core of the human psych and behaviour. Hate and discrimination.

No matter how evolved we are as a species, no matter how fast technical advances and science unravel the mysteries of the universe, we won't change.

Evil is ingrained in our souls. That is very apparent to me. Not sure if it's somehow passed in our dna. But it is there.

And all this leaves me questioning, is goodness a minority?

Are we, the ones who demand peace and equality a painful minority?

Because if we are, where does that live us in the sense of demanding those things?

Random Thoughts XXXXIII

Wondering if all those people supporting the brand Chanel know how Coco came to make her fortune and what kind of relations she had with the Nazis. Is fashion more important than morals and ethos? Would you buy products created by a company owned by a pedophile for example? Where does consumerism stop -if at any point- and where does free and critical thinking begin?

Mental illness

There should be no stigma around mental illness.

There should be no bullying, no shaming, no punishing.

There should be empathy, understanding and support.

If you feel you can't support a person who suffers from mental illness that's ok. It can be emotionally draining and highly demanding. But at least don't bring that person down. Don't shame them or make fun of their illness.

I'm a person who has been suffering from mental illness since I was a child, since I started being conscious of my surroundings and myself.

I'm not a stereotype, I'm not a statistic and I'm definitely not "crazy" or "mental."

I'm not an indication of how other people who suffer from mental illnesses are. Each of us is different. Even if we suffer from the same condition, we're still different.

I'm not asking the people around me to be my therapist, carer etc. If I'm forming bonds and relationships with people it's because I like them, respect them etc. Not because I'm expecting to be taken care of. I can take care of myself. And if I can't, I'll refer to a professional.

Even though I suffer from mental illness myself, there were times when I distanced myself from other people who suffered from mental illness because I couldn't handle the impact their condition had on me. And that's ok. Because self care is a priority and it's important. But I never insulted those people for their conditions, I never shamed them nor blamed them. I walked away discreetly and respectfully.

Respect is tremendously important. We're not less of a human due to our mental illnesses. On the contrary, we are emotional, we feel, we exist. And we deserve respect, as any other being on this planet.

So, if you feel you can't understand mental illness, if you feel you don't want to do research on it, at least do not judge people who suffer from it.

Ignorance is bliss

The ones that possess intelligence and consciousness will always suffer.

Tormented by their realisations and thoughts, they will never be able to eliminate stress and despair from their lives.

Random Thoughts XXXXII

That moment came when I realised I've lived most of my life in despair.

Despair because -secretly- I always knew there was no hope.

Vanity.

The machine

So I was thinking the other day about the machine.
The machine being capitalism, combined with patriarchy, consumerism, and all those negative schools of thought that make the world we live in extremely uncomfortable for me.

But then I had an epiphany. We created the machine. We have created all those things that make this world be significantly shitty.
We, human race, created capitalism for example. And even though it was created with good (?) intentions it became corrupt, and evolved into a monster. 
And that monster took control.

The system is in control of the majority of people on this planet. Very few chose to obey the system because it benefits them or because they're scared. The rest are controlled. Mindless little sheep without consciousness, intellectual zombies. 

So, the machine has taken control. Since the system is part of the machine and it keeps it going. 

We created something to better our lives (supposedly) and we managed somehow to give it its own consciousness and power, which in the end resulted in us being under control.

It's ridiculous. 

However, the power of the machine is tremendous at this point. To the extend where it's extremely hard to escape being part of the machine. But then again, if you succumb to the machine and play by its rules, whilst trying to deceive the zombies that are controlled by the machine, you can be extremely successful. 

Of course that means you have no morals. But maybe you do, since morals are subjective. 

Who cares? When your survival is on the line, you do you. 

Or not? 

The eternal dilemma. You or the world? What matters the most?

Personal against global.

If I started studying philosophy maybe I'd have had an answer to my internal battle already. Maybe not.

Well, I just woke up so that's enough thinking for now. 

Good morning.

"Never Change"

"Never change"

I've heard this from many different people. Especially from people I've met for a brief period of time and we knew that we'd never see each other again.

Some people have applauded my kindness, generosity and empathy.
They insisted I need to always be myself and continue the legacy of good deeds I have started.

But recently I have had a change of mind.
For a long time I believed in prioritising others no matter how much it hurt my life.
Thankfully, a few years ago I realised that that was wrong and it made my life really hard. So then, I needed to decide which people deserved me prioritising them and to what extend. This has been a very hard process. Unfortunately it left me with a bitter aftertaste when I asked the question: "Would they do the same thing for you?" and more than often the response was "No."

All those years I have helped numerous people. With important and unimportant stuff. During hard and easier periods of my life. I had gone above and beyond to help certain people.
Very rarely did I hear "Thank you" from those people. Very rarely was there any type of reward, any type of gratitude or recognition, any type of "returning the favour." Now I know what you'll all think. When you help someone you don't do it to get something back. Some of you may even say that karma, the universe, god or whatever will return the favour to you. I don't believe in karma or god, and I've seen for myself that giving, transmitting positive energy and all that, doesn't come back to you. That's all bullshit told so people don't lose hope and jump off a cliff.
Life is unfair. Evil people succeed. Those without morals are at the top of the pyramid, and the rest of us are financial slaves, struggling to survive.

I have come to the conclusion that humans are inherently evil and immoral. But then, if that is the norm, wouldn't being evil and immoral be moral? Maybe. I'm no philosopher, nor do I want to be one, so that's something for you to argue and figure out.
But my personal opinion is that humans like to be superior than their fellow humans. They love controlling others and even have sadistic tendencies.

Also, humans are creatures of habit. If you're nice to them, they get used to it. Then they take it for granted and don't appreciate it. Whereas if you're always bad to them and you're nice once in a blue moon, they appreciate it more. Yes, the human brain is distorted. Or maybe it isn't.

For a long time I have also being doing "the right thing" even when it actually hurts me personally. But I always considered the greater good or being ethical more important than my personal gain, comfort etc. Did anything good come to me out of that ethical behaviour? No. Nothing at all.

I look around me and I see talentless people, people with no real passion, being billionaires -or trillionaires. And I see geniuses, artists, people with a vision, struggling to survive.

Now, I am an artist, I used to have a vision, and I'm inherently good. My instinct is to do good. However, I can't be successful if I continue to be the way I am. Because in the capitalist world we live in, kindness and goodness are never rewarded. Visions, unless they bring financial profit, aren't appreciated. Artistry, unless it brings financial profit, isn't appreciated.

I want to be a successful person. I have lived my life as a poor person, and I can assure you it ain't fun. It's not fun to always have to think about money. It's not fun when you can't even afford to go to the doctor, let alone go clothes shopping or enjoy any luxury. It's not fun to work your ass off and not get paid for your work, whereas your employer makes shitloads of money off your work (and still underpays you).

And here comes the dilemma: Do I change, do I become evil to seek success or do I continue to suffer in poverty?

I can't be evil. That is just the way I am. I can be vicious if someone treats me unfairly though. I can be vengeful. And society has treated me very poorly. So over the past couple of years I have started changing. Very slowly, but I am changing. That's what society does to you. That's what capitalism does to you. That's what other humans do to you.

In a world where everything is about money, where kindness and goodness aren't appreciated and sometimes are even looked down upon, your only option is to toughen up and play the game.
Because the game isn't going to change anytime soon. So it's either becoming part of the problem to ensure a comfortable survival or living a miserable life holding on to your hope that this world is going to change.

And I... I actually have zero hope.

The People v. OJ Simpson

So I'm watching The People v. OJ Simpson.

I'm not American, I've never followed the story before, but ever since I started watching the series, I have actually researched the case.

I do believe Simpson was guilty as fuck.
But, LA PD was careless, they didn't follow procedure and the evidence didn't even reach the jury. They were starstruck at the beginning and made great mistakes due to that reason.
Simpson was also filthy rich, he hired an excellent team of lawyers, with different specialties and great connections. Would an innocent person need to hire 5-6 lawyers?
The jury was selected in a way that would favour Simpson as well.

I think LA PD was racist at the time, well hell, even today USA police is racist.
However, Simpson wasn't accused of double homicide due to his race. He was rich, he was a star. His race was irrelevant on this one.
Nevertheless, for black Americans he was a hero. A self made person, the American dream.
So as the tv show shows, they didn't want to believe that a person like Simpson was guilty. A case of denial.
And that denial ensured that Simpson wasn't found guilty. Even though he was.
A win towards racist LA PD, a loss towards justice.

For instance, Simpson was abusive to his ex-wife. The police knew, her family knew, their friends knew. But he was famous. So he got a pass.
Years later he committed more crimes (owed taxes, battery & burglary, speeding, pirating broadcast signals, criminal conspiracy, kidnapping, assault, robbery and using a deadly weapon). He was actually sentenced in the end. But if any other person -who wasn't famous- had committed all the crimes Simpson did, they'd have be treated very differently.

The housing horror chronicles - University Accommodation

It seems I'm pretty unlucky when it comes to accommodation in London (see my previous blogposts if you want to find out why).

However, these past 3 years it's been too much, even for me.
I'm usually pretty good at adjusting. For example, I lived in university halls in the middle of a forest for 3 academic years, and even though there were a couple of issues whilst living there it was alright.

I don't expect university accommodation to be a five star hotel, especially the cheaper end of it.
It's one thing for university halls of residence to not be a five star hotel, and another thing to be like a drug den of 1930s though.

So, let's see what happened straight after I moved in to -let's call it- A1 (in 2014). A1 is one of the university halls of residence of my university.
Basically I had to move in to A1 for 2 and a half months (that was the contract).
A1 was like a dream (appearance wise). The room was like a hotel and it was ensuite as well. The kitchen was big and the flatmates (only 6 of them) minded their own business, which was great.
There were a couple of incidents when I had my ice cream stolen -as most of my flatmates were stoners and they probably went for my ice cream on their search for munchies in the kitchen- but other than that, all was cool. Well, all apart from the wifi issues. In the 2 and a half months I was there at least 4 or 5 times there was no wifi. Sometimes for almost half a day. And that's a pretty big deal. Another issue was that the laundry rooms weren't on site and you had to go to a different place. Also, you couldn't do your laundry 24/7.

Anyway, 2 and a half months flew by and I had to move out. I made arrangements to move to A2, another residence of my university. The day of the move I was told I had to put all my stuff in a room that would be locked, and then a van would come, I would put my stuff on the van and they would take them to A2. I was told I wouldn't have to wait more than a couple of hours. I actually had to wait for more than 8 hours. I was told there would be no van for me because I was the last person to move. People started grabbing my things without my permission to put them in a trolley even though I told them I felt extremely uncomfortable and I wanted them to stop. I realised some of my cutlery was missing and my suitcase was broken. I told the person who was in charge. Not only was she dismissive, but she said they would move my stuff in a trolley. I told her I had been waiting for 8 hours for the van and that I didn't want the staff touching my staff and moving it in a trolley. I was ignored.

So I moved to A2, already feeling uncomfortable and violated.
My room was big, the ensuite toilet was huge, the flat had 5 rooms, but I was alone for the most part of it. I stayed there for 1 month and a half. I could see the high street and the entrance of the building and unfortunately I had to put up with extreme noise levels, drunk people and people urinating on our door. When I moved in the oven wasn't working. I complained. I had to wait for almost a week before they brought a small replacement oven. It took them another week or so to fix the oven. After 20 days of me being there people from summer school started moving in. Those people had all came from Asia. The university didn't give them any info or advice prior to their move. I had to help them settle in, complete their inventories, explain how things work etc. In some flats there was no water in the kitchens, in one flat the boiler was on fire, in other flats the boilers were uncovered, in some rooms there were problems with the showers... In general many many health hazards. There was no security on site and security personnel patrolled 4 -or less- times a day around the building. And of course, there were wifi issues. Later on after I moved out, I found out there were mice in the building as well... The only good thing about these halls was that you could do your laundry 24/7 because it was on site.

So, I returned to Greece for a couple of months and then I made arrangements to move in to A3. A3 is the cheapest hall of residence owned by my university. Mind you A1 and A2 are quite expensive and supposedly fancy.

I heard a few things about A3 prior to moving in. There were many incidents where rooms had been broken into, there was a mice problem... And in general, I had been actively discouraged from moving there. However, these were the only halls I could afford.

So, I move in. Before entering the building I was in awe of how disgusting it looked from the back (where the entrance was) and how unsafe the area and the alley it was on looked. The inside was worse than anything I had seen to date from any university halls. There were too many stairs (for no reason) and the way the stairs were built made it extremely hard to move my stuff in to my room. Also, the structure of the halls was just bizarre. You had a semi-floor with 3 rooms and a shower, then a floor with six rooms and a toilet, then another semi-floor with 3 rooms and a shower, another floor with 6 rooms and a toilet with a bath and lastly, the top floor with 2 rooms, the kitchens and a toilet with a bath. My room was quite small. Some other rooms in the flat were twice its size though. The minute I moved in I was welcomed with gossip about the flat, the fact that flatmates didn't get along and argued a lot, and the fact that there was a flatmate meeting on that night -which I attended. I'm not going to get too much into the drama, but it compromised my experience for sure. However, when you live with 20 people you can't expect no drama I suppose.
So... what were the issues in A3? Well...

• Our backyard, where the entrances of the building were, was also the backyard of all the shops of the high street. Which meant people who weren't students had access to the premises. 
• Security was usually sleeping in the security kiosk or watching tv series during the night. We lived on a very dangerous road so knowing that security wouldn't be able to help if something happened was scary. Actually, after a point security stopped being in the kiosk and was only patrolling 4 times a day, which meant that technically there was no security at all. The reason why? The security personnel felt lonely when they had to be in the kiosk compared to being at A2 where there are other security people too...
• We have had numerous issues with the wifi not working. Once for 2 weeks amidst dissertation period. 
• We had issues with cockroaches and mice. Issues that weren't permanently resolved.
• We had problems with sink blockage multiple times. To the point where it became a health hazard. 
• We had problems with heating a few times. And once we didn't have heating or hot water for a whole week. 
• We have had issues with electricity a few times.
• We have had numerous issues with hot water in the showers.
• We had very serious problems with the boiler. Once it actually made noises as if it was going to explode.
• The cleaning lady hated us all for no reason (we're one of the cleanest flats in the building). She was rude to us multiple times and never cleaned communal spaces properly. She also never reported any of the issues in the flat (eg. heating, hot water problems) which challenged our credibility with the office when we reported the issues. In the end she said we were her favourite flat (go figure).
• The repairmen many times had no clue what they were doing, as many of them aren't specialists, but general handymen.
• The Estate Facilities manager had attitude and was extremely rude to students, going as far as to hang up the phone on them and insult them.
• The office staff and especially the managers were extremely dismissive of students' concerns and sometimes were talking down on them, always ignoring the issues in the halls.
• Reports from certain students were ignored.
• The laundry room was a 10 minute walk, which was an extreme burden. Also, the laundry machines/driers price was raised 100% within the span of 2 months. Plus there had been a few issues with the machines.

And the worst part of all that is that we never got any money back or any rent discounts. 

Another fun fact is one of the shops that had its back door on our backyard was a drug den and last year the police made arrests in university premises of people that didn't belong to the university, but since their shop's back door was on the premises the police raided their shop from our backyard. 

I could go on and on to tell you how many people I've seen urinating on the alley behind our building, or how many people have been robbed there in the past, but you get the point.

The fact that both entrances of the Halls were on that alley was a threat to our safety.

Update:
Since when I posted this my macbook was stolen from inside my room. Since there has been no security since before Christmas the thief got no issue entering the premises and our flat, coming to my floor, breaking into my room and stealing my macbook. This was the only time when they actually were cooperative since they knew I could easily sue them. Unfortunately, I don't have the money to do that.
Three days before that a student was beaten and got robbed outside the main door of the building.
Three weeks after that a person died inside the university. They fell off a university building, but we haven't been informed of whether it was an accident or not.
On top of that three flats -including mine- had no wifi for the past 7 days in the university halls. We have had connectivity issues in the past, but none lasted more than a day. Finally, after 7 days of everyone complaining they sent a technician. He said there is water leakage and that they don't how much longer we won't have wifi for. And they only reason I found out it because I kept going to the IT helpdesk. They lied about calling me several times so I had to waste my time and physically go there. Mind you we're all masters students doing our dissertations right now...
And of course they haven't given us any alternative to access the internet or any refund. 
The office said we should expect those issues and be patient.
!!! 
That was their official response...
Then they said they'd do a general refurbishment, including changing the cables, but we'd have graduated by then. They expected us to have no wifi until we graduate, even though we still had deadlines.
After 2 weeks and me complaining constantly they fixed the issue. Which they could have fixed a lot earlier. I have to admit though the office was nice towards me and offered to move me to another flat to have wifi, but at the time that was impossible for me to do. 

My last day there I saw two humongous rats in the backyard. 
Not going to miss this place.

Random Thoughts XXXXI

When people leave, when they make it clear either by their words or their behaviour, that they don't want you to be part of their life, you need to leave.
You need to respect their decision, but also, to respect yourself.

Don't beg. Don't try to contact them. Don't try to change their mind. Don't try to see how they're doing, if they're ok.
Once you have established you're not wanted, leave.

Rejection is hard, but you've probably rejected people around you without realising it too.
We'll always hurt others and others will always hurt us, that's for sure.

So accept the fact and move on.

For them, but also for you as well. 

The kids and the dark spiral

I hear screams coming from outside.

It's the school kids so I don't pay attention (they scream and shout for no reason all the time).

A few minutes pass and I hear screams and a commotion.

I look outside my window only to see a kid bleeding, being separated from someone he was fighting with. They almost got hit by a car as well.

The girls of the group kept on screaming while some of the boys left, and some others were with the kid who was bleeding.

They kept on screaming and shouting, and most of them seemed to enjoy the drama that was caused.

Not even one adult tried to separate the kids who were fighting, not even one adult tried to see if the boy was ok. Mind you the road was really busy at the time, so there were plenty of people around.

Most of the kids didn't try to help resolve the situation either.

Watching these young kids on a daily basis, overhearing their conversations, observing their attitude, it makes me really sad.

So much hatred, aggression, hate from such a young age.

So much unnecessary loudness and screaming, which is probably compensating for the things they really wanna say, for wanting to truly be heard. Or maybe because they have no other tools to communicate.

So much time wasted on things that are irrelevant and unimportant. Time they'll never get back.

I wonder what are their parents doing; whether they're ensuring their kids grow in a loving environment or are they too busy with work, survival and problems to care?

These kids are going to grow up thinking that what they're doing now is ok. Shouting, being violent, fighting... They're going to think that shouting is the only way of communication and violence is the only way to resolve your problems.

They're not going to be given the opportunity to explore peace and serenity in their lives. How beneficial civil interaction and communication can be, and how issues can be resolved calmly, without people having to get hurt.

And at times like this, when I see the younger generations going down that dark spiral that the previous generations created, I feel hopeless.

Μ'ακούς;

Πολλές φορές όταν μου λένε να μην παίρνω το μισογυνισμό στα σοβαρά ή ότι είμαι υπερβολική, θέλω να ουρλιάξω:

-Υποφέρω, μ'ακούς;

-Φοβάμαι κάθε άντρα που με πλησιάζει στο δρόμο γιατί πιστεύω ότι θέλει να μου κάνει κακό, μ'ακούς;

-Όταν περπατάω μόνη μου τη νύχτα κοιτάω πίσω μου συνέχεια και κρατάω τα κλειδιά μου σε περίπτωση που μου επιτεθούν, μ'ακούς;

-Όταν αμφισβητείς τη γνώση μου για ένα θέμα το οποίο γνωρίζω, επειδή είμαι γυναίκα, είναι άδικο, μ'ακούς;

-Όταν μου φέρεσαι λες και σου ανήκω ή είμαι ένα κομμάτι κρέας ή δεν είμαι άνθρωπος, εξοργίζομαι, μ'ακούς;

-Όταν δε με προσλαμβάνουν σε μία δουλειά γιατί πιστεύουν ότι είναι πιο εύκολο να δουλεύουν με άντρες, νιώθω απελπισία, μ'ακούς;

-Όταν μου λες ότι ο τόνος της φωνής μου είναι πιο σημαντικός από τα λόγια μου και θες να είμαι ήρεμη όταν μου συμβαίνουν αδικίες, νιώθω θυμό, μ'ακούς;

Και θα μπορούσα να πω πολλά ακόμα, αλλά το πρόβλημα είναι ότι δε μ'ακούς...

Happy Poetry Day

Happy Poetry day they all say

But no poems do they dedicate

To the poor, to the hungry, to all

Who are suffering, who are the dead toll

Random Thoughts XXXX

I'm extremely conflicted.

On one hand, I strongly believe there is absolutely no hope for humanity.

On the other hand, due to my character I can't stop fighting for equality and fairness.

It's hard to give up sometimes.

But what happens when -whatever you do- things don't change?

Core Beliefs

It's very hard indeed to challenge your core beliefs.

It can be tremendously painful to see that your core beliefs may be based on deception, weakness, brainwashing, lies etc...

However, if you want to be free, if you want to be your own person, if you want to avoid deception and exploitation, you need to challenge your core beliefs at all costs.