Neverland

Since it was my birthday the other day, I decided to gift you a snippet of a poem I wrote about a month ago.

For the past few years I get pre-birthday melancholy during the month of my birthday, October (which is funny considering it's also my favourite month and I love Halloween, but hey! I'm a walking contradiction).

And so, here it is -partly:

'Neverland'

"Life’s already sad and boring; you’re not even thirty-one

Now you have to be so careful, and to bring food to the table

Pay those bills, have a career, and no option to give up

Always pretending you know what you’re doing, heart shut

Rude awakening leaves you wishing you were Peter Pan

Always young, forever young, eternal youth in Neverland"

Another 'Birthday Melancholy' Post

I think it's turned into a tradition, me being depressed and miserable on the month of my birthday (and in general -don't be fooled- but October is even worse) and sharing that negativity with you.
Which is funny (?) and bizarre, as I actually love the month of my birthday. It's the spooky month after all, the month of Halloween. It's also when the unbearable heat of the summer dissolves and I can finally wear makeup without having to worry that my face will melt.

But every year same old story: I think about my life, what I have not accomplished, especially compared to my peers, and how sucky my life is. I also get paralysed by my time and death phobias and generally experience an avalanche of negative thoughts.

So, for this year's menu we have:

• Career failure (or shall I say absence?)
• Health Issues 
• Uncertainty of own future 
• Lack of motivation/goals
• And of course, asking if this life is worth living

Above all though, I reminisce the year that has passed, and what has happened during it.

Let's see...

I received my MA degree; two of my best friends moved out of London; I lived in a house with the worst housemates I've experienced so far, being bullied and attacked constantly; I got a good -and hard- part time job for which I was underpaid; I had severe financial issues -some of which were due to being underpaid; I had my second year anniversary with my lovely boyfriend; my health problems escalated to the point where I had to quit my job leave UK -and my lovely boyfriend behind; I had issues with my computer which cost money to fix, and weren't fixed properly either; my health kept -and still is- deteriorating; a family friend died; and the icing on the cake, universe's birthday present to me, YouTube deleting my channel (for details on that read this, this, this, this, but above all this).

Yeah. Doesn't sound too good, right?

And here I am, contemplating if I can handle another year like the previous one. Every year my sole wish is that the following year won't be as bad as the previous one.

E.g. Last year, just before I turned 28, I was in despair. I had gone through hell. From struggling with my Masters degree, to suffering financially, to having my macbook stolen from my room in Uni Halls -whilst I was in the building-, to being severely cyberbullied, to almost being physically assaulted by a catcaller...

So, my sole wish was for my 28th year on this planet to not be as bad as my 27th year.

Nope. It somehow managed to be worse. Way worse.

Since I remember myself, with the exception of very few years, each year has been worse than the one preceding it. And we reached that point where that terrifies me.

Because, if my 29th year is even slightly worse than my 28th year, it will be more than I can handle. My 28th year has already surpassed my coping levels, which resulted in me being bedbound for almost 4 months. 

I know there's not much I can do about this. We have no control over our futures, and sometimes not even over our present actions resulting in those futures -depending on the circumstances. Therefore, I know that there's no way to predict nor control the unknown, my future. 

And that my friend is hard to come to terms with, especially suspecting the amount of suffering I'll have to go through. 

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to prepare for the storm that is coming. I know it's coming. I just hope this year will spare me, even a little bit, and this time my 29th year won't be as bad as my 28th. Even a little bit better is a lot better to me.

I can only hope at this point after all...

Random Thoughts XXI

And then you realised that you can't fill that void inside you no matter how hard you try to trick yourself into doing so.
Pretentious actions, virtual attractions...
It all ends the same.

Pro-birthday Melancholy (?)

It's that time of the year again.
You know when you're gonna have a good b.day and you know when you're gonna have a bad b.day. I feel like this year the latter will be the case.
I could be wrong -I wish. However I highly doubt it.

25. . . what does that entail? that I will grow up? that I will find a job and start functioning like an 'adult'? that I will try to become 'mature'?

Fuck all that. I don't want to 'grow up', I don't want to get a job that will pay me just enough to pay for my rent and go to my job, I don't want to stop getting pierced and tattooed, I don't want to have 'normal' hair, I don't want to dress 'properly', I don't want to stop raving/partying/travelling/having a good time, I don't want to compromise my dreams/myself, I don't want to stop studying -ever- even though I might not even want to work on the field I studied, I don't want to lose weight -yep, there are some of us who don't want to even if 'society' says they should-, I don't want to watch tv, I don't want to follow orders or respect any kind of authority, I don't wanna conform to anything that isn't true to myself...
In a nutshell, I don't want to do anything I don't want to do.

You'd think that by the time someone is 25 they'd get a job and become part of the machine. I have no intention whatsoever to become part of any fucking machine, unless it helps the environment, animals, humans and spreads health and positivity. To my knowledge there is no such thing since "the machine" refers to something totally different.

Some of the people reading this might think I'm a very spoiled person. But before judging me for my persistence on only doing things I want to do let me tell you a couple of things first.

I strongly believe that to appreciate happiness you have to go through hell.
And I have been. I've been bullied, I've been stalked, I've been discriminated against, I've been cheated on, I've been attacked, I've been through some major health issues a number of which I will have to live with for the rest of my life, I've been suicidal, I'm ocd and bipolar -which many times leads to depression- and the list could actually go on a bit further, but I shall stop here.

Even my closest friends don't know most of the things I've been through and that has been my choice all along. Why? Because I don't want to focus on that. Because if I focus on the bad things I won't be able to live the good moments, and there have been plenty of them in my life as well.
However if I hadn't been through so much shit I wouldn't have been able to appreciate these good moments; I wouldn't have been able to foresee them coming and let myself indulge in them. I would have probably just ignored them.
Moreover I don't want to feed off misery. "You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness".* Yes, you can, but I don't want to. I choose life.**
I don't know when I actually made this choice. I think it happened somewhere along the way this year.

I have seen a major transformation in me the past couple years; an inner transformation.
Embracing your darkness without letting it devour your light isn't an easy task. I do have a long way to go -still- as I am naturally drawn to darkness, nevertheless I'm trying to find my light and have it co-exist with my darker side. The darkness being the inspiration, and the light being the motivation.

So no, I won't succumb to the trap of 'growing up'; of working to make money for someone who doesn't give a shit about you and makes 100 times what you make without working as hard; of dressing in a certain way I don't like; of acting a certain way I don't like; of not using my brain; of not being creative and artistic; of not studying whatever the hell I want, just because I want to acquire knowledge; of eating gmo food; of not loving myself etc.

This article/confession/who-knows-what-the-hell-it-really-is started off as a very negative piece of writing. And here comes the bipolar effect when one second you're laughing, next you're crying and vice versa.

I don't know how tomorrow will play out. I'm hoping for the best, expecting both the worst and the best and just wish for health and happiness. For me, for you, for everyone.

Happy birthday to me,

P.S
* lyric from the song 'Somebody I used to know'
**phrase from the movie 'Trainspotting'