Random Thoughts LXXXVIII

How many more winters will I get to see?

I’m looking outside the window. I can see the garden showered with spring’s sunlight. What a beautiful day. Winter is now gone. Till next year. The passage from winter to spring was so quiet and discreet, I almost missed it.

And now, that leaves me wondering how many more winters I have left. How many winter-to-spring passages I will have the privilege of witnessing until I exist no more. How many years are left before I become an idea of who I was, a memory. 

Random Thoughts LXXX

Isn’t it fucked up that the world we live in is so shitty, we constantly seek forms of escapism?
Be it food, drugs, shopping, gambling, adrenaline rushes or anything else, many are in a constant search for distractions from the life they live.

Little Lizard

Less than a couple of hours ago I thought I had saved a little lizard from two stray cats. Its tail was cut off and it had a scratch on the side. I put it in a safe place in the garden, only to find out that ants were eating it an hour later. I was very shaken and sad by the fact that I couldn't save it, but even more so by the fact that it was suffering prior to its death. This is a poem I wrote for it:

"Poor little lizard, what an awful way to dieHe cut your tail and he scratched your side

I tried to save you; I failed, tell me why?
My heart is broken, distraught; I saw you die

I hoped you didn’t suffer; I want to say goodbye
Your last moments were painful; I wish it was a lie

I wish I’d been more helpful, I wish I’d saved your life
I’m now mourning your death, tears running from my eyes

I thought you would survive this, but then I saw the ants
Devouring your small body, approached you really fast

I’ll give you a proper burial, I know you had a soul
I’m sorry I couldn’t save you from this unfair downfall"

Rest in peace little lizard...

Random Thoughts LXXIII

It's tragic to realise that life's so shit everyone is trapped in escapism.
No one seems to be happy with the way life is, unless they use something to take their minds off of it. 

Angry & Tired

I've been very angry lately.

Angry and tired.

Angry because I see so much unfairness around me. People benefit from others' sadness and exploitation. And they don't even care.
They don't give a fuck.

And tired because I am one of those who care.
I am one of those who do give a fuck.
And so, I suffer.

I suffer due to my own issues (which I'm not going to refer to on this post, as they're way too many), but I also suffer due to others' issues and how the unfairness of this world is affecting them.

I'm also tired of how unfairness influences my life, my health, my career, my relationships.

Many people say money can't bring you happiness. Well, what it can bring you is very close to that: power. And power gives you the opportunity to say 'fuck all' and do as you please, live as you please, freed from the restrictions and limitations of a 'normal/average' life.

Random Thoughts LXVIII

Feeling quite blue today...

I don't know, it seems that every time I take a few steps forward towards improving my life -and my health- something happens that pushes me back.

It took such a long time -due to my ill health- to finish my masters degree. After struggling and fighting for so long, I made it.
Then, I managed to find a place to live and I got myself a job. Isn't that what adults are supposed to do anyways?
The housing situation especially affected my health -severely. The job was fine -most of the time- even though I was underpaid.
But in the end, all sorts of horrific things came to my life at the same time -as always timing is extremely fucked up in my life-, awaking some old buried phantoms of the past as well.

It's not easy to fight everything at once and all the time. And it's even harder when most people don't know your struggles and suffering and have certain expectations from you, or misconceptions of you.

Which is why this past year I decided to drop the weight of others' expectations completely. For once in my life I am being selfish.

I've tried to do that many times in the past, but I had failed.

This time, I had no other choice. My survival instincts kicked in and I prioritised myself.
Because I had to.

Random Thoughts LXVII

I always feel like I'm getting more and more tired of life.
But then I look back on my posts and I see that I've been equally tired since a long time ago.
It just feels like it's all new or more intense, when it isn't.

I wonder, how flawed can my perception be in other matters?

For example, I already have an issue with my perception of time, and certain events. I sometimes even struggle to separate reality from fantasy.

But I've noticed that that happens to other people as well. Many of those people I know and/or love. Interestingly enough, most of them don't realise.

What if we all do it one way or another, having a flawed perception, one that cannot always be objective, distinguish reality, or follow linear concepts, but we aren't aware of it?
What does that mean for the world? The way it operates, the way societies form, and even more importantly, the way we seek and perceive the truth?

Damn, that escalated quickly to a philosophical debate -or maybe to a mere philosophical question...

Random Thoughts XXXXXXV

It's not that the older people get they get wiser and figure life out.
It's that they learn to pretend everything is alright and they just become better at that.
Pretending.

Just another rhetorical question

How do you force yourself to exist when you have absolutely nothing to live for?

Random Thoughts XXXXXXIII

It fails me how life manages to get worse day by day.
Like, are things ever going to get even a tiny bit better, or at least remain the way they are, or should we expect to suffer more and more by the day?

If that's all that life is about, what's the fucking point?

Bitter, Petty and Jealous

People who are younger than me are on their way of becoming billionaires, some others already hold PHDs, many have successful careers and hold fulfilling jobs, some are getting recognition in the arts...

And here I am stuck in my bed, doing nothing due to my health situation. I've mentioned this on a previous post of mine: Throughout my life I have suffered from poor health, and that has prevented me from doing a lot of things, leaving me stuck in inertia.

One could argue that if I wanted to do stuff my health should be irrelevant. There are people who are literally dying and are still active.
True, but those people are not me.

I'm not one of those hero-fighter types who never give up and persevere. I admire them, but I'm not one of them.
When my life is shit and my health is shit I can't gather the strength to do anything. I just want to give up. And I do.
Then, one may say, I should not complain.

Well, fuck it. This is my blog and I do what I want. So, if I want to complain and be bitter, petty and jealous, I will. Because this is the only place and the only space I allow myself to do so, and it's acceptable for me to do so.
I hold myself to unrealistic standards of perfectionism in my social, private, public and work life.
So, please, let me have this space to be able to express things that I would never dare to otherwise.

Jealousy.
It's a very very annoying feeling. Especially when you're a nice person. Because the feeling of being jealous makes you feel guilty. You question your integrity as a person. You question your morals. "Why am I not happy with my friends' happiness and success? Why am I so angry?"
It's something I've felt too many times, and it can crush you. You smile, you congratulate people, you pretend you're so excited they're doing well, whilst you're burning with anger and jealousy inside. "Why can't I be happy and successful too?" you wonder.

How am I supposed to be happy for other people when I'm not happy with my own life? How can I not be jealous and get angry when I look around and I see many people with a lot less qualifications, less intelligent, less talented, unkind and without morals succeed in life?
People make millions for being on reality tv or exploiting others or tricking the masses, people are famous for being famous or for doing crazy shit...
I'm not saying every successful person out there is undeserving of their success.
But some achieved it due to good connections, coming from wealthy families, or having no morals.

And you know what? Sometimes I wish I was like that. I wish things could come to me easily, without constant suffering. Sometimes I wish I was like them: either a rich spoiled brat, an immoral shark, or a social butterfly.
But I'm not. And I could never be.

Which makes me bitter towards and jealous of other people's success a lot of the time. Of course I keep that to myself and never let it manifest in public.

I'm a human, and when I'm unhappy and my life isn't fulfilling and my health is poor: I can't be happy for other people. I'll pretend to be, as I'd never want to compromise another's happiness, but I'll be jealous and bitter inside. And that is something I cannot change.

Random Thoughts XXXXXV

Life is way too short to care what other people think about your life and your choices.

Every spring I try to let go of all that which isn't good for me. Including withered relationships, bad habits and toxic situations.

Why spring you may ask...

Not sure.

Maybe because the blossoming of flowers marks a new beginning.

2016 - be gone!

So, now that 2016 is coming to an end, I stumbled upon a couple of posts from famous people saying things along those lines:
1. "Oh, this was a horrible year, but nothing great comes from an 'easy' life, so take the lessons with you blah blah blah..."

Well, fuck that. A lot of great things come to people with easy lives. Check the Kardashians, check Paris Hilton, check that stupid Poker player who is a millionaire, check all of those viral internet sensations who did stupid shit that landed them deals with big companies, check that dude who just narrates whilst playing video games. All have 'easy' lives, all are successful millionaires.

ps. Yep this is materialistic af, but I'd rather be a millionaire and a materialist, than be a poor mofo. Sorry, not sorry.

2. "Life is what you make of it."

That's some bullshit entitled and privileged people came up with. Say that to the people in Syria who have lost their homes and families; say that to people with leukemia; say that to people who have been raped; say that to people who lost their homes due to floods/tsunamis/earthquakes; say that to people who have no drinking water/food/shelter. It's all nice and easy when you have no serious troubles in your life and can be a 'couch philosopher'.

Yeah, I know these are both positive quotes and I'm being all negative and all, but I'd rather be 'negative' and realistic, than delusional. Reality is harsh. Life is unfair.

Is it too late?

This blog entry is mainly for anyone who is a teenager or younger than that.
I'm going to share with you a few of my thoughts and conclusions.
Feel free to read if you're older as well, but be warned that this blog entry may make you feel a tad sad.

It is quite unfortunate, but we have created a world that operates like a machine. A very fast paced machine. And that machine pushes you to start building your career as a teenager, to try to succeed from a young age, because it tells you that your life ain't worth living if you're older and 'unsuccessful.'
There's so much pressure to know what you want to do extremely early in life. And you're forced to stick with those early options to be safe and secure.
Society tells you you need security so you have to decide on a career from a young age and follow through. By the time you're 30 you have to be able to afford your own house, and depending on the career you chose to be famous and/or rich, or to make a name for yourself. Above all, you have to make connections because your worth is not as relevant as the people you know.

And if you're an artist it's even worse. Everyone tells you to put art aside and find a 'real career.'
So, if you're a teenage artist I suggest putting yourself out there, and starting to work on your career as early as possible. You'll also have to be an extrovert to succeed, and if you're not one, you'll have to either push yourself or give up.

It's sad, that young people nowadays aren't allowed to make mistakes and explore their options. That they aren't allowed to be themselves.

I made the mistake to take my time and explore.
And at almost 28 years of age I still have no clue what I want to do with my life or how to pursue it.
So it's too late for me now. I have to find a 'real job,' do something that I hate for the rest of my life and be unhappy. After all, that's how 'normal' adults live...

But if you're a young person you don't have to go through that. Maybe it's too late for me, but it's not too late for you.

So get out there and start building your adult life early on. Don't let time pass you by.

My last day as a student

Today marks my last day as a university student, or a student in general.
My university student card expires on this day.

Mixed feelings. Bittersweet. Redemption, relief, anxiety, sadness, melancholy...

I started going to primary school in Greece when I was six years old. I remember how excited I was to learn the alphabet, the tool of the writer. I immediately started keeping a diary and then writing stories, and later poems and lyrics. Primary school was easy and fun, and then not so much fun when the school shut down and I had to transfer to a bigger one. Then senior school was ok, I was reading a lot of literature at the time, and I started learning about all sorts of different subjects at school. High school was when I started questioning the knowledge passed on by the teachers and books, and when my ability to think critically really evolved and started shaping the person I am today. Then, came prep school to get to uni. Next year, off I went to uni in Greece. Two years of learning things I wasn't sure I was interested in. I decided to go to the UK to study music. To push myself to do that which I have always loved. My time as a music student was eye opening. I learned, I lived, I experienced, I grew, I lost myself and I found me again. After that I took a gap year to decide what I should do next. Then, off I went to my masters degree. Little did I know these would be the hardest three years of my life. I went through trauma, mental breakdowns, I learned, I rediscovered myself, I improved my research and writing skills and I became an adult. Yes, at almost 28 years old I became an adult.

Overall, I've spent 21 years of my life in education. And that chapter of my life is coming to an end today.
I'm not sure what the future holds. The future is terrifying territory for me.

What I'm sure of is that being in education helped me become the best version of myself. It helped me become aware. It provided me with the tools I need to be a decent human being. And not necessarily because of the teachers, even though I encountered a few of them that were exceptional -not a majority unfortunately. It was my effort, my resilience and research that gave me the tools, but had I not had education as a platform, I doubt I'd have ever made that effort and engaged in such research.

So, if you ever have the chance to go to college, university, or anything similar, grab it. Make sure to use that time creatively, meaningfully, lose yourself, find yourself, do crazy shit, learn crazy shit, question everything, and above all,  _________ .
No, I ain't telling you that part. That is for you to discover yourselves.

Just fly,
Lara

"Never Change"

"Never change"

I've heard this from many different people. Especially from people I've met for a brief period of time and we knew that we'd never see each other again.

Some people have applauded my kindness, generosity and empathy.
They insisted I need to always be myself and continue the legacy of good deeds I have started.

But recently I have had a change of mind.
For a long time I believed in prioritising others no matter how much it hurt my life.
Thankfully, a few years ago I realised that that was wrong and it made my life really hard. So then, I needed to decide which people deserved me prioritising them and to what extend. This has been a very hard process. Unfortunately it left me with a bitter aftertaste when I asked the question: "Would they do the same thing for you?" and more than often the response was "No."

All those years I have helped numerous people. With important and unimportant stuff. During hard and easier periods of my life. I had gone above and beyond to help certain people.
Very rarely did I hear "Thank you" from those people. Very rarely was there any type of reward, any type of gratitude or recognition, any type of "returning the favour." Now I know what you'll all think. When you help someone you don't do it to get something back. Some of you may even say that karma, the universe, god or whatever will return the favour to you. I don't believe in karma or god, and I've seen for myself that giving, transmitting positive energy and all that, doesn't come back to you. That's all bullshit told so people don't lose hope and jump off a cliff.
Life is unfair. Evil people succeed. Those without morals are at the top of the pyramid, and the rest of us are financial slaves, struggling to survive.

I have come to the conclusion that humans are inherently evil and immoral. But then, if that is the norm, wouldn't being evil and immoral be moral? Maybe. I'm no philosopher, nor do I want to be one, so that's something for you to argue and figure out.
But my personal opinion is that humans like to be superior than their fellow humans. They love controlling others and even have sadistic tendencies.

Also, humans are creatures of habit. If you're nice to them, they get used to it. Then they take it for granted and don't appreciate it. Whereas if you're always bad to them and you're nice once in a blue moon, they appreciate it more. Yes, the human brain is distorted. Or maybe it isn't.

For a long time I have also being doing "the right thing" even when it actually hurts me personally. But I always considered the greater good or being ethical more important than my personal gain, comfort etc. Did anything good come to me out of that ethical behaviour? No. Nothing at all.

I look around me and I see talentless people, people with no real passion, being billionaires -or trillionaires. And I see geniuses, artists, people with a vision, struggling to survive.

Now, I am an artist, I used to have a vision, and I'm inherently good. My instinct is to do good. However, I can't be successful if I continue to be the way I am. Because in the capitalist world we live in, kindness and goodness are never rewarded. Visions, unless they bring financial profit, aren't appreciated. Artistry, unless it brings financial profit, isn't appreciated.

I want to be a successful person. I have lived my life as a poor person, and I can assure you it ain't fun. It's not fun to always have to think about money. It's not fun when you can't even afford to go to the doctor, let alone go clothes shopping or enjoy any luxury. It's not fun to work your ass off and not get paid for your work, whereas your employer makes shitloads of money off your work (and still underpays you).

And here comes the dilemma: Do I change, do I become evil to seek success or do I continue to suffer in poverty?

I can't be evil. That is just the way I am. I can be vicious if someone treats me unfairly though. I can be vengeful. And society has treated me very poorly. So over the past couple of years I have started changing. Very slowly, but I am changing. That's what society does to you. That's what capitalism does to you. That's what other humans do to you.

In a world where everything is about money, where kindness and goodness aren't appreciated and sometimes are even looked down upon, your only option is to toughen up and play the game.
Because the game isn't going to change anytime soon. So it's either becoming part of the problem to ensure a comfortable survival or living a miserable life holding on to your hope that this world is going to change.

And I... I actually have zero hope.

The housing horror chronicles - University Accommodation

It seems I'm pretty unlucky when it comes to accommodation in London (see my previous blogposts if you want to find out why).

However, these past 3 years it's been too much, even for me.
I'm usually pretty good at adjusting. For example, I lived in university halls in the middle of a forest for 3 academic years, and even though there were a couple of issues whilst living there it was alright.

I don't expect university accommodation to be a five star hotel, especially the cheaper end of it.
It's one thing for university halls of residence to not be a five star hotel, and another thing to be like a drug den of 1930s though.

So, let's see what happened straight after I moved in to -let's call it- A1 (in 2014). A1 is one of the university halls of residence of my university.
Basically I had to move in to A1 for 2 and a half months (that was the contract).
A1 was like a dream (appearance wise). The room was like a hotel and it was ensuite as well. The kitchen was big and the flatmates (only 6 of them) minded their own business, which was great.
There were a couple of incidents when I had my ice cream stolen -as most of my flatmates were stoners and they probably went for my ice cream on their search for munchies in the kitchen- but other than that, all was cool. Well, all apart from the wifi issues. In the 2 and a half months I was there at least 4 or 5 times there was no wifi. Sometimes for almost half a day. And that's a pretty big deal. Another issue was that the laundry rooms weren't on site and you had to go to a different place. Also, you couldn't do your laundry 24/7.

Anyway, 2 and a half months flew by and I had to move out. I made arrangements to move to A2, another residence of my university. The day of the move I was told I had to put all my stuff in a room that would be locked, and then a van would come, I would put my stuff on the van and they would take them to A2. I was told I wouldn't have to wait more than a couple of hours. I actually had to wait for more than 8 hours. I was told there would be no van for me because I was the last person to move. People started grabbing my things without my permission to put them in a trolley even though I told them I felt extremely uncomfortable and I wanted them to stop. I realised some of my cutlery was missing and my suitcase was broken. I told the person who was in charge. Not only was she dismissive, but she said they would move my stuff in a trolley. I told her I had been waiting for 8 hours for the van and that I didn't want the staff touching my staff and moving it in a trolley. I was ignored.

So I moved to A2, already feeling uncomfortable and violated.
My room was big, the ensuite toilet was huge, the flat had 5 rooms, but I was alone for the most part of it. I stayed there for 1 month and a half. I could see the high street and the entrance of the building and unfortunately I had to put up with extreme noise levels, drunk people and people urinating on our door. When I moved in the oven wasn't working. I complained. I had to wait for almost a week before they brought a small replacement oven. It took them another week or so to fix the oven. After 20 days of me being there people from summer school started moving in. Those people had all came from Asia. The university didn't give them any info or advice prior to their move. I had to help them settle in, complete their inventories, explain how things work etc. In some flats there was no water in the kitchens, in one flat the boiler was on fire, in other flats the boilers were uncovered, in some rooms there were problems with the showers... In general many many health hazards. There was no security on site and security personnel patrolled 4 -or less- times a day around the building. And of course, there were wifi issues. Later on after I moved out, I found out there were mice in the building as well... The only good thing about these halls was that you could do your laundry 24/7 because it was on site.

So, I returned to Greece for a couple of months and then I made arrangements to move in to A3. A3 is the cheapest hall of residence owned by my university. Mind you A1 and A2 are quite expensive and supposedly fancy.

I heard a few things about A3 prior to moving in. There were many incidents where rooms had been broken into, there was a mice problem... And in general, I had been actively discouraged from moving there. However, these were the only halls I could afford.

So, I move in. Before entering the building I was in awe of how disgusting it looked from the back (where the entrance was) and how unsafe the area and the alley it was on looked. The inside was worse than anything I had seen to date from any university halls. There were too many stairs (for no reason) and the way the stairs were built made it extremely hard to move my stuff in to my room. Also, the structure of the halls was just bizarre. You had a semi-floor with 3 rooms and a shower, then a floor with six rooms and a toilet, then another semi-floor with 3 rooms and a shower, another floor with 6 rooms and a toilet with a bath and lastly, the top floor with 2 rooms, the kitchens and a toilet with a bath. My room was quite small. Some other rooms in the flat were twice its size though. The minute I moved in I was welcomed with gossip about the flat, the fact that flatmates didn't get along and argued a lot, and the fact that there was a flatmate meeting on that night -which I attended. I'm not going to get too much into the drama, but it compromised my experience for sure. However, when you live with 20 people you can't expect no drama I suppose.
So... what were the issues in A3? Well...

• Our backyard, where the entrances of the building were, was also the backyard of all the shops of the high street. Which meant people who weren't students had access to the premises. 
• Security was usually sleeping in the security kiosk or watching tv series during the night. We lived on a very dangerous road so knowing that security wouldn't be able to help if something happened was scary. Actually, after a point security stopped being in the kiosk and was only patrolling 4 times a day, which meant that technically there was no security at all. The reason why? The security personnel felt lonely when they had to be in the kiosk compared to being at A2 where there are other security people too...
• We have had numerous issues with the wifi not working. Once for 2 weeks amidst dissertation period. 
• We had issues with cockroaches and mice. Issues that weren't permanently resolved.
• We had problems with sink blockage multiple times. To the point where it became a health hazard. 
• We had problems with heating a few times. And once we didn't have heating or hot water for a whole week. 
• We have had issues with electricity a few times.
• We have had numerous issues with hot water in the showers.
• We had very serious problems with the boiler. Once it actually made noises as if it was going to explode.
• The cleaning lady hated us all for no reason (we're one of the cleanest flats in the building). She was rude to us multiple times and never cleaned communal spaces properly. She also never reported any of the issues in the flat (eg. heating, hot water problems) which challenged our credibility with the office when we reported the issues. In the end she said we were her favourite flat (go figure).
• The repairmen many times had no clue what they were doing, as many of them aren't specialists, but general handymen.
• The Estate Facilities manager had attitude and was extremely rude to students, going as far as to hang up the phone on them and insult them.
• The office staff and especially the managers were extremely dismissive of students' concerns and sometimes were talking down on them, always ignoring the issues in the halls.
• Reports from certain students were ignored.
• The laundry room was a 10 minute walk, which was an extreme burden. Also, the laundry machines/driers price was raised 100% within the span of 2 months. Plus there had been a few issues with the machines.

And the worst part of all that is that we never got any money back or any rent discounts. 

Another fun fact is one of the shops that had its back door on our backyard was a drug den and last year the police made arrests in university premises of people that didn't belong to the university, but since their shop's back door was on the premises the police raided their shop from our backyard. 

I could go on and on to tell you how many people I've seen urinating on the alley behind our building, or how many people have been robbed there in the past, but you get the point.

The fact that both entrances of the Halls were on that alley was a threat to our safety.

Update:
Since when I posted this my macbook was stolen from inside my room. Since there has been no security since before Christmas the thief got no issue entering the premises and our flat, coming to my floor, breaking into my room and stealing my macbook. This was the only time when they actually were cooperative since they knew I could easily sue them. Unfortunately, I don't have the money to do that.
Three days before that a student was beaten and got robbed outside the main door of the building.
Three weeks after that a person died inside the university. They fell off a university building, but we haven't been informed of whether it was an accident or not.
On top of that three flats -including mine- had no wifi for the past 7 days in the university halls. We have had connectivity issues in the past, but none lasted more than a day. Finally, after 7 days of everyone complaining they sent a technician. He said there is water leakage and that they don't how much longer we won't have wifi for. And they only reason I found out it because I kept going to the IT helpdesk. They lied about calling me several times so I had to waste my time and physically go there. Mind you we're all masters students doing our dissertations right now...
And of course they haven't given us any alternative to access the internet or any refund. 
The office said we should expect those issues and be patient.
!!! 
That was their official response...
Then they said they'd do a general refurbishment, including changing the cables, but we'd have graduated by then. They expected us to have no wifi until we graduate, even though we still had deadlines.
After 2 weeks and me complaining constantly they fixed the issue. Which they could have fixed a lot earlier. I have to admit though the office was nice towards me and offered to move me to another flat to have wifi, but at the time that was impossible for me to do. 

My last day there I saw two humongous rats in the backyard. 
Not going to miss this place.

London Housing Chronicles (Part 3)

Intro

For anyone who follows my blog this isn't gonna come to you as a surprise.
You already know I'm not the luckiest person when it comes to accommodation in UK.

So last time I mentioned my housing situation I had just moved out from that horrible house to my uni halls (the posh version, since I managed to get a cheaper deal).
Time there was heavenly and I was feeling so much better. All good things must come to an end though and so did my contract, forcing me to move out and in to my other uni halls. There my room was dope, the building was shit, the people were nice, the resident assistants were pricks and thankfully I only had to live there for a month and a half. After that I went back to Greece for sometime.

When I came back I rented a room in my other uni halls (different from the previous ones). I had been warned by a friend that I should better not live there, but the rent was considerably cheap, and the location was great.

And now let's get to the main dish...

Despite all the bad rumours of these halls (people stealing from each others' rooms, people stealing food, mice running around etc) due to my finances I had no other choice but to move in.
So my flat has the shittiest structure any flat has ever had.
The kitchens (2) are on the top floor, the way toilets and showers have been placed makes no sense, there are only 2 showers and 2 baths (which cannot really be used) for 20 people...

I hated this place from the second I entered the building. But things became worse when I was moving in and within the first 30 minutes of being there one of my neighbours started telling me about all the drama that was going on. Imagine moving to a place with 19 more people and immediately being aware that people don't get along with each other. I even had to participate on a housemate meeting on my first night there, because the flatmates decided there was too much drama which needed to be resolved -which didn't happen.

The drama & The housemates

I'm not going to go into detail out of respect for people's privacy.
The sure thing is that many people don't like each other. They have done nothing to try and live together in harmony and many gave no shits for causing great discomfort to their flatmates. In less than six months we had more than six people move out and that is no coincidence. Life in this flat is extremely stressful, people love talking behind each others' backs, many flatmates are extremely pretentious, they are extremely disrespectful to their flatmates and they generally don't realise that this isn't a hippy commune nor their own house, this is Uni Halls.

During my time in this flat I had (and still have) to put up with the following:

• People leaving their unwashed dishes in the sink (even when they're away travelling outside the country) causing mountains of unwashed dishes at times, which made it impossible to use the sink
• People leaving their unwashed dishes next to the sink, leaving no space for anyone to place any other items there
• People placing dirty dishes on the drying rack
• People placing the dishes in a way that is dangerous (I almost stabbed myself a couple of times and had pans placed on the shelves fall on me)
• People not washing communal stuff that they have used 
• People leaving the kitchen in a state
• People stealing my glasses
• People stealing my food from the fridge
• People stealing my food from my cupboard
• People using my stuff and food without my permission
• People using my cutlery (which is in a cupboard) without my permission and not washing it or putting it back to its place
• People from the other kitchen leaving their shit in the kitchen I use creating unnecessary discomfort
• People leaving their shit everywhere in the kitchen, creating a mess
• People not cleaning after partying
• People partying in the kitchen late at night when they know some rooms are underneath the kitchen and the noise is unbearable
• People being extremely rude when told off about their inappropriately loud partying on top of my room
• People drunk banging on my door at 4am causing me a great deal of anxiety
• People making noise in the middle of the night in the kitchen or slamming and banging things when they know people live underneath
• People not flashing the toilet
• People not cleaning their pubic hair off the toilet
• People leaving the baths in a disgusting state
• People playing extremely loud music or watching movies at 3am, causing my whole room to tremble and ofc causing me not to sleep
• People leaving their shit in communal spaces and never picking it up
• People from past years leaving their shit all over the kitchen forcing me to have to clean and organise three cupboards to be able to have some space
• People hoarding massively in the kitchen
• People not throwing away things that have expired and are in communal spaces
• People making no effort to keep the kitchen clean, that so many times me and a couple of other housemates had to clean loads of disgusting dishes

On top of that I had to tolerate a hateful cleaning staff who not only didn't clean properly, but was also extremely rude and many times didn't clean the showers or the bathtubs at all.

The building

As if all this wasn't enough, causing me an immense amount of stress I had to deal with the following as well:

• Cracks on the wall (that were painted over and not fixed)
• Continuous sink blockage for months (making the use of the sink impossible)
• Continuous boiler problems turning the kitchen -and my room that is underneath it- into a hotbox
• Power cuts and internet issues throughout the year
• Shower and bathtub problems (including blockage and a disgusting smell)
• Major pest issues (cockroaches, spiders, mice -and mice' dead bodies underneath the oven)
• Extremely sensitive heat detectors that go off even if you're blow drying your hair 
• Ventilator issues
• Problems with the lights

In addition to all these there was insufficient communication from the Accommodation office, many times ignoring the issues/our reports or alternatively aiming at temporary fixes.

The area

In case you didn't think all this is bad enough let me tell you a few things about the area:

• There are loud police and ambulance sirens every few minutes (which unfortunately I can hear in my room since it faces the main street)
• It's one of the most dangerous areas in London, having extremely high stabbing rates
• I get catcalled all the time, and many times catcallers become verbally violent
• The entrance of my Halls is on the dodgiest dark alley 
• Many times people pee outside or next to my Halls or in general on the streets
• There are fights around the area almost every night and especially during Thursdays and the weekends it's almost impossible for me to sleep with my window open (due to the screams, bottle smashing, fights, sirens etc)

There are a few good things about the area: many shops, pubs, takeaways, restaurants, clubs, parks etc. And I'm sure I would have been able to focus on those if I didn't live on this building.

To sum up...

Nevertheless, it's always hard to focus on the positive when the negative is so overwhelming.

Worst part of all?

I got to tolerate this shit for one more year. Yes, my financial situation doesn't allow me to live somewhere else for the time being, so I had to renew my contract...

Wish me luck.

Sincerely,

Lara

Random Thoughts XXXIV

One of the hardest things in life is to embrace your imperfections and admit to your weaknesses.

However, if you want to evolve as a person, if you want to attain happiness and reach inner peace, you have to be brave and challenge yourself.

The journey of life isn't an easy one. But it can become a lot more pleasant when someone loves and improves themselves.

Good luck to all of us.

2013

It seems that most people didn't have a good 2013.
But then again, I remember last year on this same date people saying they had an awful 2012. And this happens every year to be fair.

2013 for me . . . it was extreme. I had the best and the worst times.
Nevertheless I choose to focus on the best, and learn from the worst.
It was the first time since 2010 that I spend such a long time in my hometown, Athens, Greece.
At first it was so hard to adapt that I was severely depressed for a couple of months. Things got better when I visited London for holidays, but the moment I returned I got worse.
Then, when I thought there was no hope for me in Athens; when I had already decided I was gonna seclude myself and I was distancing myself from my friends, something happened.
Things changed.
I met new people, I reconciled with people I wasn't so close to and I came closer to my mates, I got a job and I started enjoying my summer.
I quit the job and I experienced some really bad behaviour from a couple of people, but I didn't pay attention or energy to that.
This summer was one of the best summers of my life. I can only compare it to the summer of 2008 which was the peak of my lifetime in Greece so far. 
However, I had to leave again, even though I had just started adapting and enjoying myself; even though I had so many people around me I didn't want to leave back -again.

People don't realise how hard it is to be the one that leaves. When I moved to another Greek city for two years -for my studies- it took me months to adapt. I was travelling back to Athens at least once a month on the first year and every week on the second year. I hated the people in that city and I didn't think the city had anything to offer me. I got bullied and mistreated all the time, and I didn't even like what I was studying so, I left. But then I had to leave the friends I made there behind.

When I left was when I decided to move to London -for studies. I left in 2010 and I think it's one of the hardest things I've done in my life. I was crying throughout the whole flight. Imagine I had just turned 21 and I moved to a foreign country without any help, without any friends there. I don't think my friends in Greece realise how much I missed -and miss- them at times when I'm in London. My first year in London I was very depressed and I didn't really enjoy myself that much. Thankfully things changed on my second and third year. I was lucky to make really good friends whom I consider family. 

When I returned to Athens I was missing my London family a lot. Many people have asked me: -But aren't you used to it by now? Missing people since you are in London for a couple of months and then in Athens for the rest of the year. 
No, it never gets old, you never get used to it. I miss everyone equally and constantly when I'm away from them.

So 2013... I returned to London once more for a masters degree. That night of September when I had to say goodbye to my crew in Athens I was ready to cry. Well, I was already crying inside. It's an awful thing to grow away from people you care for. You both go on with your lives and follow different paths. There's always that danger that your paths will never meet again even if you return. It has happened to me before and believe me, it's unbearable.
The first months after my return in London have been a roller coaster: accommodation problems, struggling with my masters, trying to adapt once again, partying, crying, depression, drama, reunion of the family...

I have no clue what 2014 is gonna bring me. I'm hoping a masters certificate and health first and foremost. 
But I don't even remember why I started writing this :P
Anyhow I wish for all of us to be healthy, happy, and learn how to focus on the positive things in our lives.

To all my mates in every fucking country they might be right now:

Be extreme and don't give two shits. Love yourselves and take care!

Rave on! :D