Random Thoughts LXVIII

Feeling quite blue today...

I don't know, it seems that every time I take a few steps forward towards improving my life -and my health- something happens that pushes me back.

It took such a long time -due to my ill health- to finish my masters degree. After struggling and fighting for so long, I made it.
Then, I managed to find a place to live and I got myself a job. Isn't that what adults are supposed to do anyways?
The housing situation especially affected my health -severely. The job was fine -most of the time- even though I was underpaid.
But in the end, all sorts of horrific things came to my life at the same time -as always timing is extremely fucked up in my life-, awaking some old buried phantoms of the past as well.

It's not easy to fight everything at once and all the time. And it's even harder when most people don't know your struggles and suffering and have certain expectations from you, or misconceptions of you.

Which is why this past year I decided to drop the weight of others' expectations completely. For once in my life I am being selfish.

I've tried to do that many times in the past, but I had failed.

This time, I had no other choice. My survival instincts kicked in and I prioritised myself.
Because I had to.

Six Months

Six months of repression
Suppression,  no measure of prevention

Illness, stillness, subversion
No chance of recuperation 

Physical oppression
No escaping deterioration

Inertia, exertion
No hope for restoration