The big 3.

Every year, just before or after my birthday, I write a post reflecting on the past, being mostly negative about the future and generally expressing my fear of time.

This year is no exception, especially since this is an important year; It's the year I turn 30.

-So what? someone may ask.

Well, the big 3 means I'm not only changing decade, but I'm entering the adult world.
Being in my 20s isn't going to be an excuse good enough to justify not getting my shit together. I'm not a teenager anymore, nor am I in my post teen years.
30 signifies the death of my inner child, and even though that sounds grim, I find it to be true.  The inner child needs protection, is codependent, and knows that they have a 'security blanket' at all times. The inner child is innocent, playful and carefree. And even though I could try to hold on to whatever innocence I have left, none of the rest can be part of adult me, if I want to survive.

And that is scary as fuck.
It's like bungee jumping, but not knowing if the rope will hold your weight or break. So, even though 'growing up' is something I know and recognise I have to do, I'm terrified.

That fear had been so intense it had paralysed me. Thankfully, I've done a lot of work on myself in the past two years, so I'm somewhat coping, but still, the fear is there.

The fact that me turning 30 coincides with returning to England, re-starting my life once again (with my partner this time), and getting a full time job irrelevant to any of my studies or interests, shows the next chapter has arrived.

Hopefully, as the pages turn, fear will dissolve and maybe a more positive emotion -followed by a more positive outcome- will come after it.

Wish me luck y'all, I'll definitely need it.

XoXo,
Lara  

Bitter, Petty and Jealous

People who are younger than me are on their way of becoming billionaires, some others already hold PHDs, many have successful careers and hold fulfilling jobs, some are getting recognition in the arts...

And here I am stuck in my bed, doing nothing due to my health situation. I've mentioned this on a previous post of mine: Throughout my life I have suffered from poor health, and that has prevented me from doing a lot of things, leaving me stuck in inertia.

One could argue that if I wanted to do stuff my health should be irrelevant. There are people who are literally dying and are still active.
True, but those people are not me.

I'm not one of those hero-fighter types who never give up and persevere. I admire them, but I'm not one of them.
When my life is shit and my health is shit I can't gather the strength to do anything. I just want to give up. And I do.
Then, one may say, I should not complain.

Well, fuck it. This is my blog and I do what I want. So, if I want to complain and be bitter, petty and jealous, I will. Because this is the only place and the only space I allow myself to do so, and it's acceptable for me to do so.
I hold myself to unrealistic standards of perfectionism in my social, private, public and work life.
So, please, let me have this space to be able to express things that I would never dare to otherwise.

Jealousy.
It's a very very annoying feeling. Especially when you're a nice person. Because the feeling of being jealous makes you feel guilty. You question your integrity as a person. You question your morals. "Why am I not happy with my friends' happiness and success? Why am I so angry?"
It's something I've felt too many times, and it can crush you. You smile, you congratulate people, you pretend you're so excited they're doing well, whilst you're burning with anger and jealousy inside. "Why can't I be happy and successful too?" you wonder.

How am I supposed to be happy for other people when I'm not happy with my own life? How can I not be jealous and get angry when I look around and I see many people with a lot less qualifications, less intelligent, less talented, unkind and without morals succeed in life?
People make millions for being on reality tv or exploiting others or tricking the masses, people are famous for being famous or for doing crazy shit...
I'm not saying every successful person out there is undeserving of their success.
But some achieved it due to good connections, coming from wealthy families, or having no morals.

And you know what? Sometimes I wish I was like that. I wish things could come to me easily, without constant suffering. Sometimes I wish I was like them: either a rich spoiled brat, an immoral shark, or a social butterfly.
But I'm not. And I could never be.

Which makes me bitter towards and jealous of other people's success a lot of the time. Of course I keep that to myself and never let it manifest in public.

I'm a human, and when I'm unhappy and my life isn't fulfilling and my health is poor: I can't be happy for other people. I'll pretend to be, as I'd never want to compromise another's happiness, but I'll be jealous and bitter inside. And that is something I cannot change.