My hair. –Allow me to be sad–

 Today, something I dreaded happened. I had to have my hair cut short, very short. Ear length.

Now, I know that may not sound negative or of importance to you, but it for sure has been devastating to me.
Yesterday, I woke up with two terrible hair knots on each side of my head, and despite managing to untangle one them (losing a terrifying amount of hair in the process), even after 5 hours of trying almost everything you can think of, I gave up on the second one. So, I booked an appointment with a hairdresser for the next day (today).

"Kim, there's people that are dying" is a phrase that was turned into a meme, when Kim Kardashian was crying for losing her diamond earring into the ocean –it was found in the end. I'm not saying my hair is worth as much as a diamond earring, after all, it wasn't extracted from the earth using the exploitation of underprivileged humans, spreading false propaganda of rarity of said material to produce an overpriced product. What I am saying though, is that I know there's more important things than hairs, or my hair. Global warming, modern slavery, war, famine, poverty, social issues, terminal disease, heartbreak etc. etc. ... Hell, I myself suffer from things that are considered more severe than having to cut one's hair short.
Having said that, my feelings aren't any different. It is a loss, a loss I'm mourning for. I'm sad, and I feel shitty. To me, having longer hair was a choice I didn't take lightly. It's not easy to manage long curly hair, and I have cursed in frustration times aplenty, spending hours untangling it. The shortest I had ever gone was shoulder length, even when I had parts of my head shaved. Having longer hair made me feel feminine, playful, free; it allowed me to try different hairstyles, and it had become part of my identity. As a plus size woman (bbw, fat or however you want to call it) I felt that long hair framed my face better and complimented my figure. Moreover, being neurodivergent, when I felt overwhelmed –which is very often– I could always hide behind my hair.

As I mentioned on my Instagram story: I recognise that since I'm sharing things publicly, that can be misconstrued as an invitation for others to chime in with their two cents regarding my situation.
It is not an invitation.
The way being forced to have short hair makes me feel is not negotiable and it is not to be diminished because "there's worse happening in the world." I am painfully aware of the fucked-up-ness that is going on in the world, but I don't see how prohibiting me from expressing –or feeling– my feelings is going to help with that. I did receive wonderful messages from people showing empathy towards my sorrow; I truly appreciate those. I also received messages from people judging my reaction or shoving toxic positivity down my throat. I did not appreciate those.
My feelings don't exist to be judged by you. No one is forcing you to follow my journey on any social media platform, you choose to do so by your own accord. You see the kind of person that I am: passionate, open, creative; I rant, I share my thoughts and feelings. I'm an artist, a mental health advocate, neurodivergent. If these things upset you, or make you feel uncomfortable, an unfollow is a click away. However, if you try to dictate how I should feel, how I should react to these things which hurt me –no matter how small they are (to you): I will not tolerate it.

There is a lot to be said about a society that won't allow people to experience sadness even momentarily; a society always trying to distract us from feeling deeply, thinking deeply, and in general, a society emerged in superficial distractions, but this article was supposed to be about my hair. Or was it? 

Random Thoughts LXVII

I always feel like I'm getting more and more tired of life.
But then I look back on my posts and I see that I've been equally tired since a long time ago.
It just feels like it's all new or more intense, when it isn't.

I wonder, how flawed can my perception be in other matters?

For example, I already have an issue with my perception of time, and certain events. I sometimes even struggle to separate reality from fantasy.

But I've noticed that that happens to other people as well. Many of those people I know and/or love. Interestingly enough, most of them don't realise.

What if we all do it one way or another, having a flawed perception, one that cannot always be objective, distinguish reality, or follow linear concepts, but we aren't aware of it?
What does that mean for the world? The way it operates, the way societies form, and even more importantly, the way we seek and perceive the truth?

Damn, that escalated quickly to a philosophical debate -or maybe to a mere philosophical question...

Don't fall into the illusion

Always remember: Don't base your self image on what you see online and on the media. Those images are edited, hence not real. Also, many of the people on those images have spend thousands, if not millions, on looking the way they are. Breast implants/lifts, nose jobs, cheek fillers, chin fillers, lip fillers, fat transfers, butt lifts, ab implants, ass implants, botox, etc... Which is fine, no judgment at all, but it means they weren't born looking 'perfect.' So don't feel bad for not looking like them. They also have teams of people to make them look good. Nutritionists, personal trainers, stylists, hair stylists, makeup artists etc. If you're the average person you cannot compete with that, nor should you try to. Don't waste your time and money into chasing the illusion. Do what you want to do, for you. Don't try to look like anybody else. Fuck what society tells you. Fuck what society shows you. Fuck those who try to force their validation upon you.
Peace.

Random Thoughts XXXXXIII

The world we live in has been designed to push the ones with no morals and no inhibitions forward and to hold the shy, the kind and the ones we care for others back.

If you're socially awkward, if you don't know how to climb socially, how to manipulate others; if you can't flaunt your talents, or fake them; if you don't like stepping on others; if you're kind, have a good soul and don't want to hurt others, then you're going nowhere in life.

Everyone says you need to hustle nowadays to move forward.
But what is hustling?
Isn't it to do anything you can to make money, regardless of any ethical implications?

So, to be successful in this day and age, to be a hustler, you kinda have to be an asshole.

That's what society is rewarding, unethical and immoral behaviour.

Funny fat girls

I see a lot of fellow fat ladies thinking they have to be funny; they have to perform all the time to blend in. And so they force themselves to do so. It seems there is this notion that since we're fat, our only option to be attractive in any way is to be funny. Nope. You don't have to feel the need to 'perform' and be 'funny' because of your weight. You are a valuable, and sexy and attractive person regardless.

There is no need to feed into a stereotype "she's not hot, but she's funny." You can be fat and hot, and if you're funny that's great as well, but you don't have to force yourself to make jokes and entertain people. And for the love of me, you don't have to make fat jokes aimed at yourself to show people you're funny; to prove you can 'fit in.' I've seen many times fat gals making fun of themselves, to the point where I wanted to cry at all the mean things there were saying. You don't have to make fun of yourselves to be cool. You don't have to use horrible and traumatising language aimed at yourself to be accepted. And if the people around you make you feel like you have to do those things, then you need to kick those people out of your life. Lastly, please, don't let movies be your example about how you should dress and behave as a fat person. Media's portrayal of fat people is inaccurate and harmful. They play into toxic cliches and stereotypes that either ostracise fat people or don't give them space to be themselves to exist in society.

"Never Change"

"Never change"

I've heard this from many different people. Especially from people I've met for a brief period of time and we knew that we'd never see each other again.

Some people have applauded my kindness, generosity and empathy.
They insisted I need to always be myself and continue the legacy of good deeds I have started.

But recently I have had a change of mind.
For a long time I believed in prioritising others no matter how much it hurt my life.
Thankfully, a few years ago I realised that that was wrong and it made my life really hard. So then, I needed to decide which people deserved me prioritising them and to what extend. This has been a very hard process. Unfortunately it left me with a bitter aftertaste when I asked the question: "Would they do the same thing for you?" and more than often the response was "No."

All those years I have helped numerous people. With important and unimportant stuff. During hard and easier periods of my life. I had gone above and beyond to help certain people.
Very rarely did I hear "Thank you" from those people. Very rarely was there any type of reward, any type of gratitude or recognition, any type of "returning the favour." Now I know what you'll all think. When you help someone you don't do it to get something back. Some of you may even say that karma, the universe, god or whatever will return the favour to you. I don't believe in karma or god, and I've seen for myself that giving, transmitting positive energy and all that, doesn't come back to you. That's all bullshit told so people don't lose hope and jump off a cliff.
Life is unfair. Evil people succeed. Those without morals are at the top of the pyramid, and the rest of us are financial slaves, struggling to survive.

I have come to the conclusion that humans are inherently evil and immoral. But then, if that is the norm, wouldn't being evil and immoral be moral? Maybe. I'm no philosopher, nor do I want to be one, so that's something for you to argue and figure out.
But my personal opinion is that humans like to be superior than their fellow humans. They love controlling others and even have sadistic tendencies.

Also, humans are creatures of habit. If you're nice to them, they get used to it. Then they take it for granted and don't appreciate it. Whereas if you're always bad to them and you're nice once in a blue moon, they appreciate it more. Yes, the human brain is distorted. Or maybe it isn't.

For a long time I have also being doing "the right thing" even when it actually hurts me personally. But I always considered the greater good or being ethical more important than my personal gain, comfort etc. Did anything good come to me out of that ethical behaviour? No. Nothing at all.

I look around me and I see talentless people, people with no real passion, being billionaires -or trillionaires. And I see geniuses, artists, people with a vision, struggling to survive.

Now, I am an artist, I used to have a vision, and I'm inherently good. My instinct is to do good. However, I can't be successful if I continue to be the way I am. Because in the capitalist world we live in, kindness and goodness are never rewarded. Visions, unless they bring financial profit, aren't appreciated. Artistry, unless it brings financial profit, isn't appreciated.

I want to be a successful person. I have lived my life as a poor person, and I can assure you it ain't fun. It's not fun to always have to think about money. It's not fun when you can't even afford to go to the doctor, let alone go clothes shopping or enjoy any luxury. It's not fun to work your ass off and not get paid for your work, whereas your employer makes shitloads of money off your work (and still underpays you).

And here comes the dilemma: Do I change, do I become evil to seek success or do I continue to suffer in poverty?

I can't be evil. That is just the way I am. I can be vicious if someone treats me unfairly though. I can be vengeful. And society has treated me very poorly. So over the past couple of years I have started changing. Very slowly, but I am changing. That's what society does to you. That's what capitalism does to you. That's what other humans do to you.

In a world where everything is about money, where kindness and goodness aren't appreciated and sometimes are even looked down upon, your only option is to toughen up and play the game.
Because the game isn't going to change anytime soon. So it's either becoming part of the problem to ensure a comfortable survival or living a miserable life holding on to your hope that this world is going to change.

And I... I actually have zero hope.

Greek society - Murder

A morbid yet unfortunately representative example of Greek society (especially smaller towns and islands):

A 37 year old woman, mother of three children was murdered by her husband.
He was planning the crime for a long time, hence why he made certain changes to his farm (moving big rocks etc) to accommodate the body.
Reportedly, the woman started taking kickboxing lessons two years ago (maybe because she was suspicious or already receiving physical abuse?).
She had told her close friends she felt trapped in her marriage and wanted to divorce her husband and move to another city with her children. Apparently he was the jealous type, and one night when he thought that his wife received text from an ex he strangled her. She actually had a broken leg so she couldn't really fight back. He lied to the children, her parents and the police until the end. When the police found the body buried in his farm he started running for it. The police think there is a possibility her father in law helped his son hide the body.

That is Greek society. Trapping women in harmful relationships that result in their death (either physical or emotional). Because even if this woman survived she would still not feel she had anyone in her environment who could save her or help her escape from her husband. And the husband brainwashed from patriarchy, he felt entitled to kill her.

How scary is that. Someone thinking they have the right to take your life because you no longer want to be with them.

I find it extremely hypocritical that the locals are so shocked, talking about how unfair the murder was.
You are the ones perpetuating misogyny, believing females should be in the kitchen raising the kids, taking care of the house...
You are the ones telling women to put up with abuse and domestic violence.
Yet, you pretend to be saddened by the death of this woman. Guess what. You have her blood on your hands as well.
For every murder, for every suicide, for every rape, for every street harassment, for every inequality...
You Greek society. You and your anachronistic hypocritical conservatism are to blame.

So, fuck you.

Females of the world

To any person who identifies as female:

-You do NOT need to get "dolled up" to be sexy, beautiful, attractive.

This phrase, "dolled up", is extremely harmful in my eyes.
Not only does it imply that you have to reach some unattainable standards of beauty (looking like a doll), but it also implies you are a doll, a toy and not a human being.
And by no means are you less of a woman if you don't get "dolled up".

-You do NOT need to fake being confident to attract anyone. It would be good to be confident for you, not for someone else. Because when you're confident you embrace your being and you feel comfortable in your own skin.

-You do NOT have to feel antagonistic towards other females. You do NOT need to be "prettier", "sexier" etc as this male dominated society forces you to believe. Plus prettiness and sexiness can be translated in different ways. Just be you and don't stress about how other people look like.

-You do NOT have to conform to that little box that patriarchy throws at you. You don't have to look a specific way, and you certainly don't have to try anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.You do NOT need to lose/gain weight, go under the knife, get botox/injections etc... You can if you want, but please do it for you not due to society's pressure on you. 

-Your femininity and how you express it is your business solely and no one has the right to dictate how it is manifested.

-You only need to do what you want to do for YOU!