Random Thoughts LXXXIII

Depression is 

forcing yourself to take a shower; yet, lacking the energy to lift the shower head to wash yourself. You stare at it crying, the overwhelming existential fatigue making even the smallest movement feel akin to climbing a mountain.

Anxiety is 

a relentless assault on your mind, dissecting and scrutinizing every perceived ‘flaw’ and imperfection within yourself and your life. You can’t stop falling down the rabbit hole of negative thoughts. Your body becomes a vessel of suffering.

Angry & Tired

I've been very angry lately.

Angry and tired.

Angry because I see so much unfairness around me. People benefit from others' sadness and exploitation. And they don't even care.
They don't give a fuck.

And tired because I am one of those who care.
I am one of those who do give a fuck.
And so, I suffer.

I suffer due to my own issues (which I'm not going to refer to on this post, as they're way too many), but I also suffer due to others' issues and how the unfairness of this world is affecting them.

I'm also tired of how unfairness influences my life, my health, my career, my relationships.

Many people say money can't bring you happiness. Well, what it can bring you is very close to that: power. And power gives you the opportunity to say 'fuck all' and do as you please, live as you please, freed from the restrictions and limitations of a 'normal/average' life.

Rant: Needs & Wants

All my life I've prioritised the needs and wants of the people I loved.

That has caused me much grief and misery over the years. But I thought I had to do the 'right' thing, to be the bigger person. Even when it'd cause me to suffer.

Recently, for once, I asked a person I love to consider my needs and wants before theirs.

It didn't happen. Once again, my needs and wants were ignored.

So, I'm angry. I'm infuriated. I'm enraged.

And you know what? Fuck them.

Fuck every person who has been inconsiderate to me when I've always tried to be there for them, when I've always done my best to give them what they want and make them happy.

Fuck that.

To deserve me at my best, you have to be able to handle me and support me at my worst. The same way I've supported you and handled your situations.

You can't have it all. You can't only want the positive and shy away from the negative moments of a person's life. A person you supposedly, a person you allegedly love.
Be it friendship, a love relationship, or even a child-parent relationship.

Random Thoughts XXXXXXIII

It fails me how life manages to get worse day by day.
Like, are things ever going to get even a tiny bit better, or at least remain the way they are, or should we expect to suffer more and more by the day?

If that's all that life is about, what's the fucking point?

One's reality is another's nightmare

Some of us have never experienced life without mental illness.

To only get to know the world and reality through the prism of mental illness is debilitating, painful and traumatising.

And to try to explain that to someone who has never suffered from mental illness is near to impossible.

Ignorance is bliss

The ones that possess intelligence and consciousness will always suffer.

Tormented by their realisations and thoughts, they will never be able to eliminate stress and despair from their lives.