Today, something I dreaded happened. I had to have my hair cut short, very short. Ear length.
Now, I know that may not sound negative or of importance to you, but it for sure has been devastating to me.Yesterday, I woke up with two terrible hair knots on each side of my head, and despite managing to untangle one them (losing a terrifying amount of hair in the process), even after 5 hours of trying almost everything you can think of, I gave up on the second one. So, I booked an appointment with a hairdresser for the next day (today).
"Kim, there's people that are dying" is a phrase that was turned into a meme, when Kim Kardashian was crying for losing her diamond earring into the ocean –it was found in the end. I'm not saying my hair is worth as much as a diamond earring, after all, it wasn't extracted from the earth using the exploitation of underprivileged humans, spreading false propaganda of rarity of said material to produce an overpriced product. What I am saying though, is that I know there's more important things than hairs, or my hair. Global warming, modern slavery, war, famine, poverty, social issues, terminal disease, heartbreak etc. etc. ... Hell, I myself suffer from things that are considered more severe than having to cut one's hair short.
Having said that, my feelings aren't any different. It is a loss, a loss I'm mourning for. I'm sad, and I feel shitty. To me, having longer hair was a choice I didn't take lightly. It's not easy to manage long curly hair, and I have cursed in frustration times aplenty, spending hours untangling it. The shortest I had ever gone was shoulder length, even when I had parts of my head shaved. Having longer hair made me feel feminine, playful, free; it allowed me to try different hairstyles, and it had become part of my identity. As a plus size woman (bbw, fat or however you want to call it) I felt that long hair framed my face better and complimented my figure. Moreover, being neurodivergent, when I felt overwhelmed –which is very often– I could always hide behind my hair.
As I mentioned on my Instagram story: I recognise that since I'm sharing things publicly, that can be misconstrued as an invitation for others to chime in with their two cents regarding my situation.
It is not an invitation.
The way being forced to have short hair makes me feel is not negotiable and it is not to be diminished because "there's worse happening in the world." I am painfully aware of the fucked-up-ness that is going on in the world, but I don't see how prohibiting me from expressing –or feeling– my feelings is going to help with that. I did receive wonderful messages from people showing empathy towards my sorrow; I truly appreciate those. I also received messages from people judging my reaction or shoving toxic positivity down my throat. I did not appreciate those.
My feelings don't exist to be judged by you. No one is forcing you to follow my journey on any social media platform, you choose to do so by your own accord. You see the kind of person that I am: passionate, open, creative; I rant, I share my thoughts and feelings. I'm an artist, a mental health advocate, neurodivergent. If these things upset you, or make you feel uncomfortable, an unfollow is a click away. However, if you try to dictate how I should feel, how I should react to these things which hurt me –no matter how small they are (to you): I will not tolerate it.
There is a lot to be said about a society that won't allow people to experience sadness even momentarily; a society always trying to distract us from feeling deeply, thinking deeply, and in general, a society emerged in superficial distractions, but this article was supposed to be about my hair. Or was it?
