The disparity of finding pleasure in aesthetics

Aesthetics. Or more specifically, the disparity of finding pleasure in aesthetics.

Do we have to abide by the 'laws' of the aesthetics we find pleasing or are attracted to?
Or is it possible to entertain a certain aesthetic and celebrate only parts of it?

I personally find immense pleasure in certain aesthetics. I enjoy occult, gothic, witchy, dark, alternative, body modification, victorian and edo era aesthetics -among others.
However, even though I find visual -and sometimes auditory- pleasure in those aesthetics, I may not always identify with the ideology, beliefs and faith associated with them.

After all, I can entertain parts of the aesthetics that intrigue me, without necessarily having to embrace the whole aesthetic. 

For instance, even though I'm extremely interested in witchcraft and the witchy aesthetic, I do not believe in magick and its manifestation. I may even attempt to practice witchcraft to experience or to achieve a better understanding of it. Nevertheless, I do not have faith in it.

Does the fact that I am attracted to occult symbols mean they have to mean something to me, or that I have to believe in what they stand for? Or am I allowed to give them my own meanings, or even enjoy them as images deprived of any meaning?

I have tattoos of occult symbols and plan to get a few occult and witchcraft themed tattoos as well. To me they mean a lot on a personal level, and especially as symbols of femininity and feminism. But not as much as symbols of magick and witchcraft.

Does that make me a hypocrite because I'm not a believer, because I don't have faith in magick?

Many would say yes. And that's fine.

But to me, having a specific interest doesn't demand faith. 

If Lemmy (the late lead singer of Motorhead) could collect Nazi memorabilia without being considered a Nazi or a fascist, if he was allowed to have an interested without having to be associated with its ideology, why can't I do the same?

And I think I can. Whether it's witchcraft, gothic aesthetics, the edo era or anything else, as long as I am respectful and have an understanding of the aesthetic, its history and what it entails, I believe I'm far from being a hypocrite. 

(image source:https://weheartit.com/entry/165358841)

"Never Change"

"Never change"

I've heard this from many different people. Especially from people I've met for a brief period of time and we knew that we'd never see each other again.

Some people have applauded my kindness, generosity and empathy.
They insisted I need to always be myself and continue the legacy of good deeds I have started.

But recently I have had a change of mind.
For a long time I believed in prioritising others no matter how much it hurt my life.
Thankfully, a few years ago I realised that that was wrong and it made my life really hard. So then, I needed to decide which people deserved me prioritising them and to what extend. This has been a very hard process. Unfortunately it left me with a bitter aftertaste when I asked the question: "Would they do the same thing for you?" and more than often the response was "No."

All those years I have helped numerous people. With important and unimportant stuff. During hard and easier periods of my life. I had gone above and beyond to help certain people.
Very rarely did I hear "Thank you" from those people. Very rarely was there any type of reward, any type of gratitude or recognition, any type of "returning the favour." Now I know what you'll all think. When you help someone you don't do it to get something back. Some of you may even say that karma, the universe, god or whatever will return the favour to you. I don't believe in karma or god, and I've seen for myself that giving, transmitting positive energy and all that, doesn't come back to you. That's all bullshit told so people don't lose hope and jump off a cliff.
Life is unfair. Evil people succeed. Those without morals are at the top of the pyramid, and the rest of us are financial slaves, struggling to survive.

I have come to the conclusion that humans are inherently evil and immoral. But then, if that is the norm, wouldn't being evil and immoral be moral? Maybe. I'm no philosopher, nor do I want to be one, so that's something for you to argue and figure out.
But my personal opinion is that humans like to be superior than their fellow humans. They love controlling others and even have sadistic tendencies.

Also, humans are creatures of habit. If you're nice to them, they get used to it. Then they take it for granted and don't appreciate it. Whereas if you're always bad to them and you're nice once in a blue moon, they appreciate it more. Yes, the human brain is distorted. Or maybe it isn't.

For a long time I have also being doing "the right thing" even when it actually hurts me personally. But I always considered the greater good or being ethical more important than my personal gain, comfort etc. Did anything good come to me out of that ethical behaviour? No. Nothing at all.

I look around me and I see talentless people, people with no real passion, being billionaires -or trillionaires. And I see geniuses, artists, people with a vision, struggling to survive.

Now, I am an artist, I used to have a vision, and I'm inherently good. My instinct is to do good. However, I can't be successful if I continue to be the way I am. Because in the capitalist world we live in, kindness and goodness are never rewarded. Visions, unless they bring financial profit, aren't appreciated. Artistry, unless it brings financial profit, isn't appreciated.

I want to be a successful person. I have lived my life as a poor person, and I can assure you it ain't fun. It's not fun to always have to think about money. It's not fun when you can't even afford to go to the doctor, let alone go clothes shopping or enjoy any luxury. It's not fun to work your ass off and not get paid for your work, whereas your employer makes shitloads of money off your work (and still underpays you).

And here comes the dilemma: Do I change, do I become evil to seek success or do I continue to suffer in poverty?

I can't be evil. That is just the way I am. I can be vicious if someone treats me unfairly though. I can be vengeful. And society has treated me very poorly. So over the past couple of years I have started changing. Very slowly, but I am changing. That's what society does to you. That's what capitalism does to you. That's what other humans do to you.

In a world where everything is about money, where kindness and goodness aren't appreciated and sometimes are even looked down upon, your only option is to toughen up and play the game.
Because the game isn't going to change anytime soon. So it's either becoming part of the problem to ensure a comfortable survival or living a miserable life holding on to your hope that this world is going to change.

And I... I actually have zero hope.

Random Thoughts VIII

I'm so sorry. . .
I'm sorry I can't be what you want me to be.
I'm sorry I don't wanna be what you want me to be.
I'm sorry I can't even try to be how you want me to be.
I'm sorry I'm just me.

Freedom of choice!

Who gives parents the right to decide on their children’s beliefs and religion? NO ONE! Let your children grow up and do their own research before they choose. Let them choose for themselves!
Freedom of choice is a HUMAN RIGHT!

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No more brainwashing!
No more forced decisions!
We support FREEDOM!