Περιμένοντας το νυχτερινό τρόλεϊ στο Σύνταγμα

Το Σύνταγμα μετά τα μεσάνυχτα μεταλλάσσεται σε μία εναλλακτική καρικατούρα της πραγματικότητας.

Βλέπεις από μεσήλικες πλανόδιους μουσικούς με ροζ τούφες και σκουλαρίκια, μέχρι τρελλούς που επιτίθενται κατά συρροή σε ταρίφες ή συνδιαλέγονται με το κενό, στυλάτους άστεγους, και μέσα σ'όλα αυτά τουρίστες που δεν έχουν ιδέα τι γίνεται γύρω τους.
Κι έτσι όπως παρατηρείς το αλλόκοτο σκηνικό που ξετυλίγεται γύρω σου, κάνεις φιλίες και χαβαλέ με άλλους παρατηρητές της νύχτας.

υγ. Ποιητική αηδία.

Απαγορεύονται τα ταττουάζ στον 'οίκο' του θεού

Τρου στόρι:

Εκεί που περιμένω να μπω στην εκκλησία για το μνημόσυνο της γιαγιάς μου, με πιάνει μία άγνωστη γιαγιά από το χέρι.
-Αυτό το απαγορεύει η θρησκεία μας, λέει δείχνοντας το μανίκι ταττού μου.
-Η θρησκεία σας μπορεί να το απαγορεύει.
-Το απαγορεύει η θρησκεία μας!
-Η δική σας μπορεί να το απαγορεύει.
-Μα είσαι στην εκκλησία, άρα τι λες;
-Δεν έχω έρθει στη λειτουργία, στο μνημόσυνο της γιαγιάς μου ήρθα.
-Το είπα επειδή η θρησκεία μας το απαγορεύει και το είδα. Ο Χρηστός...
(εκεί σταμάτησα να παρακολουθώ)
-Το θεωρώ μεγάλη αγένεια να πιάνετε μία άγνωστη και να της λέτε κάτι τέτοιο. Εγώ ποτέ δε θα το έκανα αυτό. Δεν είναι σωστό.
-Ξέρεις, και μένα έχει τέτοιο η εγγόνα μου.
(μένω μαλάκας)
-Εχμ, τι να πω. Νά'στε καλά...
-Κι εσύ παιδάκι μου.

...

Random Thoughts LXXIV

Why are we so desperately and hopelessly attracted to dark personalities and emotionally damaged people?
Why do we find someone's inner perversions, and darkness so charming?

Εξωφρενικό γεγονός με ασυνείδητο ιδιοκτήτη σκύλου

Πριν κάποιες μέρες, όπως οδηγούσε η μητέρα μου κοντά στην Αγία Βαρβάρα βλέπει έναν τύπο με ένα λύκο. Τον πήγαινε βόλτα και είχε ένα από αυτά τα λουριά που μπορείς να τα μακρύνεις με το πάτημα ενός κουμπιού. Ο τυπάς δεν κοίταγε καν τι έκανε το σκυλί και του είχε μακρύνει υπερβολικά το λουρί.

Η μητέρα μου παρατήρησε ότι κοντά τους, σε ένα παρκαρισμένο αυτοκίνητο υπήρχε μία γάτα από κάτω.

Ο σκύλος όρμησε στη γάτα και τη βούτηξε από το πόδι.
Η μητέρα μου σταμάτησε το αυτοκίνητο και πήγε να βοηθήσει το γατί.
Ο ιδιοκτήτης του σκύλου δεν προσπάθησε καν να τον τραβήξει, σε σημείο που ο σκύλος είχε πιάσει το γατί με τα δόντια και το κούναγε πέρα δώθε.

Ευτυχώς επενέβη η μητέρα μου, η οποία έξαλλη απείλησε τον ιδιοκτήτη ο οποίος θυμήθηκε να κοντύνει το λουρί του σκύλου μετά από όλα αυτά.

Το γατί λογικά σώθηκε μιας και με το που το άφησε ο σκύλος έφυγε τρέχοντας.

Η μητέρα μου θυμωμένη φώναζε του τύπου και τον στόλισε κανονικά, υπενθυμίζοντάς του ότι όταν έχεις μεγάλο σκυλί, και ειδικά τόσο άγριο, δεν επιτρέπεται να το κυκλοφορείς χωρίς φίμωτρο.

Αυτός ψέλλισε κάτι κι έφυγε γρήγορα γιατί εντωμεταξύ είχε σηκωθεί όλη η γειτονιά στο πόδι από τις φωνές της μάνας μου κι έκραζε τον τύπο.

Και θα ήθελα να πω τα εξείς:
Αν θες να έχεις σκύλο, και μάλιστα μεγάλο, έχεις και κάποιες ευθύνες.
Πρώτον, να μην τον κάνεις δολοφόνο.
Δεύτερον, να μην τον κυκλοφορείς χωρίς φίμωτρο (ειδικά αν είναι άγριος).
Τρίτον, να έχεις το νου σου συνεχώς όταν τον βγάζεις βόλτα.

Το σκυλί είναι σαν παιδί. Και δεν υπερβάλλω καθόλου. Αν δεν μπορείς να είσαι σωστός γονιός στο σκύλο σου, μην πάρεις σκύλο.

Fear of Death

Fear of death is something that has been torturing me since a very young age. It has been paralysing at times. Avoidance and inaction feels like freezing time after all. Not doing, inertia, gives you the false impression that you managed to pause life itself. 
But you didn't. 

Sometimes you may even consider inertia as 'not living.' And if you're not living, how could you ever die?
The safety not acting brings is very comforting. You make no right, you make no wrong, and you also don't progress. Because progressing means death. Doing brings you a step closer to death. 

I have been avoiding dealing with death for a very long time. The first time I had to face death was when family pets died. The first couple of times I was too young to understand what death meant. Then, I realised death is loss. Death is not ever seeing someone or something again, never experiencing life with them again, never experiencing what you love about them again.

When I was ten, my mum's mother, my grandma, passed away. She was 96 and bed bound for the last eight years of her life. She died in her sleep, on an armchair in the living room, as I was playing with my toys in the same room. They told me she died in her own bedroom a few minutes later. I recently was told by a cousin that she actually died in front of me. I still cannot digest that. I have no recollection of it. At the time, I didn't really deal with her death. I wasn't even allowed at her funeral. It wasn't until years later that I actually managed to come to terms with her passing.

The following years I heard about a few of my parents' relatives and acquaintances passing away. Most of the time I didn't even know them in person, so even though I might have felt a bit shaken, I was able to move on without paying attention. The very few times someone I actually knew passed away I didn't really think about it. I was sad and even devastated when I heard about it, but the next day it was as if the bad news had disappeared from my thoughts. Even when I went to someone's funeral, I tried to treat it like a bad dream. It wasn't real to me. It wasn't that I didn't care about those people, it was that I didn't have the mental capacity to deal with loss. I didn't know how to mourn and move on. 

One day before I turned 21, our dog, Lulu, had to be put down. She had multiple types of cancer and she was suffering. She was 15 years old. I had to tell her goodbye, so I spent some time with her, telling her how much I loved her, how much she meant to me. We had her since I was six. I couldn't stop crying. After the vet put her down I didn't stop crying for a week. I couldn't eat, I couldn't speak. I was a mess. Up to this day I feel like she's going to come to the kitchen sometimes and give us her googly eyes to get food. 

I took an oath to never have a dog or any other pet after that. I didn't have the strength to live with their loss. 

In the past five years I keep on hearing about death. In my personal circles and in the world. Terrorism, mass murders, suicides, old age, diseases etc. And I block it. I desperately attempt to never think about it. Many times I fail though. And those times it's tremendously hard to get on with life. 

After the loss of a close family friend a few months ago, then my grandma’s and more recently a family member’s miscarriage I have been thinking about death constantly.

We recently visited our family friend's widow. She was a shadow of her once cheerful self. There was a sadness in her eyes, a surrender. She's 56 years old, relatively young. Still, you could tell she didn't know how to keep on living. She had been married to her husband since she was 17 years old. She only knew how to live as his wife. She had never experienced adult life without him. Luckily, she became grandmother a few months prior to her husband's passing. From our conversation I realised her grandchild is what is keeping her alive. The night after our visit I found it hard to sleep. I couldn't shake her image from my head. The way she sat, how many times she almost burst into tears...

On the 23rd of July my dad's mother, my other grandma, passed away at 102. She died in her sleep on her bed, surrounded by her children and children in law. I hadn't seen her much in the past ten years, only a couple of times a year -if so-, since I lived in England. The last 2 years she couldn't communicate and didn't know what was going on most of the time. The only time I cried was when during her funeral, one of the children she saved as a nurse spoke about her life. I still haven't mourned her loss. Maybe because I didn't spend as much time with her. The funeral was quite hard, especially since my aunt decided she wanted an open casket. She looked quite peaceful, as if she was asleep. However, when I touched her forehead to say goodbye, she was frozen. Then it hit me: That was her dead body. It was an empty vessel and my grandma wasn't in there anymore.

I haven't been able to sleep properly since her passing. My nightmares have gotten worse and my anxiety has hit the roof. I think with her death and what came after her death, I had to admit that life ends. I had to face that life is short and when the end comes, it's the end. 

Please don't respond with your religious beliefs about the afterlife; they're irrelevant to me. And unnecessary at this point. I personally believe death brings the end. You're gone. Nothingness.
And that will be forever hard to handle.

Two days ago I was informed that a relative of mine -who has been trying to get pregnant since April- had a miscarriage. It was very early stages of the pregnancy, but she was still broken. I didn't speak with her much as we're trying to give the couple privacy. Nevertheless, I could feel her pain for the loss of a future child. The loss of her hopes that she would be a mother. Her and her husband are mourning at the moment. 

It has been a very tough summer. The warmth of the weather collides with the deaths in my immediate circles, only highlighting the antithesis.
Quite mentally drained at the moment, I'm hopelessly searching for a healthy strategy on coming to terms with loss, with death.
I have a very long way to go, and I'm unsure I'll ever manage it. 

~

ps. In reading this, I hope you find comfort in the fact that you are not alone. We all come across death and loss in life. It's one of the few things that we all have in common, a few things that can unite us.
ps2. Part of a poem inspired by the events of this summer.