Random Thoughts XXXXII

That moment came when I realised I've lived most of my life in despair.

Despair because -secretly- I always knew there was no hope.

Vanity.

The machine

So I was thinking the other day about the machine.
The machine being capitalism, combined with patriarchy, consumerism, and all those negative schools of thought that make the world we live in extremely uncomfortable for me.

But then I had an epiphany. We created the machine. We have created all those things that make this world be significantly shitty.
We, human race, created capitalism for example. And even though it was created with good (?) intentions it became corrupt, and evolved into a monster. 
And that monster took control.

The system is in control of the majority of people on this planet. Very few chose to obey the system because it benefits them or because they're scared. The rest are controlled. Mindless little sheep without consciousness, intellectual zombies. 

So, the machine has taken control. Since the system is part of the machine and it keeps it going. 

We created something to better our lives (supposedly) and we managed somehow to give it its own consciousness and power, which in the end resulted in us being under control.

It's ridiculous. 

However, the power of the machine is tremendous at this point. To the extend where it's extremely hard to escape being part of the machine. But then again, if you succumb to the machine and play by its rules, whilst trying to deceive the zombies that are controlled by the machine, you can be extremely successful. 

Of course that means you have no morals. But maybe you do, since morals are subjective. 

Who cares? When your survival is on the line, you do you. 

Or not? 

The eternal dilemma. You or the world? What matters the most?

Personal against global.

If I started studying philosophy maybe I'd have had an answer to my internal battle already. Maybe not.

Well, I just woke up so that's enough thinking for now. 

Good morning.

"Never Change"

"Never change"

I've heard this from many different people. Especially from people I've met for a brief period of time and we knew that we'd never see each other again.

Some people have applauded my kindness, generosity and empathy.
They insisted I need to always be myself and continue the legacy of good deeds I have started.

But recently I have had a change of mind.
For a long time I believed in prioritising others no matter how much it hurt my life.
Thankfully, a few years ago I realised that that was wrong and it made my life really hard. So then, I needed to decide which people deserved me prioritising them and to what extend. This has been a very hard process. Unfortunately it left me with a bitter aftertaste when I asked the question: "Would they do the same thing for you?" and more than often the response was "No."

All those years I have helped numerous people. With important and unimportant stuff. During hard and easier periods of my life. I had gone above and beyond to help certain people.
Very rarely did I hear "Thank you" from those people. Very rarely was there any type of reward, any type of gratitude or recognition, any type of "returning the favour." Now I know what you'll all think. When you help someone you don't do it to get something back. Some of you may even say that karma, the universe, god or whatever will return the favour to you. I don't believe in karma or god, and I've seen for myself that giving, transmitting positive energy and all that, doesn't come back to you. That's all bullshit told so people don't lose hope and jump off a cliff.
Life is unfair. Evil people succeed. Those without morals are at the top of the pyramid, and the rest of us are financial slaves, struggling to survive.

I have come to the conclusion that humans are inherently evil and immoral. But then, if that is the norm, wouldn't being evil and immoral be moral? Maybe. I'm no philosopher, nor do I want to be one, so that's something for you to argue and figure out.
But my personal opinion is that humans like to be superior than their fellow humans. They love controlling others and even have sadistic tendencies.

Also, humans are creatures of habit. If you're nice to them, they get used to it. Then they take it for granted and don't appreciate it. Whereas if you're always bad to them and you're nice once in a blue moon, they appreciate it more. Yes, the human brain is distorted. Or maybe it isn't.

For a long time I have also being doing "the right thing" even when it actually hurts me personally. But I always considered the greater good or being ethical more important than my personal gain, comfort etc. Did anything good come to me out of that ethical behaviour? No. Nothing at all.

I look around me and I see talentless people, people with no real passion, being billionaires -or trillionaires. And I see geniuses, artists, people with a vision, struggling to survive.

Now, I am an artist, I used to have a vision, and I'm inherently good. My instinct is to do good. However, I can't be successful if I continue to be the way I am. Because in the capitalist world we live in, kindness and goodness are never rewarded. Visions, unless they bring financial profit, aren't appreciated. Artistry, unless it brings financial profit, isn't appreciated.

I want to be a successful person. I have lived my life as a poor person, and I can assure you it ain't fun. It's not fun to always have to think about money. It's not fun when you can't even afford to go to the doctor, let alone go clothes shopping or enjoy any luxury. It's not fun to work your ass off and not get paid for your work, whereas your employer makes shitloads of money off your work (and still underpays you).

And here comes the dilemma: Do I change, do I become evil to seek success or do I continue to suffer in poverty?

I can't be evil. That is just the way I am. I can be vicious if someone treats me unfairly though. I can be vengeful. And society has treated me very poorly. So over the past couple of years I have started changing. Very slowly, but I am changing. That's what society does to you. That's what capitalism does to you. That's what other humans do to you.

In a world where everything is about money, where kindness and goodness aren't appreciated and sometimes are even looked down upon, your only option is to toughen up and play the game.
Because the game isn't going to change anytime soon. So it's either becoming part of the problem to ensure a comfortable survival or living a miserable life holding on to your hope that this world is going to change.

And I... I actually have zero hope.

The People v. OJ Simpson

So I'm watching The People v. OJ Simpson.

I'm not American, I've never followed the story before, but ever since I started watching the series, I have actually researched the case.

I do believe Simpson was guilty as fuck.
But, LA PD was careless, they didn't follow procedure and the evidence didn't even reach the jury. They were starstruck at the beginning and made great mistakes due to that reason.
Simpson was also filthy rich, he hired an excellent team of lawyers, with different specialties and great connections. Would an innocent person need to hire 5-6 lawyers?
The jury was selected in a way that would favour Simpson as well.

I think LA PD was racist at the time, well hell, even today USA police is racist.
However, Simpson wasn't accused of double homicide due to his race. He was rich, he was a star. His race was irrelevant on this one.
Nevertheless, for black Americans he was a hero. A self made person, the American dream.
So as the tv show shows, they didn't want to believe that a person like Simpson was guilty. A case of denial.
And that denial ensured that Simpson wasn't found guilty. Even though he was.
A win towards racist LA PD, a loss towards justice.

For instance, Simpson was abusive to his ex-wife. The police knew, her family knew, their friends knew. But he was famous. So he got a pass.
Years later he committed more crimes (owed taxes, battery & burglary, speeding, pirating broadcast signals, criminal conspiracy, kidnapping, assault, robbery and using a deadly weapon). He was actually sentenced in the end. But if any other person -who wasn't famous- had committed all the crimes Simpson did, they'd have be treated very differently.

The housing horror chronicles - University Accommodation

It seems I'm pretty unlucky when it comes to accommodation in London (see my previous blogposts if you want to find out why).

However, these past 3 years it's been too much, even for me.
I'm usually pretty good at adjusting. For example, I lived in university halls in the middle of a forest for 3 academic years, and even though there were a couple of issues whilst living there it was alright.

I don't expect university accommodation to be a five star hotel, especially the cheaper end of it.
It's one thing for university halls of residence to not be a five star hotel, and another thing to be like a drug den of 1930s though.

So, let's see what happened straight after I moved in to -let's call it- A1 (in 2014). A1 is one of the university halls of residence of my university.
Basically I had to move in to A1 for 2 and a half months (that was the contract).
A1 was like a dream (appearance wise). The room was like a hotel and it was ensuite as well. The kitchen was big and the flatmates (only 6 of them) minded their own business, which was great.
There were a couple of incidents when I had my ice cream stolen -as most of my flatmates were stoners and they probably went for my ice cream on their search for munchies in the kitchen- but other than that, all was cool. Well, all apart from the wifi issues. In the 2 and a half months I was there at least 4 or 5 times there was no wifi. Sometimes for almost half a day. And that's a pretty big deal. Another issue was that the laundry rooms weren't on site and you had to go to a different place. Also, you couldn't do your laundry 24/7.

Anyway, 2 and a half months flew by and I had to move out. I made arrangements to move to A2, another residence of my university. The day of the move I was told I had to put all my stuff in a room that would be locked, and then a van would come, I would put my stuff on the van and they would take them to A2. I was told I wouldn't have to wait more than a couple of hours. I actually had to wait for more than 8 hours. I was told there would be no van for me because I was the last person to move. People started grabbing my things without my permission to put them in a trolley even though I told them I felt extremely uncomfortable and I wanted them to stop. I realised some of my cutlery was missing and my suitcase was broken. I told the person who was in charge. Not only was she dismissive, but she said they would move my stuff in a trolley. I told her I had been waiting for 8 hours for the van and that I didn't want the staff touching my staff and moving it in a trolley. I was ignored.

So I moved to A2, already feeling uncomfortable and violated.
My room was big, the ensuite toilet was huge, the flat had 5 rooms, but I was alone for the most part of it. I stayed there for 1 month and a half. I could see the high street and the entrance of the building and unfortunately I had to put up with extreme noise levels, drunk people and people urinating on our door. When I moved in the oven wasn't working. I complained. I had to wait for almost a week before they brought a small replacement oven. It took them another week or so to fix the oven. After 20 days of me being there people from summer school started moving in. Those people had all came from Asia. The university didn't give them any info or advice prior to their move. I had to help them settle in, complete their inventories, explain how things work etc. In some flats there was no water in the kitchens, in one flat the boiler was on fire, in other flats the boilers were uncovered, in some rooms there were problems with the showers... In general many many health hazards. There was no security on site and security personnel patrolled 4 -or less- times a day around the building. And of course, there were wifi issues. Later on after I moved out, I found out there were mice in the building as well... The only good thing about these halls was that you could do your laundry 24/7 because it was on site.

So, I returned to Greece for a couple of months and then I made arrangements to move in to A3. A3 is the cheapest hall of residence owned by my university. Mind you A1 and A2 are quite expensive and supposedly fancy.

I heard a few things about A3 prior to moving in. There were many incidents where rooms had been broken into, there was a mice problem... And in general, I had been actively discouraged from moving there. However, these were the only halls I could afford.

So, I move in. Before entering the building I was in awe of how disgusting it looked from the back (where the entrance was) and how unsafe the area and the alley it was on looked. The inside was worse than anything I had seen to date from any university halls. There were too many stairs (for no reason) and the way the stairs were built made it extremely hard to move my stuff in to my room. Also, the structure of the halls was just bizarre. You had a semi-floor with 3 rooms and a shower, then a floor with six rooms and a toilet, then another semi-floor with 3 rooms and a shower, another floor with 6 rooms and a toilet with a bath and lastly, the top floor with 2 rooms, the kitchens and a toilet with a bath. My room was quite small. Some other rooms in the flat were twice its size though. The minute I moved in I was welcomed with gossip about the flat, the fact that flatmates didn't get along and argued a lot, and the fact that there was a flatmate meeting on that night -which I attended. I'm not going to get too much into the drama, but it compromised my experience for sure. However, when you live with 20 people you can't expect no drama I suppose.
So... what were the issues in A3? Well...

• Our backyard, where the entrances of the building were, was also the backyard of all the shops of the high street. Which meant people who weren't students had access to the premises. 
• Security was usually sleeping in the security kiosk or watching tv series during the night. We lived on a very dangerous road so knowing that security wouldn't be able to help if something happened was scary. Actually, after a point security stopped being in the kiosk and was only patrolling 4 times a day, which meant that technically there was no security at all. The reason why? The security personnel felt lonely when they had to be in the kiosk compared to being at A2 where there are other security people too...
• We have had numerous issues with the wifi not working. Once for 2 weeks amidst dissertation period. 
• We had issues with cockroaches and mice. Issues that weren't permanently resolved.
• We had problems with sink blockage multiple times. To the point where it became a health hazard. 
• We had problems with heating a few times. And once we didn't have heating or hot water for a whole week. 
• We have had issues with electricity a few times.
• We have had numerous issues with hot water in the showers.
• We had very serious problems with the boiler. Once it actually made noises as if it was going to explode.
• The cleaning lady hated us all for no reason (we're one of the cleanest flats in the building). She was rude to us multiple times and never cleaned communal spaces properly. She also never reported any of the issues in the flat (eg. heating, hot water problems) which challenged our credibility with the office when we reported the issues. In the end she said we were her favourite flat (go figure).
• The repairmen many times had no clue what they were doing, as many of them aren't specialists, but general handymen.
• The Estate Facilities manager had attitude and was extremely rude to students, going as far as to hang up the phone on them and insult them.
• The office staff and especially the managers were extremely dismissive of students' concerns and sometimes were talking down on them, always ignoring the issues in the halls.
• Reports from certain students were ignored.
• The laundry room was a 10 minute walk, which was an extreme burden. Also, the laundry machines/driers price was raised 100% within the span of 2 months. Plus there had been a few issues with the machines.

And the worst part of all that is that we never got any money back or any rent discounts. 

Another fun fact is one of the shops that had its back door on our backyard was a drug den and last year the police made arrests in university premises of people that didn't belong to the university, but since their shop's back door was on the premises the police raided their shop from our backyard. 

I could go on and on to tell you how many people I've seen urinating on the alley behind our building, or how many people have been robbed there in the past, but you get the point.

The fact that both entrances of the Halls were on that alley was a threat to our safety.

Update:
Since when I posted this my macbook was stolen from inside my room. Since there has been no security since before Christmas the thief got no issue entering the premises and our flat, coming to my floor, breaking into my room and stealing my macbook. This was the only time when they actually were cooperative since they knew I could easily sue them. Unfortunately, I don't have the money to do that.
Three days before that a student was beaten and got robbed outside the main door of the building.
Three weeks after that a person died inside the university. They fell off a university building, but we haven't been informed of whether it was an accident or not.
On top of that three flats -including mine- had no wifi for the past 7 days in the university halls. We have had connectivity issues in the past, but none lasted more than a day. Finally, after 7 days of everyone complaining they sent a technician. He said there is water leakage and that they don't how much longer we won't have wifi for. And they only reason I found out it because I kept going to the IT helpdesk. They lied about calling me several times so I had to waste my time and physically go there. Mind you we're all masters students doing our dissertations right now...
And of course they haven't given us any alternative to access the internet or any refund. 
The office said we should expect those issues and be patient.
!!! 
That was their official response...
Then they said they'd do a general refurbishment, including changing the cables, but we'd have graduated by then. They expected us to have no wifi until we graduate, even though we still had deadlines.
After 2 weeks and me complaining constantly they fixed the issue. Which they could have fixed a lot earlier. I have to admit though the office was nice towards me and offered to move me to another flat to have wifi, but at the time that was impossible for me to do. 

My last day there I saw two humongous rats in the backyard. 
Not going to miss this place.