Angry & Tired

I've been very angry lately.

Angry and tired.

Angry because I see so much unfairness around me. People benefit from others' sadness and exploitation. And they don't even care.
They don't give a fuck.

And tired because I am one of those who care.
I am one of those who do give a fuck.
And so, I suffer.

I suffer due to my own issues (which I'm not going to refer to on this post, as they're way too many), but I also suffer due to others' issues and how the unfairness of this world is affecting them.

I'm also tired of how unfairness influences my life, my health, my career, my relationships.

Many people say money can't bring you happiness. Well, what it can bring you is very close to that: power. And power gives you the opportunity to say 'fuck all' and do as you please, live as you please, freed from the restrictions and limitations of a 'normal/average' life.

Bitter, Petty and Jealous

People who are younger than me are on their way of becoming billionaires, some others already hold PHDs, many have successful careers and hold fulfilling jobs, some are getting recognition in the arts...

And here I am stuck in my bed, doing nothing due to my health situation. I've mentioned this on a previous post of mine: Throughout my life I have suffered from poor health, and that has prevented me from doing a lot of things, leaving me stuck in inertia.

One could argue that if I wanted to do stuff my health should be irrelevant. There are people who are literally dying and are still active.
True, but those people are not me.

I'm not one of those hero-fighter types who never give up and persevere. I admire them, but I'm not one of them.
When my life is shit and my health is shit I can't gather the strength to do anything. I just want to give up. And I do.
Then, one may say, I should not complain.

Well, fuck it. This is my blog and I do what I want. So, if I want to complain and be bitter, petty and jealous, I will. Because this is the only place and the only space I allow myself to do so, and it's acceptable for me to do so.
I hold myself to unrealistic standards of perfectionism in my social, private, public and work life.
So, please, let me have this space to be able to express things that I would never dare to otherwise.

Jealousy.
It's a very very annoying feeling. Especially when you're a nice person. Because the feeling of being jealous makes you feel guilty. You question your integrity as a person. You question your morals. "Why am I not happy with my friends' happiness and success? Why am I so angry?"
It's something I've felt too many times, and it can crush you. You smile, you congratulate people, you pretend you're so excited they're doing well, whilst you're burning with anger and jealousy inside. "Why can't I be happy and successful too?" you wonder.

How am I supposed to be happy for other people when I'm not happy with my own life? How can I not be jealous and get angry when I look around and I see many people with a lot less qualifications, less intelligent, less talented, unkind and without morals succeed in life?
People make millions for being on reality tv or exploiting others or tricking the masses, people are famous for being famous or for doing crazy shit...
I'm not saying every successful person out there is undeserving of their success.
But some achieved it due to good connections, coming from wealthy families, or having no morals.

And you know what? Sometimes I wish I was like that. I wish things could come to me easily, without constant suffering. Sometimes I wish I was like them: either a rich spoiled brat, an immoral shark, or a social butterfly.
But I'm not. And I could never be.

Which makes me bitter towards and jealous of other people's success a lot of the time. Of course I keep that to myself and never let it manifest in public.

I'm a human, and when I'm unhappy and my life isn't fulfilling and my health is poor: I can't be happy for other people. I'll pretend to be, as I'd never want to compromise another's happiness, but I'll be jealous and bitter inside. And that is something I cannot change.

I'm an artist

I've been thinking lately about my career and its future.

I've got a BA in Music and an MA in Community Arts. It goes without saying that it's impossible to find a job in those fields unless you got really good connections -which I don't- or are a member of some sort of union -which I'm not and I cannot afford to be.

Thing is, I've always been told in my life that art can never be my main income. I've always been told it can only be a hobby and the very few who manage to make good money out of it and/or make a decent living are the exceptions.

So, what am I supposed to do?
Everytime I've tried a 'normal' job so far, I've felt extremely uncomfortable and a few times it even had an impact on my health.
You see, I thrive in creative environments and I wither in non creative, boring ones.

Ask me to come up with ideas, concepts, lyrics, stories, melodies, scripts, directive advice, designs, images, vocals (and anything artistic) and I will do so in no time.
I don't have to squeeze my brain to be creative, as creativity is my natural instinct, perception and way of thinking.

However, put me in a non creative job, and even though I can excel in it, I'll be depressed and stressed af. (hint: which is what's going on atm)

It's so fucking unfair that there aren't many opportunities for artists and creative people to make a living working within the arts unless they have connections. Some of us are introverts and cannot physically be 'sociable.' Also, when you make it compulsory for people to be part of unions to work in the arts you're excluding those of us who don't have the money and resources to do so.

I got two fucking degrees in the arts and so far I have not been able to find a job where I can put my degrees and creativity in use. And it's beyond frustrating. I'm going to be 30 in a year and a half, and I still don't know what I'm doing with my life.

You know what: I'm not a 'normal' person and I can't be a 'productive' and 'useful' member of society (the way most people perceive those).

I'm a fucking artist. And I cannot but only be that which I am.

Fuck it.

Is it too late?

This blog entry is mainly for anyone who is a teenager or younger than that.
I'm going to share with you a few of my thoughts and conclusions.
Feel free to read if you're older as well, but be warned that this blog entry may make you feel a tad sad.

It is quite unfortunate, but we have created a world that operates like a machine. A very fast paced machine. And that machine pushes you to start building your career as a teenager, to try to succeed from a young age, because it tells you that your life ain't worth living if you're older and 'unsuccessful.'
There's so much pressure to know what you want to do extremely early in life. And you're forced to stick with those early options to be safe and secure.
Society tells you you need security so you have to decide on a career from a young age and follow through. By the time you're 30 you have to be able to afford your own house, and depending on the career you chose to be famous and/or rich, or to make a name for yourself. Above all, you have to make connections because your worth is not as relevant as the people you know.

And if you're an artist it's even worse. Everyone tells you to put art aside and find a 'real career.'
So, if you're a teenage artist I suggest putting yourself out there, and starting to work on your career as early as possible. You'll also have to be an extrovert to succeed, and if you're not one, you'll have to either push yourself or give up.

It's sad, that young people nowadays aren't allowed to make mistakes and explore their options. That they aren't allowed to be themselves.

I made the mistake to take my time and explore.
And at almost 28 years of age I still have no clue what I want to do with my life or how to pursue it.
So it's too late for me now. I have to find a 'real job,' do something that I hate for the rest of my life and be unhappy. After all, that's how 'normal' adults live...

But if you're a young person you don't have to go through that. Maybe it's too late for me, but it's not too late for you.

So get out there and start building your adult life early on. Don't let time pass you by.