I'm always glad that I can write.
I can write about the things I don't want to forget, I can write about the things that happen to me or the process through which the prism of my thoughts filters my reality.
It's never an easy thing to go through a comedown (feel free to interpret the word on your own way). Sometimes it's harder to overcome one than others.
On my way home I was truly sad that I'd have to return to reality. My xmas holidays have been dreamy so far, but I'd have to take uni seriously from now on; I'd have to face the return of the housemates I'm not really fond of; I'd have to reduce my social life to a minimum -to my mates' dismay; I'd have to forget about the emotional void devouring my soul; I'd have to accept several things were going to change in different aspects of my life without me having any control over them...
I was drowning. Even before I got on the bus home I felt like shit -to put it simply. Even though I was surrounded by people whom I adore and I know they care and love me, even when these people tried to cheer me up, there was a dark cloud all around my head. And as I always do in these situations -when I'm having a comedown/bipolar moment/panik attack or anything of the sort- I chose to leave and be by myself for fear of hurting someone of these people or making them worry.
The funny thing about expectations is that they're a joke. I expected I'd be feeling shit, cry on my way home -or at home- and sink into depression. However two totally irrelevant incidents took place in front of my eyes that left me smiling on the rest of my way home in the past hour.
As I was on the tube trying to blank out the family sitting next to and opposite to me something strange caught my eye. The sister (around 5 years old) hugged lovingly her brother (around 2 years old) who was on the baby troller thingy. The mom yelled: "Aw how touching! Look at that! Some sibling love over there!". And the little girl approached her brother again and hugged him once more. Then they both started giggling and they looked so happy. It was so simple for them. Anyone who knows me a bit knows I hate children. Therefore I was not impressed by the children's age, but by their quality to find happiness in such weird ways.
After a couple of minutes I had to take another tube line to get me home. As I was waiting for the train I noticed a tall handsome guy who was dancing discreetly while whispering the lyrics of the song he was listening to. I realised a couple of people were giving him evil stares even though he didn't make any noise or weird movements. After I got off the train I saw he lived on the same street as I do. He was singing quite loudly a cheesy Spice Girls song on his way home. He looked so happy, so content and so utterly brave doing so. I was mesmerized by his smile. A pure proof of enjoyment.
Why did I even notice these two incidents? Why did I even care?
Because I realised I was blinded for a moment. I let negativity and darkness cover my light. I let the shadow of self doubt and anxiety to erase -even momentarily- all the good moments and people in my life. It's so easy to forget you know. Life itself can be a trap sometimes. A trap to push you onto a routine of boredom, anxiety, sadness and misery.
Peace,
Lara
p.s. I got to thank my Goddess, Leo, for putting up with my emotional roller coaster today and making me smile <3
I can write about the things I don't want to forget, I can write about the things that happen to me or the process through which the prism of my thoughts filters my reality.
It's never an easy thing to go through a comedown (feel free to interpret the word on your own way). Sometimes it's harder to overcome one than others.
On my way home I was truly sad that I'd have to return to reality. My xmas holidays have been dreamy so far, but I'd have to take uni seriously from now on; I'd have to face the return of the housemates I'm not really fond of; I'd have to reduce my social life to a minimum -to my mates' dismay; I'd have to forget about the emotional void devouring my soul; I'd have to accept several things were going to change in different aspects of my life without me having any control over them...
I was drowning. Even before I got on the bus home I felt like shit -to put it simply. Even though I was surrounded by people whom I adore and I know they care and love me, even when these people tried to cheer me up, there was a dark cloud all around my head. And as I always do in these situations -when I'm having a comedown/bipolar moment/panik attack or anything of the sort- I chose to leave and be by myself for fear of hurting someone of these people or making them worry.
The funny thing about expectations is that they're a joke. I expected I'd be feeling shit, cry on my way home -or at home- and sink into depression. However two totally irrelevant incidents took place in front of my eyes that left me smiling on the rest of my way home in the past hour.
As I was on the tube trying to blank out the family sitting next to and opposite to me something strange caught my eye. The sister (around 5 years old) hugged lovingly her brother (around 2 years old) who was on the baby troller thingy. The mom yelled: "Aw how touching! Look at that! Some sibling love over there!". And the little girl approached her brother again and hugged him once more. Then they both started giggling and they looked so happy. It was so simple for them. Anyone who knows me a bit knows I hate children. Therefore I was not impressed by the children's age, but by their quality to find happiness in such weird ways.
After a couple of minutes I had to take another tube line to get me home. As I was waiting for the train I noticed a tall handsome guy who was dancing discreetly while whispering the lyrics of the song he was listening to. I realised a couple of people were giving him evil stares even though he didn't make any noise or weird movements. After I got off the train I saw he lived on the same street as I do. He was singing quite loudly a cheesy Spice Girls song on his way home. He looked so happy, so content and so utterly brave doing so. I was mesmerized by his smile. A pure proof of enjoyment.
Why did I even notice these two incidents? Why did I even care?
Because I realised I was blinded for a moment. I let negativity and darkness cover my light. I let the shadow of self doubt and anxiety to erase -even momentarily- all the good moments and people in my life. It's so easy to forget you know. Life itself can be a trap sometimes. A trap to push you onto a routine of boredom, anxiety, sadness and misery.
Peace,
Lara
p.s. I got to thank my Goddess, Leo, for putting up with my emotional roller coaster today and making me smile <3
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