15 reasons why I hate summer

Seriously I hate summer for so many reasons. Here is a list:
1. I hate summer clothes and if I dress the way I want during the summer I'll die from the heat
2. I hate the sun and the light in general (especially summer sun)
3. I hate all those showing off their semi naked bodies
using warm weather as an excuse
4. I hate summer music and the fact that suddenly my fav djs take on the ibiza vibe even when it comes to dnb
5. I hate that my make up is melting and I look like an alien creature
6. I hate that I get sweaty and feel disgusting
7. I hate feeling the heat
8. I hate that in countries like Greece all services stop working during the summer (since everyone is on holidays)
9. I hate colours and for some reason during the summer everything looks extremely colourful
10. I hate tanning or turning red and I fucking wanna stay as pale as I can
11. I hate that the day lasts longer than the night does
12. I hate that plane tickets get ridiculously expensive
13. I hate that fruit, veggie, bread and other shit go bad way faster due to the heat 
14. I hate sweaty sex (aka summer sex)

And the thing
15. I hate the most is that everyone gets so fucking surprised I hate the fucking summer especially coz I'm Greek

On another note I hate beer, sweets and the beach too

Random Thoughts XXIV

It's so cowardice and unfair to not give closure to someone.
If you want someone out of your life at least have the fucking balls to tell them instead of ignoring them.
Stop hoping they'll give up on you. If they care they won't. So at least have the decency to let them move on.

I'd much rather have to face a harsh truth than a sweet lie

Random Thoughts XXIII

Marriage is the biggest human perversion based on possessiveness, insecurity, mistrust and controlling.

However, marriage is a huge industry providing numerous people with jobs, and it expands to all religions and beliefs.

The wedding day is a misconception of happiness, life purpose and general reality -unless you're filthy rich, so your reality is a misconception anyway.

Little girls grow up being told one day the prince will marry them, and they are gonna wear dreamy dresses and be princesses themselves.

Get real people. A fucking dress and a party -where for once it's ok for you to demand being the centre of attention- are not gonna make your overall life any better.

Random Thoughts XXII

Brutal wake up call.  

But will you have the balls to pick up the phone?

Confessions of a Rotten Heart (4)

It’s just that I’ve always been the one to support;

the one being there or others.

So when it’s me being in the receiving end,

I just can’t accept that role.

You know, I’m trembling right now.

My vision is a bit blurry,

So I had to take my glasses off.

It’s harder than usual to breathe.

I’m listening to all the songs I shouldn’t listen to.

I’m diving into darkness;

the void, despair and agony.

I kinda missed it.

Why do people let the monster inside them feed off their misery?

It’s enticing. Such an intense feeling can be extremely alluring.

So instead of being empty, you’d rather suffer.

Depression is a way of expression.

No Body Shame Campaign

People should stop judging others by their size. It's none of your business man. If you don't like it look the other way.

Also ffs women be nice to each other!
Most of the pressure towards women being skinny comes from other women, not men!!!!!

I have been asked many times how can I be so confident, being a curvier girl and all.
It's because:
1. I don't care what others think
2. I don't compare myself to others, everyone is special, different and unique
3. I know people are not perfect and don't try to be perfect or fit in any stereotypes
4. I think everyone can be sexy and also do believe curves can be sexy too
5. I only wear what makes me feel good and never compromise to a stylistic choice that won't suit my aesthetics just because of my body type
6. I know anyone who tries to bully me, attack me or judge me for my weight is probably a mean person with no life, low self esteem, and personal issues -coz why would you try to make someone feel bad otherwise?
7. I fucking love myself and would clone me and fuck me if I could

So please, never ever ever feel ashamed! No matter how much you weight, how tall you are, your skin colour, whether you have scars or other marks on your body... NEVER feel like there's something wrong with the way you look!

Check this incredible site:

No Body Shame Campaign

Real Life Zombies

Today I once again faced the realisation that some people are not humans. They are not even people. They are just despicable creatures, brainless forms of miserable life and no reason of existence.

Be careful when you see them for you can mistake them for mere stupid people. They are not just stupid. They are destructive and miserable. Evil people who can be energy vampires sucking the life out of you.

They will try to provoke you. They will try to insult you. They will try to evoke any reaction they can get.

Give them ignorance. Do not recognise their pitiful existence. Do not feed the monster lying within with your own energy.
Do not let them disturb your balance nor stir your inner peace.

~Serenity~  

Random Thoughts XXI

And then you realised that you can't fill that void inside you no matter how hard you try to trick yourself into doing so.
Pretentious actions, virtual attractions...
It all ends the same.

I can't get over it

I can't get over it.

I don't think I will ever be able to let go... of these moments, of the memories, of those amazing years I spent in my university campus.

I said I would go again, but I have not managed to bring myself to visit. I told myself it was because I didn't have the time... But look at me, I got plenty of time. Between panicking for uni and procrastinating I could spend a Sunday evening there. But still, I don't know if I can.

I can feel tears dancing around my cheeks. I can feel my heart aching. Every time I go through the pictures of my years in my university halls a sweet melancholy numbs my body.

How am I supposed to move on? I can't forget. I don't want to forget.
I don't think anything in my life can top up these two last years of my ba studies, the university halls experience ...

I know life changes. I know people change. People move on. My mates moved on. I moved on. But did I?

I never -not even for a split second- stopped hoping things would turn back to the way they were back then. It's not possible anymore, I can see it. Nevertheless I'm still clinging onto that idea.

The utopia of my uni years.

I think that's the problem. I lived, I experienced utopia and now I can't be happy and content with anything less than that. I am having a good time, I am appreciative, yet there is always a little shadow lurking inside me reminding me of the dream, the life I lived as a ba student in London, the university halls...
That protected environment, that magical forest that ensured me and my mates would be back together every september, altogether in one building.

I need closure but I sure don't know how to get it.

*that picture is the most iconic picture of my university halls for me; it's the view from my window.

Sex

**taken from a post of mine on a forum. a girl asked our opinion on sex, so there you have it

Sex can be many things. 

It's utterly subjective as a meaning, an act and a philosophy.

It depends on your general perspective, environment, religion or absence of it, beliefs, gender, age etc.

For me it's a need first and foremost. A biological need to experience pleasure and release. It can also be an expression of several feelings (love, hate, passion, anger etc). 

Therefore I think it's ok to have sex with someone when you feel like it -considering you respect and love yourself. 

I do think we -society- have to get over it and accept sex is -was and will be- part of our lives.As long as what you're doing in your sex life makes you and the people involved happy it's none of my business and I will not judge you.

Unexpected

I'm always glad that I can write.

I can write about the things I don't want to forget, I can write about the things that happen to me or the process through which the prism of my thoughts filters my reality.

It's never an easy thing to go through a comedown (feel free to interpret the word on your own way). Sometimes it's harder to overcome one than others.

On my way home I was truly sad that I'd have to return to reality. My xmas holidays have been dreamy so far, but I'd have to take uni seriously from now on; I'd have to face the return of the housemates I'm not really fond of; I'd have to reduce my social life to a minimum -to my mates' dismay; I'd have to forget about the emotional void devouring my soul; I'd have to accept several things were going to change in different aspects of my life without me having any control over them...

I was drowning. Even before I got on the bus home I felt like shit -to put it simply. Even though I was surrounded by people whom I adore and I know they care and love me, even when these people tried to cheer me up, there was a dark cloud all around my head. And as I always do in these situations -when I'm having a comedown/bipolar moment/panik attack or anything of the sort- I chose to leave and be by myself for fear of hurting someone of these people or making them worry.

The funny thing about expectations is that they're a joke. I expected I'd be feeling shit, cry on my way home -or at home- and sink into depression. However two totally irrelevant incidents took place in front of my eyes that left me smiling on the rest of my way home in the past hour.

As I was on the tube trying to blank out the family sitting next to and opposite to me something strange caught my eye. The sister (around 5 years old) hugged lovingly her brother (around 2 years old) who was  on the baby troller thingy. The mom yelled: "Aw how touching! Look at that! Some sibling love over there!". And the little girl approached her brother again and hugged him once more. Then they both started giggling and they looked so happy. It was so simple for them. Anyone who knows me a bit knows I hate children. Therefore I was not impressed by the children's age, but by their quality to find happiness in such weird ways.

After a couple of minutes I had to take another tube line to get me home. As I was waiting for the train I noticed a tall handsome guy who was dancing discreetly while whispering the lyrics of the song he was listening to. I realised a couple of  people were giving him evil stares even though he didn't make any noise or weird movements. After I got off the train I saw he lived on the same street as I do. He was singing quite loudly a cheesy Spice Girls song on his way home. He looked so happy, so content and so utterly brave doing so. I was mesmerized by his smile. A pure proof of enjoyment.

Why did I even notice these two incidents? Why did I even care?

Because I realised I was blinded for a moment. I let negativity and darkness cover my light. I let the shadow of self doubt and anxiety to erase -even momentarily- all the good moments and people in my life. It's so easy to forget you know. Life itself can be a trap sometimes. A trap to push you onto a routine of boredom, anxiety, sadness and misery.

Peace,
Lara



p.s. I got to thank my Goddess, Leo, for putting up with my emotional roller coaster today and making me smile <3

2013

It seems that most people didn't have a good 2013.
But then again, I remember last year on this same date people saying they had an awful 2012. And this happens every year to be fair.

2013 for me . . . it was extreme. I had the best and the worst times.
Nevertheless I choose to focus on the best, and learn from the worst.
It was the first time since 2010 that I spend such a long time in my hometown, Athens, Greece.
At first it was so hard to adapt that I was severely depressed for a couple of months. Things got better when I visited London for holidays, but the moment I returned I got worse.
Then, when I thought there was no hope for me in Athens; when I had already decided I was gonna seclude myself and I was distancing myself from my friends, something happened.
Things changed.
I met new people, I reconciled with people I wasn't so close to and I came closer to my mates, I got a job and I started enjoying my summer.
I quit the job and I experienced some really bad behaviour from a couple of people, but I didn't pay attention or energy to that.
This summer was one of the best summers of my life. I can only compare it to the summer of 2008 which was the peak of my lifetime in Greece so far. 
However, I had to leave again, even though I had just started adapting and enjoying myself; even though I had so many people around me I didn't want to leave back -again.

People don't realise how hard it is to be the one that leaves. When I moved to another Greek city for two years -for my studies- it took me months to adapt. I was travelling back to Athens at least once a month on the first year and every week on the second year. I hated the people in that city and I didn't think the city had anything to offer me. I got bullied and mistreated all the time, and I didn't even like what I was studying so, I left. But then I had to leave the friends I made there behind.

When I left was when I decided to move to London -for studies. I left in 2010 and I think it's one of the hardest things I've done in my life. I was crying throughout the whole flight. Imagine I had just turned 21 and I moved to a foreign country without any help, without any friends there. I don't think my friends in Greece realise how much I missed -and miss- them at times when I'm in London. My first year in London I was very depressed and I didn't really enjoy myself that much. Thankfully things changed on my second and third year. I was lucky to make really good friends whom I consider family. 

When I returned to Athens I was missing my London family a lot. Many people have asked me: -But aren't you used to it by now? Missing people since you are in London for a couple of months and then in Athens for the rest of the year. 
No, it never gets old, you never get used to it. I miss everyone equally and constantly when I'm away from them.

So 2013... I returned to London once more for a masters degree. That night of September when I had to say goodbye to my crew in Athens I was ready to cry. Well, I was already crying inside. It's an awful thing to grow away from people you care for. You both go on with your lives and follow different paths. There's always that danger that your paths will never meet again even if you return. It has happened to me before and believe me, it's unbearable.
The first months after my return in London have been a roller coaster: accommodation problems, struggling with my masters, trying to adapt once again, partying, crying, depression, drama, reunion of the family...

I have no clue what 2014 is gonna bring me. I'm hoping a masters certificate and health first and foremost. 
But I don't even remember why I started writing this :P
Anyhow I wish for all of us to be healthy, happy, and learn how to focus on the positive things in our lives.

To all my mates in every fucking country they might be right now:

Be extreme and don't give two shits. Love yourselves and take care!

Rave on! :D

Freedom

Freedom can also be a person's choice to experiment on their perception, body, and soul; an effort to expand their consciousness; an attempt to evolve spiritually and explore their universe.

New beginnings New problems

After what happened to me in Bayswater I hoped my new accommodation would be better.
To be fair I moved in with one of my best mates, an Italian guy and a bulgarian guy -who were his housemates from before- and another one of my best mates moved in with me so, I thought things would be amazing.

I'm not gonna refer to every little detail but to cut a long story short:
-The bulgarian guy:

• Never follows the cleaning rota -aka has never cleaned the house in the 3-4 years he lives here
• Always wants things to happen his way no matter what -and he uses manipulation to achieve that very effectively
• Is abusive and violent towards his girlfriend (she confessed her story to me and even if half the shit she told me is true, this guy has to be arrested)
• Hosted his father for 2,5 years in his room without paying rent or bills for him for the biggest part of his stay (even though the landlord forbids us to host people for more than 3 weeks)
• Has trapped his girlfriend into our house, not allowing her to leave for the past 6 weeks without paying for her share of the bills or rent ofc (again the landlord forbids couples to share the same room in the house)
• Has bullied one of my best mates in front of my very eyes 
• Fights with his girlfriend all the time and sometime the screams, crying and yelling coming from the room are extreme
• Devalues education and has questioned my choice to do a masters degree very rudely
• Believes he is the shit because he's a builder and thinks anyone not working the way he does is worthless
• Judges me and my best mate for personal choices that are non of his business
• Has been extremely rude and provocative to me even though I'm 100% civil and typical towards him (and believe me it's not an easy thing for me to do)

-The manager:

• Is always polite and says yes to everything which leads to the bulgarian guy having an attitude like he owns the place
• Promised to tell the bulgarian guy off on the cleaning thing and the hosting people for months thing, but he chickened out and didn't say anything last night (we had a housemate meeting)
• Knows -for sure- what kind of shit person the bulgarian guy is and I'm also sure he suspects his abusive behaviour, and he says the couple's fights and lifestyle create an awkward situation, but says he doesn't like confrontation (ffs grow some balls fucker)
• Says this is a family house and we should be a family, blatantly ignoring the situation with the bulgarian guy
• Has taken him more than 3 weeks to give me and my mate the contract and now that he did our other mate is away on holidays so we have to wait for him to come back for all the housemates to sign -which means I don't have proof of address and I can't register with a GP, so if I get ill, I'm screwed
• In general doesn't recognise part of his responsibilities as a manager
• He has everyone pay the same rent even though his room is twice the size of the second biggest room in the house
• Didn't tell me we had a mouse problem before I moved in
• Hasn't fixed the kitchen ceiling in more than 1 year, so water from the shower drips close to the light bulb in the kitchen (we could get electrocuted)
• Hasn't fixed the ground floor toilet in more than 2 months 
• Hasn't done any proper maintenance for the house at all

(the bullet points that have to do with maintenance also have to do with the landlady that doesn't give a shit about anything but the money)

Update: i spoke to the manager and he said he wants me to stay so we came to the agreement that I will stay, but will not even have to speak to the other guy. Let's see how it goes.

Update 2: Things are not looking good. My mates and I are not even talking to the prick and he declared to the manager he wants us out of the house. He thinks it's us creating problems. Even though he has been playing mind games on us and tries to intimidates us -and does whatever the hell he wants- all the time. His girlfriend is living here still, secretly though and he said he's gonna host his father again! The manager says he's gonna move out by May which means the prick will most probably become the new manager. Therefore I'll have to find new accommodation before May, less than two months before my deadlines!

Update 3: It's March already and the bulgarian guy has been hosting his father for more than a month. Now he's hosting his brother as well. I decided to move out now rather than wait for May. So, I'm now trying to find a room in my uni's halls. Never lived in south London before, it's gonna be an interesting experience.

Update 4: I'm worried about my deposit. In this house you give the deposit to the one who left prior to your arrival. Hence I gave my deposit to the lady that rented the room before me. However, if the manager leaves by the end of the contract who is there to ensure the next tenant will give me my deposit? Also, the situation in the house is unacceptable. It's turned into a commune! The bulgarian guy offered us 20 £ each for bills, but are you serious? His father has been living here for 2 months without permission and his brother for 3 weeks! Ofc we didn't accept the money. Moreover there are no cleaning products in the house and the ones that we have have expired since 2012! When I told the manager he promised to take care of it, but he didn't. The manager -after he found out everyone is moving out after the contract expires (and the fact that I want to move out sooner)- has been a little sneaky bitch; not that he wasn't before, but now it's way too obvious. He complaints about being a manager and not making anything out of it, even though he pays 300£ less on the rent he should pay, since he makes us all pay the same amount of money without taking under consideration the sizes of our rooms. Also, he charges us 120 £ each for bills, but we've never seen a receipt of the costs of the house. Bare in mind we also pay for cable tv even though he's the only one watching and I had to pay council tax even though I'm a full time student -which means I shouldn't.
My nerves are breaking down and I can't study in this house. I need my space and until I get it I'll go crazy. It's not easy to concentrate on my studies while no one here has consideration over me being a student. The manager told me the other day: "Relax and party, why study?". WTF MAN!

Update 5: The bulgarian guy hosted his girlfriend as well for a couple of days, plus has turned our house into a construction site! Even though the contract states clearly it's illegal to deliver any part of our business in/ from the house. Now his brother is cutting wood using a very loud and dangerous tool!
Moreover the landlady came by today and had a talk with one of my mates (and housemates) and he told her about the situation in the house (plus the repairs that are needed) and she had no fucking clue! Which means the fucking manager has been lying to us all along! I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE OR ELSE I'M GONNA TURN PARANOID!

Update 6: It's the end of March and today the landlady found out about everything. EVERYTHING! We spoke on the phone. She's coming today to evict the prick and talk to all of us.... Stressful!

Update 7; She didn't come, but the 'manager' who isn't actually the manager and had no right to make us pay the same rent even though our rooms are way smaller than his-as the landlady told me on the phone-, told us we will have to leave the house by the end of the contract with no right to leave beforehand. So I'm trapped in this shithole until the 17th of May. Which is 1 month before my deadlines... Just great. Also we won't get our deposit back until the end of the contract. Plus the bulgarian guy verbally attacked me -as he did with the landlady on the phone today- and tried to blame me -with no argument ofc. The fact that I'm the only woman in the house makes him think I'm the easy target as he's a sexist and misogynist. I can't live here no more seriously. the landlady chickened out and didn't come, the 'manager' almost cried today during the meeting and my two mates just can't be bothered with this situation. I'm on the verge of paranoia! I can't be disrespected like this and accept it! I wanna move out as soon as I can and fuck everything else! I got a fucking degree to fight for! And in this house it's just impossible!

Update 8: The noisy work is still taking place and when we confronted the bulgarian guy he lied about getting permission from the 'manager'. I need to get the fuck outta this place...

Update 9: The landlady came by today. The Bulgarian guy promised to stop all the shit. And I just found out my other housemate and 'manager' of the house isn't the manager and has been living rent free stealing money from the rest of the housemates.... Oh and the landlady's husband who's a prick as well said -concerning the money thing: "Well, at least you learnt something from this."
What a fucking bellend. Why are landlords in London such scumbags?

WTF

Update 10: We confronted the 'manager' and expect to see receipts and proof that he didn't steal our money.. let's see...

Update 11: It's early April and the manager is trying to involve the landlady who isn't really into it. Also hopefully I will move out next week.

Update 12: The 'manager' said he will only show us the receipts of the bills -to prove that what we've been paying reflects the bills and rent of the house- only if the landlady is there. She got ill so she couldn't come to out scheduled meeting on Friday. Then one of us asked the 'manager' to bring the receipts and when he did and the other person tried to read them the 'manager' flipped and started screaming that he's gonna call the police. He's disappeared ever since. I called the landlady just before the incident to ask whether I'd get my deposit if I left the house 1 month prior to the end of the contract and she said it's ok and if we all want we could just leave now and we'd get our deposits. She doesn't like that we're questioning the manager and she told me on the phone: "Why do you care about all that stuff? Why now? Why don't you all just leave the house and leave this?! No one has ever questioned the way money is managed in the house before!"
The little bitch thinks we don't know she had a secret 'arrangement' with the 'manager'. We're not stupid though and we realise they're both scum and the 'manager' has committed fraud.

Update 13: On Wednesday we got a meeting with the 'manager' and the landlady. Fucking hell is this never gonna end? On Thursday I'm moving out and hope I won't lose my deposit.

Update 14: The landlady revoked her permission for me to leave even though we had an arrangement and an agreement since last week. I have already booked a new place though. Just great...

Update 15: There is so much that has happened these days... I feel so weak and tired... I can't even begin to tell you about me and my mate going to civil bureau, then calling house shelter for advice, then me going to my uni's housing advice service, then having a housemate meeting with the landlady -and her husband- present.... In the end she will deduct the last rent from my deposit and I won't have to pay for bills and stuff. At least that's what she said. Let's see how it goes. We also confronted the 'manager' and he proved that what we've been paying is right (for 2-3 months). There's a lot more proof needed, but for the time being we have to wait. If all goes well, I'm also moving to my uni halls today.

Update 16: I moved out. So far the Halls of my uni are not that bad, but people here are a bit unfriendly and antisocial. On the 16th of April though, I will have to go and clean my room in the previous house and give the keys.