Today marks one year since my second surgery. A surgery I had to have for medical reasons. A surgery that changed my body forever, and deformed my favourite body part.
I have not been able to return to how I loved and embraced my body before the surgery, but I am trying. Loving oneself is hard enough, without external factors intervening.
On this day, I'm self reflecting on my journey to recovery, the realisation that the body can take years — if ever — to fully heal from physical trauma, how physical and psychological trauma are intertwined, and how one can navigate relearning to love themselves, after they're not 'themselves' anymore.
I don't have any answers to give you, or myself, at the moment. Recovering and healing can be difficult. Complications can be scary and horrendous. The unknown is terrifying. No one can give you an absolute guarantee things will go as planned, or that you will be okay.
The hospitalisation for and recovering from the two surgeries I had (for the same medical reason), were the worst experiences I've ever had to go through — and I've been through some terrible shit. I will always have a scar reminding me of the nightmare, but I can only wish that my body will fully heal in the foreseeable future, so I can — at least partially — move on to a happier and healthier place.
Lara
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My poem 'de-FORmed:'
Goodbye;
Farewell.
I know I’ll never see you again.
You changed forever: your shape, your form.
All that remains is I, deformed
https://mysticismlover.wordpress.com/2022/10/17/de-formed/
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PS. I kindly ask that you do not comment/message regarding my surgeries or my health.
PS2. Please, also refrain from dismissing my trauma or diminishing my experience. "You look fine" comments aren't welcome.
PS3. From the bottom of my heart, 'Thank you' to those who have supported me throughout this journey, either practically, or emotionally. I don't know that I would have been able to persevere without you. I am forever grateful.
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