London & Art: Failing creativity

Today I googled myself, and by myself, I mean my online self.
Yes. Don't judge. I just wanted to see what kind of pictures I have uploaded. Sometimes we get carried away after all.

When I ensured nothing shameful has been shared with the world, or at least nothing shameful appears on google search, an old blog entry caught my eye.

As I started reading I thought I'd feel nostalgic, but if I actually felt anything, that was annoyance.

The blog entry was about me loving London, London life, reminiscing my uni (bachelors) years etc.
I was going on about friends, parties, and having a great time in London. Mind you, the post was written in 2012.

Now, four years later, I just graduated from my masters degree, which took three long years to complete, and I got a job (for which I am severely underpaid).
I also have close to zero social life. Firstly, due to many of the friends mentioned on that old blog entry moving to other places, secondly due to drifting away from people (as you do the older you get), and lastly, due to my shit finances.

In the seven years I've been in UK, not even one day has gone by without me stressing over money. And that takes a toll on you. That, combined with the masters degree experience, which was extremely traumatic and draining -not to mention the Brexit news- left me extremely... tired.

Rent prices and overall cost of life skyrocketed, which left me struggling for survival. In the past three years, I cannot say that I have lived in London. I can only say that I have survived London.

Many of my acquaintances and friends in Greece believe that because I'm in London, I'm living the life.
Well, let me tell you: I'd rather be somewhere else and live comfortably. Because in London, unless you make over 30k a year (after taxes) you can't live. You can only survive. And at the moment, I'm not making a third of that. I'm struggling to pay my rent, I'm struggling to pay for food.

I have two degrees, and I can't find a job that pays well enough, so that I can live with dignity.
Because, as someone pointed out on youtube, art degrees are 'laughable' and useless. So, apparently, I should have studied something I don't like, just so I can live with dignity. But then, would that be living with dignity? If I did a job I hated?
The same person who called art degrees 'laughable' suggested I should have checked the Forbes list of the best paying jobs before I started my studies. To her, it's stupid that I chose to study subjects that aren't on that list.

But you see, unfortunately, I am an artist. Every part of my body has been dedicated to art since I can remember myself.
I was four years old when I started singing. I was fascinated. I would sing arias by the window. I didn't even know what opera was at the time. I just knew how to make those sounds, that I later found out to be arias.

Then, I learned how to write. My whole world changed. I immediately started keeping a diary. I started writing stories. In the meantime, I was reading books all the time. I started reading comics as well.

I realised I also liked drawing a lot. I always drew, as all little kids do. I could be good at it, if I put the time and effort. But, I loved writing and singing a little more. And since writing was something I could do anywhere, anytime, I focused on that.

When I was eight-years-old I started learning English. I immediately started writing in English. I was fascinated by how well English worked with lyrics and poems. Even though, I still wrote in Greek, both novels and poems/lyrics, I started writing in English a lot more. Today, I rarely write in Greek. Nevertheless, when I do, it is something I enjoy and cherish. I feel that different languages work better in expressing different things.

In my late teens, I was in a band. That didn't go greatly, but it urged me to push myself to study music. I dropped out of my Greek uni to come to London and study music. I wrote lyrics frantically. I sang, I recorded myself. I was happy. The singer and lyricist within me was satisfied.
But I didn't manage to make connections, as I am an introvert and suffer from performance anxiety. I didn't manage to make it big.
Therefore, music didn't work for me.

I started loving photography around the same time I was in a band. You see, the internet made it possible to share your pictures, and to see others' pictures. That was inspiring to me. It gave me ideas. It urged me to share my pictures with the world. Even if it was pictures taken from my phone. I created a Deviant Art page. It's not popular at all.
My love for photography -which I got from my mother- didn't lead anywhere either.

My masters degree helped me gain knowledge in the arts (theatre, music and drama among others) and management, in correlation to marginalised social groups (e.g. prisoners, persons with disabilities etc.) and how to plan, deliver and organise relevant workshops/projects.
However, as I lack people's skills, which are essential to work on this field, I didn't manage to get a job on that field.

Now I'm a notetaker for uni students with disabilities. Despite the fact that I enjoy the job, and I learn so many things for free, this isn't a post grad job. It's a I'm-still-doing-my-bacherlor-degree job. Which means I'm extremely underpaid considering my qualifications -and the fact that I work for an agency means they get a lot of my money.

So all of these years of studying, all of these years of creating... and nothing came out of them.

I have hundreds of pieces of writing that I've written over the years. I also have hundreds of drawings. And I used to have a lot of recordings of me singing, but many of those I decided not to keep. But I do have a few finished songs, recorded for uni, and a couple of performances. I have thousands of pictures I have taken.

In vain.

It's sad. It's really sad. But you may ask: How is this relevant to London, wouldn't it be the same if you were in Greece?

Maybe, maybe not. But at least in Greece I would be more comfortable financially.

However, the thing is, London is known for its art scene. It's known to be the USA of Europe. Meaning, it is the land of opportunity, and aspiring artists from all sorts of backgrounds and art forms come here to make it.

Or it was supposed to be. Or it used to be. But it's not anymore.

Take it from someone who has lived in London for almost seven years now:
London isn't an easy place to be. And with all the instability that the Brexit brought, the prices rising even more, it's turning into a very ugly place; a place that isn't very friendly to foreigners and poor people.

I can't even remember why I started this blog entry anymore. So, I'll stop here, hoping that one day, maybe, just maybe, I will be given the opportunity to live with dignity, as an artist, in this world.


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Gender

People need to realise the gender binary is a social construct.It serves the purpose of big corporations, religions and any other institutes that want to either make money off people or control them -or both. Gender is a spectrum. As we -hopefully- have all learned by now, things aren't black and white in life.Things don't work in -one-or-the-other. Very rarely you will find things that are either, or, without them entailing 'the in-between. 'So next time you see a person who doesn't fit in that gender binary, refrain from judging them, and even worse bullying them. Remember that their gender is theirs, only theirs, to define, express and live in and with. And if you're a person who is struggling because you can't find your place within the gender binary, rejoice. Because you don't have to. You have your own place in the gender spectrum, and that's valued, valid and respected.

Goodbye my neckpiercing

I had this piercing done around May/June 2009.
It was a very special piercing to me. 
I got it at Iris, at Patras. 
That along with a tattoo, where my best memories of living in Patras for 2 years.
But above all, this was done by one of the kindest, gentlest human beings I've ever met. 
He was a tattooer and piercer named Andreas. A middle-aged man full of life, respect and positivity. He always gave discounts to students, was welcoming, ready to give you candy or juice during a piercing or a tattoo.
This man passed away a few years ago, so my tattoo and that piercing (both of which I got the same day, my last day in Patras) mean so much.
Reminders of my time there, my first time living by myself, my first time as a university student; but also reminders of a great man who was always hospitable and kind.

USA election results 2016

I woke up to the horrendous reality that Donald Trump will be the president of the United States of America -most probably.
Even though I live in Europe I am deeply affected by the result, as a human being who cares for her fellow human beings.

America, the whole world was looking at you today. We were all hoping that you'd vote against the new Hitler, Trump.
We were hoping you'd prove those people who say Americans are manipulated puppets without critical thinking wrong.

But no. You, very unfortunately, proved all of us right.

And here comes the question, what is the meaning of democracy when those who exist in the democracy as a majority are uneducated, easily manipulated people? When their ideology goes against those which we have established as right and moral?

Today you didn't "make America great again." On the contrary, you made it horrible. Good bye America. Good bye.

Is it too late?

This blog entry is mainly for anyone who is a teenager or younger than that.
I'm going to share with you a few of my thoughts and conclusions.
Feel free to read if you're older as well, but be warned that this blog entry may make you feel a tad sad.

It is quite unfortunate, but we have created a world that operates like a machine. A very fast paced machine. And that machine pushes you to start building your career as a teenager, to try to succeed from a young age, because it tells you that your life ain't worth living if you're older and 'unsuccessful.'
There's so much pressure to know what you want to do extremely early in life. And you're forced to stick with those early options to be safe and secure.
Society tells you you need security so you have to decide on a career from a young age and follow through. By the time you're 30 you have to be able to afford your own house, and depending on the career you chose to be famous and/or rich, or to make a name for yourself. Above all, you have to make connections because your worth is not as relevant as the people you know.

And if you're an artist it's even worse. Everyone tells you to put art aside and find a 'real career.'
So, if you're a teenage artist I suggest putting yourself out there, and starting to work on your career as early as possible. You'll also have to be an extrovert to succeed, and if you're not one, you'll have to either push yourself or give up.

It's sad, that young people nowadays aren't allowed to make mistakes and explore their options. That they aren't allowed to be themselves.

I made the mistake to take my time and explore.
And at almost 28 years of age I still have no clue what I want to do with my life or how to pursue it.
So it's too late for me now. I have to find a 'real job,' do something that I hate for the rest of my life and be unhappy. After all, that's how 'normal' adults live...

But if you're a young person you don't have to go through that. Maybe it's too late for me, but it's not too late for you.

So get out there and start building your adult life early on. Don't let time pass you by.

My last day as a student

Today marks my last day as a university student, or a student in general.
My university student card expires on this day.

Mixed feelings. Bittersweet. Redemption, relief, anxiety, sadness, melancholy...

I started going to primary school in Greece when I was six years old. I remember how excited I was to learn the alphabet, the tool of the writer. I immediately started keeping a diary and then writing stories, and later poems and lyrics. Primary school was easy and fun, and then not so much fun when the school shut down and I had to transfer to a bigger one. Then senior school was ok, I was reading a lot of literature at the time, and I started learning about all sorts of different subjects at school. High school was when I started questioning the knowledge passed on by the teachers and books, and when my ability to think critically really evolved and started shaping the person I am today. Then, came prep school to get to uni. Next year, off I went to uni in Greece. Two years of learning things I wasn't sure I was interested in. I decided to go to the UK to study music. To push myself to do that which I have always loved. My time as a music student was eye opening. I learned, I lived, I experienced, I grew, I lost myself and I found me again. After that I took a gap year to decide what I should do next. Then, off I went to my masters degree. Little did I know these would be the hardest three years of my life. I went through trauma, mental breakdowns, I learned, I rediscovered myself, I improved my research and writing skills and I became an adult. Yes, at almost 28 years old I became an adult.

Overall, I've spent 21 years of my life in education. And that chapter of my life is coming to an end today.
I'm not sure what the future holds. The future is terrifying territory for me.

What I'm sure of is that being in education helped me become the best version of myself. It helped me become aware. It provided me with the tools I need to be a decent human being. And not necessarily because of the teachers, even though I encountered a few of them that were exceptional -not a majority unfortunately. It was my effort, my resilience and research that gave me the tools, but had I not had education as a platform, I doubt I'd have ever made that effort and engaged in such research.

So, if you ever have the chance to go to college, university, or anything similar, grab it. Make sure to use that time creatively, meaningfully, lose yourself, find yourself, do crazy shit, learn crazy shit, question everything, and above all,  _________ .
No, I ain't telling you that part. That is for you to discover yourselves.

Just fly,
Lara

Fabric just got shut down

So Fabric was shut down.
Islington council thinks we're stupid if they actually believe we were convinced they care about young people.They didn't shut Fabric "to protect the children" (there were never any children in Fabric anyway since you have to be an adult to enter). They shut Fabric because they want to focus on house development and they had eyed the Fabric building for a very very long time. I can't begin to imagine how many people will lose their jobs and how much money the owners will lose. I can't begin to imagine the financial uncertainty this will cause.I can't begin to imagine how much this will impact DJs, London's nightlife and tourism...People were coming to UK just to visit Fabric. I have seen people online infuriated and disappointed by this decision to shut Fabric, as they have already booked tickets to fly to the UK just to visit Fabric.
If Islington Council really cared about young people, they would stop this petty "War on Drugs" and start educating young people on how to be safe. They would make sure no club goer is ignorant when it comes to drugs, and they'd be giving free drug test kits outside clubs, as other progressive countries do. So that people know whether their drugs are what they were said to be or not. This has successfully worked in other countries. Islington Council needs to realise that people have always been taking substances to alter their perception since the beginning of time, and that practice won't change, no matter how many clubs they shut. Shutting safe spaces where people are monitored, have access to medical professionals and are protected by security personnel perpetuates archaic practices which push people underground. And the underground is a lot more dangerous. A lot more people have had accidents or died in illegal raves than in legal ones (analogically). Thousands of people have visited Fabric over the years. Yes, six people died in Fabric since 2011. Out of thousands of people, 6 died. Of course this is tragic, but statistically this is a very small percentage. I understand that the loved ones of those people must be devastated, angry and desperate to blame someone. But Fabric isn't the enemy. The enemy is a system that perpetuates the drug black market, putting persons at risk.
London -and UK in general- has been adopting very conservative tactics in the past few years. And now, after the Brexit and all the uncertainty that that entails, we see the capital's nightlife being viciously attacked in the name of money making. But the people need entertainment, they need to have places where they go to unwind, and let go of all the worries and stress of this fast-paced and tough life they live in London. You turned London into a place where you can't live comfortably, where you can barely survive. Now you take entertainment out of the equation. What do you think will happen? The people will find new ways, possibly more dangerous ways -and places- to replace the lost clubs (Cable, Fabric etc.). And then, when more people lose their lives, because these spaces aren't nearly as safe as Fabric, who are you going to blame?

Random Thoughts XXXXX

Whilst we all fight our own battles, we tend to forget we're all together in this thing called life and on this planet called Earth.

Light and love to all of you, it can be hard to see them and accept them, but maybe that's the point of our journey.

Morning Thoughts

So the person who cleans our flat is having another tantrum today, banging the hoover on the floor, slamming doors and making as much noise as she possibly can. Many times when she's having a bad day she will make noise on purpose, knowing that some of us sleep, and/or she won't clean properly (actually, she never cleans properly). She's a great example of a person who wants to ruin someone else's day because she's not happy.
I've been observing for years, that many of the people I randomly encounter on the street/shops/public transport/etc. have the same mentality as her: "Since I hate my life or since I'm having a bad day, I will take it out on other people -even if they have nothing to do with my situation- or I will try to make other people miserable because no one should be happier than me."
This mentality and behaviour is one of the most harmful elements in human thought and behaviour in my opinion. Because it perpetuates misery and recycles negativity, hate and aggression. But this also stems from the inability of humans to recognise their true enemies. The person whom you took your anger out on the tube isn't your enemy. That person isn't responsible for your misery. You are responsible for your misery, and possibly the system, economy etc. So to target a random individual is harmful and irrational. I'm not saying that people can't piss you off. Of course, they can. And sometimes you do have to tell people off on the tube, in a shop etc. if they're doing something that disrespects you, hurts you or obstructs you from what you are doing. But that is very different to taking out other issues you have on random people.

Random Thoughts XXXXVIV

That moment when you realise you are incapable of feeling absolute and pure happiness.

Harsh Reality

That moment when you realise dreams are just dreams that will never become reality.
That moment when you start crying because you slowly realise there is no hope.
That moment despair creeps in as you see your whole life crumble...

That moment has come for me. And it has come after me.

That moment when you realise everyone's hopes and expectations of you will never be materialised, because reality isn't a thought, an ability or a desire.

Reality is harsh as fuck and it crushes your whole being.

Wisdom Tooth Poem

Another day of rice and soup, fuck you, damn you, wisdom tooth

My tooth doesn't hurt as much no more, But I have to be careful not to make it sore

Fuck you, damn you, wisdom tooth, I want mozzarella sticks to tell the truth

Random Thoughts XXXXVIII

And you just lost the best thing that has ever happened to you.

Bye.

Random Thoughts XXXXVII

Sometimes you realise that you can just not tolerate anything else.
You have surpassed that point that used to be your limit by far, and even the smallest things can become triggers to send you off the edge.

And I'm at that point now, where I've taken too much bullshit, I've been too under appreciated, I've had to put up with too much ungratefullness, I had to survive obstacles on a daily basis, I had too many health implications, I had too many bad things happen to me constantly, and in general:
I've had enough.

Yes, I've had enough.
So from now on, get ready. This summer is going to be explosive.

Brexit

So apparently the brexiters won.

Right wings, racists, nationalists won.

I can't begin to tell you my feelings towards this result.

A country that is being governed by the Tories left the EU. This government wants to privatise the NHS, give less money to the Arts and Education, and give more power to banks and corporations.

Now that UK isn't part of the EU anymore, these things will happen. Dark times await the UK.

On top of that, there is no apparent plan for the aftermath of the brexit.

And what will happen to all of us who are from the EU and have been living in UK for years?

And what will happen to all the British people who live in the EU?

UK will be punished from the EU for this decision. Any brexiter who thought they can leave the EU and still be pampered by the EU is delusional.

And of course, now there is a great divide. Those who wanted to remain will never forgive the ones who wanted to leave, and those who wanted to leave now will have a sense of power over the ones who wanted to remain.

The majority of young people wanted to remain, and older people to leave, thus leaving the younger generations despising the older ones, feeling their future has been destroyed by anachronistic political and nationalist views.

The great divide begins, the dark ages begin.

Well done UK, you just started the domino effect of destruction.