Goodbye, my friend

One of the most painful things for me as an autistic individual who feels everything extremely deeply and who suffers from Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is good friends drifting away. I'm talking about people I have shared very important moments of my life with, people whom I trusted and they trusted me, people I have supported and they have supported me, people with whom I had an important bond.

One day, some of these people started moving on/away from our friendship. They never said why, and I don't recall ever hurting them or wronging them in any way. I often even asked common friends their opinion and they also couldn't understand why that was. Mind you, I have friendships that have lasted for up to 28 years, and they're still going strong. So, I'm fully capable of maintaining long-term platonic relationships. 

But, it seems that for some reason, certain people can't. I do take it personally and it is hurtful, even though, I'm aware that not everyone can maintain long-term friendships, and it's not exclusive to me. Sometimes their own trauma and mental health struggles may be the reason we drift apart. However, mourning a friendship, or when a friendship turns into an acquaintanceship, is wounding, lengthy and sometimes, something I may not recover from. 

.        Picture taken by me, Hastings, England.

Random Thoughts LXXXIV

Picture taken by me: London, December 2021.

Just another day of hopelessness, despair and anxiety.

I keep noticing and realising by observing my surroundings, people in real life, and people on the internet: a very large number of the population lacks logic and reason, the ability to think critically, and the will to learn before forming opinions, sharing them and insisting on them.

And the more I see this, and the more I see behaviours that confirm this, the less hope I have for the future of humanity, but also for my own future.

14 years.

Central London.

07-01-2010.

I moved to London on the 7th of January, 2010. I was 21 years old. The prospect of living in UK appeared exciting (I was watching too much Skins at the time), but I was also scared shitless, as I had no one in UK and feared the unknown. I was confused about who I was, what my future would be like, what my life in UK would be like... 

Today, on the 14th-year anniversary of the move, I reminisce my first day in London. How different everything felt compared to Athens; how different I felt, but also how accepted and embraced... Despite people being friendly and complimenting my style, my first day in London was stressful and terrifying. Having to talk to other students as an introvert, let alone in a foreign language, having to figure everything out in uni halls without any prior experience or knowledge on how things worked... It was a lot to deal with. 

My first couple of months in London I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I was lost; I was lonely and missing my loved ones; I didn't understand uni student dynamics and politics; and I didn't know that I was experiencing dysphoria due to the big change and the new environment, as I'm autistic.

In the years that came, I made some amazing meaningful connections; I found many elements from British culture I could relate to and appreciate; I formed long-lasting friendships; I learned a lot about who I was and who I am, and I started the process of unmasking. UK has been like a mother to me, and London became a place I call home. I'm still trying to figure life out; I'm still scared, a little less confused and a lot more familiar with the city and how things work. 

Here's to the next 14 years, hoping I will be less scared, even less confused, and maybe a little happier, more stable and settled here.

L

2024. New year, same me: My thoughts on 'change.'

2024. 

I've seen a lot of posts writing "New year, new me" circulating social media. I've been thinking about people's need to change, or their need to announce their intention to change. If you feel there is a reason for you to change, it makes sense to try to motivate yourself to achieve the change. Maybe you're  reconsidering your approach to life; maybe you want to work on how you react to things; maybe you want to be a better person (whatever that may mean to you, e.g. becoming kinder/more self-aware/straightforward etc.). Whatever the reason might be, if you feel a change within is the solution to living a better, more fulfilling life, go for it. 

In my case, I'd say, it's "New year, same me," as I don't want to change who I am. I have worked – and I am still working – very hard on finding my true self and living authentically to her. Am I perfect? No. Have I reached self-actualization? Absolutely not. There's a lot more room for improvement and I got a very long way till I reach my 'full potential' as a human and a person. However, I don't want to become a new person. I am very happy with my core, my values, my ideologies, and the way I see the world. Does that make me suffer more than most, due to being 'very sensitive' or 'paying too much time and attention' to people's bad actions (whether targeting me or others)? Yes, 100%. But, the alternative doesn't interest me: apathy is a disease to me, and maliciousness is even worse. I don't want to 'change,' because I live my life respecting others, considering their needs, being empathetic and understanding to their circumstances (when applicable) and trying to do good, overall.

Do I think the world we live in must change, instead, as it is a cruel and toxic place to be? Yes, indeed. Solidarity, respect, empathy, education on social issues, human rights – to name a few – should be taken for granted, instead of many of us having to fight for them on a daily basis. Right? I guess, to me, that's right. Except, what I came to realise is that to some, that's not right. It's a matter of ethics and morals, which despite certain standards set and defined by laws and unwritten social rules, can be highly subjective. Therefore, there's not much I can do about others' ethics and morals, especially when the law or their environment allows them to hurt others without consequences. I can try to talk to them and/or disrupt their bad actions (when possible), but I can't be the one to punish them, or force them to change their ways. Change has to come from within or be enforced by the relevant systems, after all.

I'm going to leave you now, paraphrasing Arleen Lorrance's quote on change, "Be the change you want to see in the world."